I feel like Im sinking even further. I simply cannot deal with this any more. It wouldn't matter.

I should just do it already, and slam the door in all of their damn faces. I should give in. I have no energy left to fight off.

Its overtaking me, and I feel like its beginning to control my personality. I'm not myself.

Im so fucking miserable, tired and I just don't feel like going on.

Im having weird visions of what people will do, and how they will react to my sudden death. I can see them. They all ask the same question, "why did he do it?" I can see myself. Dead. They are asking me why and I cannot answer. They look at me in the visions and stare in disbelief.

Every time I try to pick up the pieces..I end up feeling worse than ever.

My head is killing me, and I don't want to take the music off, because its somehow helping me.

I want to wake up one day, and not feel all I have been feeling now. That day will probably never come.

The more I think about happiness, the less I feel I can attain it.

The people in my life don't make it any easier. They make it worse, especially those girls. They continue to stare at me. They stare and I can hear them talking about me. It pains me.

I cannot open myself to anyone. I don't want to be hurt like the...that one that hurt me. I...This is hopeless. I cannot trust them. If I cannot trust them,I cannot have a relationship with them and yet they continue to.., how is it they act this way?p> I keep looking for a reason for me to continue living. There used to be a point in my life. There used to be meaning. Now there is nothing but sorrow, anguish and pains of the physical, mental and emotional kind.

I don't know what more I can say to help you help me, but maybe it is hopeless and I shouldn't give any of them a chance at all.

I don't want to risk them hurting me, because if they do...then that will destroy me.

....and to you(my friend)...you in my real life. You in particular, do you have any grasp on how Ive suffered?r maybe I should tell you, and then you might understand,...or you'll walk away from me. You, I don't know how I could tell you. I am a fragmented being. I can barely function as it is. And we have lost contact yet again.

I wonder you would take it especially. If I suddenly died. I wonder what you would do. I have an idea though. Anyway, I' suppose this is just me having yet another fucking horrible week, day after day it doesn't change for me. It stays the same, no matter what I do. Exercise, get tired, sleep and then I wake up miserable Just sit and stare at the wall and fall asleep and wake up miserable again.

I don't want to....just........tell me you... it won't heal me. I can't smile much anymore. I don't even know how feeling...feels anymore. I can't feel anything but pain, and that has numbed me. I am a sad,miserable,worthless, depressed, strange guy that those girls somehow have fallen for.

But I sit and do nothing, knowing I should not do anything to get myself hurt more. I sit and do nothing so they won't see how fucking miserable and fed up with life I am. so they can't see how much I want to kill myself and be gone forever.

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