What have I gained in a year? 10 lbs and some stretch marks. And some acne scars and a couple cavities. And a reputation for being a lazy asshole.

My fucking car isn't driveable, or rather, if I drive it much more without having it fixed, it may just quit. I don't really know, I didn't get it to the repair shop this week. I found which ones are closest. I wrote down the numbers and addresses. But still, I didn't call.

Matthew wants to take me to the mall to do something for my birthday, but the only way to get there is to ride the bus. Which stops running there at 7:45. It's 5 now, if we went RIGHT now we'd be pushing it, and we can't go RIGHT now because I'm still not ready and I hurt because I have a u.t.i. Again.

Sound fucking familiar?

This is the exact same position I was in last year on this day. I did better over an entire year in that I at least had a fucking car so I could take myself from point a to point b because I'm not ADVANCED enough to plan trips using public transportation. So, ACTUALLY, I'm almost WORSE off than I was last year.

On top of it all, I accomplished fucking nothing today. Nothing. I took too long getting ready and doing other shit and what felt like half an hour turned into 5. Again. Somehow my social life is picking up and things were actually, REALLY looking like they might look up soon but you know, I don't have the optimism I did about myself last week. I don't have the optimism I did about myself YESTERDAY.

I look down on sitting here bitching about myself but God damn it, I'm PISSED! I think it might have somethign to do with changing my a.d.d. meds for the month again (I have two types I take. I get both prescriptions at the same time, fill one, then wait a month and fill the other because I'm poor)....but I really don't know. I really do think I might actually be incapable of dealing with my own basest of problems.

I'm beyond annoyed, I'm beyond excuses, I'm almost actually disgusted with myself right now. I know the only way to make things better is to change...and I've tried! And I keep trying! But somehow I keep falling into the same fucking patterns no matter how much fucking effort I put into it or what goes wrong because of it! Every time I talk to a shrink they say "It's the ADD" and suggest I change my meds. But God damn it, if I'm on meds now that work alright and I still cant' even manage to do REASONABLY well, or even make by on my own at all...I don't think there is a pill that helps that. I don't know if there's an anything that helps that.

I can't deal with knowing the only reason I can deal with my own life is a pill.

I keep trying to fix myself, and I wonder more and more if it's even worth it to keep trying at life. I don't want to move back home. Frankly, if I can't manage to do better than this without my mommy chasing after me, at this point, I really don't think I want to try anymore.

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Sweetheart, people aren't chocolates. You know what they are?
Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.