I'm a self-harmer, I take all of my frustrations out on my self. I'm not one of those types that like to show-case their scars. The thought terrifies me. I don't want to be judged, or bullied, or have people look at me differently. I was in double chem on Tuesday, when I spilt some sort of irritant all over myself by accident. It went all over my long-sleeved top. See, this is where normal people would roll their sleeves up and wash their arms. Not me, I ran out of the class screaming FUCK. and spent at least 15 minutes crying in the bathroom, it turned out that it didn't have an effect on me, but nevertheless just the thought of having to show someone my scars will make me crack up.
I've not been feeling very ..."well" ...like, mentally lately. I really want someone to confide in, but I just don't trust my friends anymore. I've not been very talkative for maybe two months now, and I'm beginning to be just a tag-along with my group. Sad thing is, I go to a really small school, and there's been a pretty dramatic history between me and a different group of friends which means we don't talk now. So it's not like I can just find new ones... I know everyone in my year.
I find myself thinking about suicide sometimes. I was like this about a year ago, then I got put in therapy, got sufficiently "better" and got out. I don't want to go back, my family would be disappointed, and I just... CAN'T deal with disappointing others, and not only that, the other people in my year were beginning to notice I was off a lot, and rumours were spread round. "Friends" betrayed me, and a few people I don't want to know about my past do. So you can see why I don't trust my few friends now.
It just doesn't feel like things are going to get any better. I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on living like this. I need something else, I don't know, Maybe I'll go back to doing drugs, drinking down the park type-thing, at least it made me forget the harsh reality of life.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I hope I'm just missing an obvious answer, if so, could you point it out to me? I'd really like some help right now. I'm sorry it was long. And I'd like to say thanks, you support leaders do a really good job. .
If you don't feel comfortable talking to any friends, then how about family members? If not them, then you should really find a counselor or therapist to talk to. They're not going to think you're insane or anything; there are millions of people who are depressed and cut. It's not news to them. They are professionals and experienced in treating these problems. Please consider it. It's very hard sometimes to try and solve everything on your own. It's makes a world of difference to have someone to listen and empathize with you. Of course, therapists aren't 100% effective. You said you've already seen a therapist because of suicidal thoughts. Did he or she help any? How many times did you see him or her? If you didn't like him/her, then maybe find another therapist. Or maybe join a group where people discuss their depression and how they overcame it. Group therapy can also work wonders. As a last resort, maybe take some antidepressants if you haven't tried them already.
Things will get better if you make the effort. Don't think you're hopeless - because you're not. There is always a way out. It's only a matter of finding the way out. Suicide is never the answer. It hurts loved ones. Do you really want to put the people close to you through misery the rest of their lives? They would think it's their fault, that they made you do it.
Again, drinking and drugs are only temporary solutions to permanent problems. They'll give you relief, but they won't cure the problem. You need to eliminate the source to your depression. Drugs and alcohol cannot do that for you.
I wish you the best, Justin
Really, I cannot see any clear cut answers to any of your issues, but I'm sure that you already figured that going in. I don't know what any underlying stresses may be, and I don't know how anyone thinks or feels, that's why your choices and decisions are so important in your life, because you are the only one who knows about it.
The holidays definitely are a stressful time for many people, but that doesn't mean that they should lose sight of what's important: family and friends. If you are having a rough time right now then they should be there to listen and comfort you.
Like you, many people find it hard to show weakness, whether that be showing your scars, showing any emotions, showing sadness, or showing a bad grade in class. So many of us want to have a hard exterior, seem happy, healthy, and successful to everyone. Luckily, since so many of us are so caught up in this, we actually blind ourselves to the issues of others. We don't tend to realize that someone is unhappy because we are so concerned with losing our own smile. If you need extra help I really urge you to look for that. Your family generally is more worried with your mental health rather than with you being "cured". In my experience, it seems that even when family may get upset when faced with depression (or another serious issue) it is a combination of feeling unsure of how to act (which may frustrated anyone who cares about you!) and feeling upset that you did not come to them sooner. It hurts when we feel as though those that we care about the most don't feel comfortable in coming to us for help, and so often I've found myself thinking "oh no! I can't tell my mom! She'll be soooo pissed!" only to tell her later on and find out that it was no big deal.
That being said, I can really understand why you wouldn't want to tell people right now. I am unsure how you felt about dealing with this last year, and perhaps what you went through left a bad taste in your mouth, but that is no reason to sit back and allow your problems to slowly get worse. School is a very hard situation, especially when all of our hormones are running and everyone acts like an asshole teenager. It hurts when your secrets are exposed, and it hurts even more when those secrets still exist even after being exposed.
If I could give you a magical answer then I would, because you are trying so hard, and you deserve to have it pay off in a good way.
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