Please help me -- LiveWire College Forums

I have never wrote on a forum before so I hope that what I'm about to say makes sense to at least somebody who can be kind enough to give me advice. As I think about all of the things that have happened within the last year and that are happening around this time, I become overwhelmed with so many negative thoughts. I've never had panic attacks in my whole life and a buddy of mine used to get them. He would tell me about his experiences and how he got so upset and helpless that he had trouble breathing. That's what has been happening to me lately. I don't even know where to begin. My girlfriend of two years, who was my best friend, cheated on me and turned out to be a different person. She had so many problems within herself that she kept from me and I did my best to help her. She ended up telling me after she got with another guy. It ripped my heart out because even to this day, I feel like if I had known what was going on with her, I could have helped her, so I always felt really hurt that she didn't open up to me about those problems that she was having. It was as if she was living a double life. Losing her, taught me a lot and I moved onward, trying to be strong but I felt that apart of me had died. It's like losing your first love, the girl every guy dreams of being with and marrying and all that comes with being together. It felt like it was just snatched away. Luckily, I had a group of friends that became my second family in many ways. They really helped me over the years with my own problems and struggles and especially losing my girlfriend. I always try to be strong and I am the type of person that keeps things to himself and I am known for being way too nice, sensitive, caring, etc. But I think those qualities aren't as common these days. High school meant so much to me, like I said, I had a wonderful support system and a ton of friends. I wasn't the most popular guy in school. I enjoyed having friends from all different groups and many of my friends came to me for advice and support and I am proud to say that I was able to help a lot of people. All during this time, I was on the Varsity swim team, which was a great way to let out my frustrations and it gave me a focus. Over time, I realized that losing my girlfriend of two years was an important step in my personal evolution because I was able to grow and became a stronger person. The fact that I had to do it on my own made it more difficult but more meaningful. During my senior year of high school, one of my best friends was killed in a skiing accident. He was my neighbor and he was two years younger than me. It happened a week after my birthday and losing him really broke my heart. He was always outside playing sports and so upbeat and I was so lucky to have known a great guy like him. His memory is always with me and it just takes my breath away just thinking about him not being here, not experiancing the things that I'm experiancing right now. In many ways, I feel like his life would have excelled more than my own. I try to live each day to the fullest and I try to live for him. A few years later, I met a friend at college who was always upbeat similar to my friend who had passed away. This new friend made me laugh a lot and feel good about myself. It felt good to find a new friend who I had similar interests with and he felt like a brother to me. He was over my house all of the time and I went to his. I had never had a friend like him since my neighbor. As all of you know, when you leave high school, things change and people move on. This wasn't easy for me. Because I missed that 'family' feel and being surrounded by supportive and loving friends. I was blessed to have the people I did in my life. Now that most of them had moved away to school, I was at a community college. I struggled in school and strived to do well. My new friend looked out for me and it was cool having one true best friend that I can share everything with. It was completly different from high school because in high school I had many best friends. Last year, my new friend took a class with a girl that I knew from high school. He wasn't interested in her but I knew that they were friends. I was always good friends with her in high school, I never liked her beyond that. Out of nowhere, my buddy calls me up and tells me that she's calling me horrible names. I had a really hard time believing that she would say anything of that nature behind my back. Despite his wishes, I confronted her. Something just didn't sound right in his voice. Why wouldn't my best friend defend me? He would later call me up asking why she won't return his calls. Why was he trying to get ahold of a person that just dissed his best friend? One morning, at 7 am, my best friend calls me, urgently. He asked if I had talked to the girl. I said yes, I left her a voicemail or two asking why she would say those things. He got angry with me and told me not to do that again. He said that he would call back at a later time and not to call the girl until he did. I called her anyway, because the tone of his voice just didn't sound right. He sounded regretful and angry. Luckily, after many attempts, she had finally gotten back to me and started crying over the phone. She told me that my best friend said those things. I nearly dropped the cell because I couldn't handle the deceit. I basically trusted her because she was a friend for many years and was the type that always looked out for me. After hearing this news, I didn't know how to tell my best friend that I knew what was being said about me. I was totally devastated and felt like I lost, my neighbor, girlfriend, and all of my high school friends. I have a hard time getting close to people, but I always seem to trust people with my heart fully. I didn't know what to say, but I eventually texted him saying don't talk to me anymore if you're gonna lie like that. He called back when I was at work and cursed me out. He was caught. Weeks later, he called and apologized. Me, being the person that I am, forgave him. But our friendship was never the same. After losing the people I have in my life and the effect that it had on me, I thought back to my years before high school. I was called 'gay' and a 'sissy' back in elementary school and middle school because I was the new kid and I was really shy. I was really unpopular back then and didn't have many friends. The kids at those schools only cared about being popular and I was completly made fun of during those years. They also called me stupid because I was in smaller classes, due to my learning disability. I have always had trouble in math. I knew the heartache and torture that I went through because it was still with me a little bit but the pain was hidden. That pain was hidden. High school helped me a lot like I said. But I forgave my friend and gave that person a second chance. He continued to disappoint me because in my mind, I wanted my best friend back. I wanted to dismiss the drama that had unfolded and I have had a really hard time realizing that what he did was wrong and even though I forgave, I shouldn't trust him the same. I guess I don't like change, but I missed my best friend. It hurt me a lot knowing that things weren't the same. During this drama, my step-dad had an affair and I was diagnosed with Ulcertive Colitis. Just recently, at my first semester at my new school, I didn't do as well as I had hoped. My step-dad was enraged and beat me to the ground and punched my nose and kicked me in the head. I am the oldest of five and have always been the type of person who likes to stay at home and takes good care of the kids. I basically raised my little brother. I was unhappy. I still am unhappy. My heart is broken complelty. I don't know what to do. I'm at a point where I reflect all of the time. I am disgusted with how my step-dad treats my mom and treats me like a step-son and he treats his own kids like his own. I don't have much of a relationship with my mom because she is battered from that god-awful treatment he gives to her daily. He makes great money, but he is dirt cheap. And he is uncaring. I'm more of a dad to my siblings. My parents don't really let me have a life and denied me the traditional college life because they 'wouldn't invest in a loser.' Dating back to the hell or the 'bad years' at middle and elementary school, I struggled and they thought community college would be the best choice for me. I tried to keep in touch with a lot of people from high school but ear by ear I would get disappointed by each one. Only the core group stayed true. Hating the treatment that was going on at home, and being completly heartbroken and scarred from the losses and horrible events, I decided to pack up my car and move to California with my cousins. I was determined to do it for me. I felt that I needed a complete change in my life. Basically, the bill for the new semester was due the next day so I had to make the choice very quickly. My mom was not supportive at all of the idea. I was so upset that I cried myself to sleep almost every night upon the decision day was up. I decided to go. The night before I left, everything was packed and I went to say goodbye to my 'best friend' who had deceived me a year earlier. He opened up that I was the only friend that cared about him and he was very angry that I was making such a rash decision. I thought about it more and decided to stay in school and unpack. Life is cruel sometimes. I learned that. I am currenly going back to school but I'm still hurt. Any Advice? Thanks for reading this. If you wanna see what I look like, cause I can't figure out how to put a pic up. It's http://www.myspace.com/brandonuniversity

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