This hasn't bothered me for years. I mean, I suspect that I think one of my last serious relationships was the result of a long dry spell and I know that when I'm single I sleep around, but it's not something I took to mind.

Last Sunday night I decided I was going to go a while without sex or messing around with anyone. I realize I've never been good with saying no, but I've been worse than usual lately. I just got out of a long term relationship and there were complications, if you will, that I think seriously affected my judgment regarding sex and sexual acts. I've never considered myself passive, but starting sometime in this relationship I started convincing myself I was okay with things I wasn't so as not to cause an argument or hurt feelings.

I also realized I think I've fucked every guy that really openly hit on me and wanted to go that far.

Also, because of the breakup and the fact that the relationship could've ended in marriage and I've been thinking a lot lately that I wish I could have lost my virginity to someone better than I did....and the fact that as of Saturday night, the number of people I have screwed is now two digits.... and there was that STD scare this summer and I'd been thinking about how much I'd had to get pregnant..... I've really been questioning my lifestyle. I decided I'm going to get myself tested for STD's again soon, and that I should take a break from anything sexual for a while. Something about Saturday night really, really upset me. Until I'm completely sure what it is or that I've resolved the conflict with convincing myself I'm okay with things I'm not, I figure I should just take a break.

This decision was hard to come by. I didn't like admitting that sex is causing me some problems lately, mostly on the emotional side of things. But I've been feeling horrible about myself lately, and I realize I think about sex so often that I'm actually starting to bore myself. There are so many more interesting things to do and think about, I don't know why this one is so stuck in my mind.

So this decision meant a LOT to me. I realized it would be really hard for me to stick by my word, and that I really needed some kind of visual reminder. So I decided to start wearing a ring on my left hand again. I even found one in my room and started wearing it. I was very proud of myself and I felt a lot better because I knew this was a good decision.

It lasted less than two days. I've messed around twice with my ex, last night and tonight. One slip up was understandable, but two? I wasn't even interested to begin with the second time, I was just...convinced, I guess. Two days in a fucking row. I knew BOTH TIMES I should say no. The first wasn't so bad, but the second just pisses me off. I guess it's good that at least I said no to sex itself, but holy shit.

I'm feeling very disappointed in myself at the moment. I used to have problems staying by my word CONSTANTLY. I put a LOT of effort into changing that and for a while there in high school, I actually considered myself an honest, trustworthy individual. I was proud of who I was.

I can't keep my word to myself or anyone else. I give neutral answers a lot because I don't like responsibility and I don't like committing to anything. It really is sad to watch. I swore so many times I would never end up like this again, and well, here I am. Years of progress for what? I'm 20 years old and back where I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL, for crying out loud.