That isn't to say you should behave like a child just because that's how she thinks of you (which has been my sister's solution).  On the contrary, you should daily try and make it more and more obvious that you are becoming an adult.  Don't do this by insisting on your "rights" as someone who is not a little kid anymore.  Do it by behaving the way you expect mature, grown up or growing up people to behave.  Demanding that you're not a kid any more just makes you look like a petulant child.

As for telling your mother you're not a little kid and telling her about sex, my advice is to be careful about the way you phrase things.  First of all, coming out and saying, "I'm not a lil girl anymore" will be too abrupt.  Try a more subtle, "As I change and grow, I'm starting to realize that I'm less and less like the little girl I used to be and more and more like something else."  With that you have the vagueness of "as I" which implies an ongoing process, "starting to realize" implies that you are still on the front end of the transformation, "less like" doesn't say I'm not anymore but still distance you from your childhood.  You say the same thing without her freaking out.

You can't be quite as roundabout with the virginity issue, but I would be honest with her and preclude your statement with, "When I was 13, I did something I'm really not proud of.  I'd take it back if I could, but I realize that I can't.  I've kept it inside for years now and I think it is time to tell you."  If you start with the contrition, she hears it first and goes into the revelation in the right mood.  If you try to tell her and then explain that you regret it, her mind is lost in the thought of her darling daughter losing her virginity.

Hope that helps some.  Most of the problem is getting inside your mother's head.  If you can think like she does, you can understand what she will do, why she does what she does, and how you need to meet that behavior.

Posted at 1:17 pm on May 12, 2008

I think you must be pretty close to your mom to want to tell her this. That sounds like a good thing. I can't imagine why you'd want to share it with her otherwise. And if you are close to her then that makes this just a little bit easier for you to say, even if it might be a little bit harder for her to hear.

You need to sit her down with a cup of coffee or something and just tell her you want to talk to her about something. Tell her that you're not pregnant or anything so she shouldn't be worried - because that's what will probably go through her mind if her 15 year old daughter does this! Tell her it's more of a confession. Then just calmly explain what happened in as much detail as you're comfortable with. Tell her it was a mistake, that you regretted it for a long time afterwards and that you really wish it hadn't happened. Tell her that you know it was stupid and you have already gone over it so many times in your mind. But just say that it is done now and much as you want to take it back you can't. Finally, tell her that you wanted to tell her because you value your relationship and you want her to know that you care about her opinion of you. Let her know that you are really sorry if you have compromised that opinion of you. Make sure though that you tell her that you have learned from the experience, and that you are much more careful now. Show her that you can be an adult and not only take responsibility for your mistakes but turn them to some good by learning from them for the future.

Your mom may react angrily. She may well be cross with you for not telling her sooner and of course for what you did. If that's the case then just try and ride it out. Let her vent a bit and let her be mad and just wait until she calms down - even if you have to go to your room and get out of her way for a bit. Remember that this is going to be a shock to her and that when people are shocked they say and do things  they don't mean because they don't know how to react./ SO just try to give her some space to figure out how she feels. Whatever you do don't get defensive if you can avoid it. Listen to her and you will be able to understand exactly how she feels and then you will be able to respond and reassure her better. Show her how grown up you are by doing that instead of getting defensive and coming across as though she's in the wrong, which will only antagonise her.

If she's upset then it will probably mean that she feels she has somehow let you down by not bringing you up properly or something. In that case you have t reassure her that it was your mistake and nothing to do with her and you were just being stupid but that you have learned from it. Apologise again but make sure she knows it wasn't her fault and that you take responsibility for the mistake you made and that's why you're sharing it with her.

With any luck she will just be sympathetic, understanding and just a little sad for you. You never know!

Good luck.

Posted at 5:42 pm on May 11, 2008

I'd say the best way to go about it is to be straightforward. Tell her, "I kinda have something to tell you. I really regret it, but you're my mom so I kind of figured you'd want to know." Then just tell her. Go through with it, be completely open.

Now, your mom may react a number of different ways. She could be angry, which is a huge possibilty. She could be dissapointed in you. She could even ground you. Accept all forms of punishment. Tell her that she's right, that it was a huge mistake on your part. Don't defend yourself, don't become angry. I've learned from experience that the best way to deal with angry mothers is to simply let them get mad, and then let them calm down. It'll hurt for her to be so angry, but just deal with it for hte time being. Let her calm herself down.

Another reaction that she may have is sadness. She'll think that she made some mistake in her parenting. Assure her that this is not the case, that it was a lapse in your own judgement, that it won't happen again. Tell her that she's an incredible mother, and that you love her and she's done a great job in raising you.

She might reply in indifference. She might think that it was your choice, and although it might be a crappy one, it was your choice to make. Make sure you let her understand that you know you did something stupid, and that you take full responsability for your actions. Remember that she cares, she just isn't wasting time on a past mistake that you know you made.

I hope this helped.

Good luck, and message me if you need anything at all.

All the best,
Nora

Posted at 5:22 pm on May 11, 2008