http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-btnpaa-support-a.html#postNumber14

From: the ex

I think you all deserve to at least hear an explanation.  I'll start off by saying, yeah i was emotional and had problems.  I won't deny that.  I lost most all control on what little i had left for a while.  That being said, let me get to the explanation

I'll start by saying that the reason i broke up wasn't because i didn't care about her.  It was because i couldn't trust her anymore.  We had both told each other that we wouldn't break up w/ each other and go out with other people (basically because it was something her ex had done and it hurt her bad), yet after reading her diary (yeah, since she refused to tell me what had been bothering her when i asked) i found out that, yeah, she did have feeling for that same roomie that she later hooked up with, and that she had begun losing those feelings for me.  

I confess, it was my fault she had begun losing those feelings, due to the fact that i had told her i wanted to marry her on day, and then later, when the circumstances had changed beyond the point where i would want that future, told her that i couldn't marry her with the way things were going.  I had even manipulated her into having unprotected sex with me and told her later after regretting doing it.

Back to an explanation.  Anyways, after reading that, i called her in to talk about what i had read and told her that i knew that she was losing her feelings for me and that she had feelings for the roommate.  She said that she had decided to break up with me the day before but now that she had to do it, couldn't, and that she needed time to think.  I told her that i would wait for her answer.  Later on, that day, i asked her what the roomies take on all this was and he had told her that he didn't have feelings for her.  That was bull and i knew it and told her so.  The only reason he said that was cause he feels like it was all his fault.  I was right.    So knowing that, i go in to work that night (i work 3rd shift) and dwell on all this.  I realize that i can't stay with a person who repeatedly (this was the second time she had broken my trust) breaks my trust.  So i get back and after waking up for the day, tell her that she's single.  It wasn't something i wanted to do, because i still loved her.  It was something that i had to do for me.  

So i go into work friday and come home.  She's not in the bed, theres alcohol in the room, see some random aim message up about her being half naked and very single, and i already know where she's sleeping.  Yet some part of me NEEDS that 100% yes or no answer, and the only way to get it is by looking at the bag of condoms that we had gotten that very same day.  Yeah, one was missing.  

So, now, all those feelings i had locked up, that had been leaking out on the way back from the bus stop flood out.  Those feelings of still caring for her, and wanting her to be only mine, competing for those of wanting what is best for her and knowing that this would happen, and that by her being single, she doesn't have to hurt me by cheating on me or breaking up with me.  I'm still traumatized and hurt.  Mainly because of how soon it happened, and partly because she was slightly drunk at the time (not something i take lightly for other reasons).  Mainly, i hate myself because i feel its all my fault.  So i go and do what i had done whenever i had hurt fairly bad.  

I cut.  I didn't mean to cut myself so bad, i just didn't know the razorblades were actually doing anything for the first 3-4 seconds i was doing it.  I had never cut fast, always slow deliberate cuts before, and they always hurt so you knew if you were cutting.  This time, i cut fast, and it didn't hurt nearly as bad, so i didn't think anything was happening.  By the time i saw the blood, most of my foot was all cut up.  And i knew that it was a bad place to leave open wounds, so i had to wrap it.  As to why i cut:  the same reason anyone cuts.  Because it hurts so bad inside, you want something to distract you from that; because you need to do something to get rid of the stress; and to reflect the pain you feel inside onto the outside.  

After doing this, and hitting the headboard a couple of times (not something i'd done before), i figured its not the best thing to do to just sit and stew.  I needed to talk to someone.  So i go to check aim, and forgive me for not looking to see if she had any messages.  She usually saves all her convo's and i figured she had done that, and that it was safe to close.  No one was on my aim though.  

So i called my only real close friend i had.  I talked to her for a while, but had to hang up before i broke down.  Still don't like people seeing that.  I then tried to go to sleep, since i had only had 4 hours the day before.  I only get 4 more.  I feel sick waking up, and i know why.  Its like fucking withdrawl.  she's still not up so i go back to her computer (she had always let me use it before, and hadn't said anything about that changing) and my friend is on.  I talk to her for a while and just basically tell her what i had done (about the cutting) and she tells me that she understands, but that its not healthy.  I still continue to talk to her

I then decide that i want to talk to my ex, but there isn't any way i'm going near that room.  Not exactly sure on that one, but still can't bring myself to do it.  Probably afraid i'd lose control again, so i do something i know will get her attention (mainly because she dislikes it): i play music loud on her tiny ass computer speakers.  Honestly, if anything had happened, i'd have gotten her more, i'm not that much of an ass to break something and not fix it.  I'm not sure if that got her up or if it was the cell phone.  Probably 2 different occasions.  

But either way, on the first one, i tell her that i don't hate her.  I meant it. She had been my gf, and he had been my friend, and i wanted them to know that i didn't hate him for sleeping with my ex, and her for sleeping with my friend the day  after we broke up.  Is it not something you would assume might happen?  After that i basically wrote her a note to explain my thoughts on it, since i really don't get them out too clear in speech.  I will admit, the whole lyrics thing though, totally emo.  That was kinda pathetic.  

I didn't keep closing her aim though.  She yelled at me the first time, so i made sure to ask the next times to see if it was ok.  At least i think so.  Maybe i did it twice, and she told me the second time.  Either way, it wasn't something i did after i knew it bothered her.  I think she was just mad cause random people were giving me sympathy do to a note i had written on facebook.

As far as going to the liquor store goes, i had had the intention of buying her alcohol, but as soon as i get there, i realize that i really would feel used buying alcohol that she would use to get drunk.  I still do buy it.  And when i get back i tell her that i'd feel used if she didn't pay me back for it.  Its not something i can help.  She still hasn't paid me back for it either.  

As far as the open relationship thing goes, it was more the way i saw what was left after the breakup, and part of me realized thats more of what i had wanted.  It was my error in judgement and i dealt with those feelings.

After the discussion, i tried to go to sleep, but realized, again that i couldn't get tired (funny seeing as how i was falling asleep sitting up at beths) so i figure that getting a little drunk would help.  At this point, i give my ex the mike's and tell her that she can pay me back later (probably much later seeing as how she still didn't have a job after 9 months of me supporting her)

Yeah, i might have acted drunker than i was, but so the fuck what?  It made me feel better, no one acted like i cared, and i didn't do anything out of line.  I just sorta layed on the floor and saying how comfortable it was.  BTW, i finally got some decent sleep.  10 hours.  Thank you alcohol.

And some time after she posted this, i did move on.  I locked all my feelings in a tiny little box, and only let them out to give sympathy.  I hate sing strife.  You know what her reaction was?  "How can you just get over it like that??"

so i unlocked the box and let them back out.  Thats where we stand.  Both still single, but still showing we care for each other through affection.

Don't take this the wrong way.  I will always love her, and will never forget what she has done for me.  I was bulimic before i met her, and she helped me get over that.  She helped boost my self esteem, learn to care about myself, and made my life better.  Don't ever think she is a bad person, because she's sure as hell better than me.  We both just have problems that need fixing, and being together isn't whats best for either of us right now.

Sincerely
The ex


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"I'd never forgive myself if i tainted perfection"
~Me