I'm very frustrated at the moment. I turn 20 in a week. People have told me before that they think I sometimes act older than my age. You know, except for the whole basic life responsibilities thing. Anyway.
Right now I am actively avoiding calling my mother. She pissed me off earlier this week by telling me if I didn't get hired by the end of the week, she will drive down to Louisville to "come get me."
I'm not in school. I dropped out of college, more or less. I lost my funding because I didn't care enough and still don't care enough to try to go back. At least not yet.
I confess she's right on at least one thing: I really SHOULD have a job by now. There are no excuses, really.
The last few weeks have been chaos. I can't remember the last time I was this confused, if there ever was a time. At the same time, though, my life is actually starting to take on a direction of some sort. Or so it seems. I'm doing what I can to try to keep that going...because frankly, any direction is better than being stuck in this rut.
What gets me is how worried I am about this thing with my mother. This is ridiculous. Whether I always act like it or not, I'm a full grown adult (no short jokes, please) and I'm very well old enough to make my own decisions. I started to put a lot of thought into whether staying here or moving home is the better option, the safer option, etc....but you know what? I really don't care to put hours upon hours of thought and stress into it this time. I think it's best, and God damn it that's what matters.
If things get completely fucked up, yes they CAN get worse, I always have the option of moving back in with my mother.
I don't live with her and for God sake, I'm not in high school anymore. Why the fuck am I so worried about what my mother thinks? I mean, I love her and I pray for her when I think to and I worry a lot about her. I'd like to move back in with her and help with selling the house, but God damn...if I move back to Huntingburg, then what? My car's not in good condition and I don't see me being able to afford a new one any time soon. If I drive it back to Huntingburg, I really am liable to get stuck there, IF I actually make it there. It's really hard to get out of a place when you have no means of transportation with which to visit apartments and go to interviews somewhere else.
Caught between what would be better for my mother and what I want and think would be better for me, I think I'm choosing the latter this time.
For the first time in a while, I'm actually stepping up to the plate and swinging instead of trying to get walked to first. Whether the pitcher is throwing strikes or not, the ump sucks so I have to swing at something.
Two strikes, two outs, and the bases are loaded. Things are moving one way or another.
I'm still fucking afraid to talk to her because I'm afraid she's going to take the "no, interviews aren't good enough, you're not hired so I'm going to show up anyway whether you want me to or not" approach. I do need an argument with my mother right now. Really, it's not very often these days that I make a decision like this and actually stand behind it. I'm not being bullied out of something I think is the right decision AGAIN. There's a reason I don't live in that house anymore and things like this are a big part of that reason.
I know a run my mouth about it a lot but God damn it, I'm not backing down from this. She has nothing to threaten me with. Spare key or not, title or no, she has to FIND my car if she wants to be an ass and try to take it. Not that she has any other claim on it. She didn't buy it anyway.
This is fucking stupid. I'm making the call....ugh. Wish me luck.
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Sweetheart, people aren't chocolates. You know what they are?
Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
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If she's paying the rent on where you're staying, or paying for anything of yours actually... and you're just hanging out and not getting a job, well, I'd be pretty mad if I were her. 
