Step #1: Stop treating your mother like a mother.  She's not behaving maternally; treat her like anyone else.

A healthy life will also not involve being stuck in the same place for twelve years.  Your eHelp read: "Hi, I lost my father when I was fifteen.  I am 27 now."  That's the most important thing you need to say?  You are letting an event (a significant event without a doubt, but a single event no less) define who you are.  It has defined who you are, how you interact with the world, for twelve years.  How you present yourself is how you define yourself.  Stop conceiving of yourself as "Bob, 27 years living, twelve without a father."  Start thinking about yourself as "Bob, self-sufficient 27 year old, who has overcome adversity to get where he is now."

Step #2: Like with your mother in Step #1, let go of your father.  You're letting a single event, one man and his absence, dictate how you interact with life.  You are more than a semi-orphaned teenager just as soon as you believe you are.

Healthy living does not look for on the outside what must first come from the inside.  You want warmth and love from your mother, from women, from anywhere, but you aren't willing to give it to yourself.  You're depressed, avoiding responsibility, and angry.  Those are all internal qualities.  They are you imposing those things on yourself.  If you loved yourself, others would want to love you too.

Step #3: Develop an internal locus of control.  You can only control you.  No one wants to love someone who is incapable of love.  Love yourself and prove to the world that you are capable of love.

You're nearly thirty now.  Your life is approaching the halfway point.  It's time to strike out on your own now and overcome the trials of your childhood.

Posted at 12:32 pm on May 11, 2008

Your need for warmth and love is holding you back. You are looking for something that you lost and want to try and make up for or get and because you are trying to fulfil this need that is based purely in the past it is preventing you from moving on with the future of your life. I know that sounds harsh, but basically you are seeking for something you just can't get because the opportunity is gone.

Like you say, you handled everything yourself when your mother was not involved. You missed that reassurance, love and support that you really needed to see you through a very difficult time and beyond. How much did you have to look after yourself before then? Because it sounds like this goes further back even than that.

This lack of love and support has caused you now to start looking for it in the wrong places and the fact is that you can't get it because the part of you that is looking for fulfilment is living in the past. Yo have to address this desire, this need and you have to find some way to move on and let go and mourn for the loss of your childhood without letting it hold you back liek this.

You are 27 and you still have your whoe life ahead of you. You can let go of this burden and you can move on. The childhood that you miss, the lvoe you wish you'd had, cannot be replaced, but you can learn to love yourself, to mourn for what you have lost in your father and in yourself and you can learn that those things will always be with you and you can care about them and love yourself even if your mother won't. Once you learn to do that then you can actually get on with embracing your adult life and the many possibilities and opportunities it affords.

You say you did everything yourself but you don't want any responsibilities - again that's a reflect ion fhte fact taht you want to revert to being a child and be looked after by someone just for a bit longer before yo grow up. unfortunately that can't happen now because you are 27. Like it or not you will have responsibilities and that isn't actually a bad thing because they can define you and give you things to achieve..

That's why I say get some professional help. Go to your doctor, tell them you are depressed and seek some therapy that can help you explore these issues properly and in a supportive environment and put them behind you so that you can stop holding yourself back. You will prbably find that the anger an dfrustration you feel at not havign those needs fulfililed and at trying to fulfil something you simply can't have right now, will fade as you deal with the issues at heart he.

Good luck.  

Posted at 4:01 pm on May 7, 2008