Yet i still think about it myself.

I'm not saying i'd do it, just that the idea which i thought i had control over, due to not really dwelling on it the past couple weeks, has come back.  Please don't give me any of the "you still have something to live for" etc, cause i know i do.  Even so, i'd still do it, but for me, i've set up points, where if i ever get to that point, i'd call someone.  

Well, enough ranting about that, so what brought me to that point again?

Over the past couple days, me and my roommate have been planning out B-day party (since his is on the 19th and mine is on the 25th we're having it on the 24th) and we sent out the guest list.  Well, me and my ex (who cheated on me) are still on good terms, not dating but still cuddling, holding each other, etc, due to unresolved feelings.  Its not that i didn't want to stay with her, just that i couldn't let myself get hurt.

Anyways, we invited a bunch of people to that party, one of whom is my first ex, who took it upon herself to hit on me while me and ex #2 were dating, so ex2 hates ex1.  She asked me if i wanted her to go or not, after saying she would if i wanted her to, despite the fact that she hates ex1, but that i'd have to pay attention to her.  I told her no, because i planned on hitting on other chicks there.

So then she goes off on "i thought you said we shouldn't get into relationships till we fixed our problems...." (which i admit i have) and i tell her that i'm not planning on getting into a relationship, and she's like "well then why are you hitting on them, its only going to hurt them" (about here i mentally roll my eyes) and i say something to the effect of "not if i tell them i'm not serious, and i figure even if i get into a relationship, that would help me fix my problems"  She replies about how she thinks thats a pretty fucked up idea of how to fix my problems.  

Beyond that, I NEED to find at least some other outlet for my affection other than her, because while i do care about her, and while it doesn't bother me if she fucks the roommate when i'm not around (not the one whose party it is), it does KILL ME when i think she messes around with him while I am home, even though she says she doesn't i can't help but get paranoid sometimes.  So i need to find someone to at least hang on, if not sleep with, for at least one night.  And i want so bad for her to be there, and for her to get jealous like none other.  The mean side of me wants to hurt her for hurting me.  

This is exactly why i broke up with her in the first place, because i knew i couldn't constantly stop myself from wanting that.  

I guess what i'm saying is, what do you all think?  I mean, we both still love each other, but i need this to help move on.  I plan on trying to get money that i'm owed from the roommate who she cheated with and see when he plans on moving out, and seeing if he's going to pay this months rent.  If thats all good, then hopefully she will go with him and i can have my party in peace and not hurt anyone.

FYI, i separate my personality into 2 sides (and i've even named them)
1.  Alaysian Bennette - kind, forgiving, emotional
2. Kayne Merik - hurts those who hurt me, doesn't care about expectations, obnoxious

Typically i'm more of the alaysian side, but for some reason that is totally beyond me, at night, when i used to go to bed, but now when i'm at work, the other side comes out.  Oh yeah, did i mention i'm strange?

I need a hug

Post edited at 3:17 pm on Mar. 2, 2007 by Bennette

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"I'd never forgive myself if i tainted perfection"
~Me

As far as her not loving me, yeah she does.  Its just something you have to go through to understand.  She cared, just she didn't want to hurt me by breaking up with me, so she kept putting it off, and while doing so, she kept feeling stronger and stronger about the other guy, till it was at that point, and she figured i wouldn't find out about it so she took that momentary bliss on the chance that i wouldn't find out about it.  

Yeah, i found out.  Yeah, i was pissed.  But why the hell no one got hurt is still a shock to even me.  All my feelings are back in their cage though, where they've always been when the kayne side comes out.

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"I'd never forgive myself if i tainted perfection"
~Me

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well, its not like i have anyone else to go to at the moment.  She did help me get back away from the thoughts of suicide for a while, its just they slipped back in.  

As far as her not loving me, yeah she does.  Its just something you have to go through to understand.  She cared, just she didn't want to hurt me by breaking up with me, so she kept putting it off, and while doing so, she kept feeling stronger and stronger about the other guy, till it was at that point, and she figured i wouldn't find out about it so she took that momentary bliss on the chance that i wouldn't find out about it.    

Yeah, i found out.  Yeah, i was pissed.  But why the hell no one got hurt is still a shock to even me.  All my feelings are back in their cage though, where they've always been when the kayne side comes out.

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I'm not saying she doesn't love you. I'm just saying if she's willing to cheat on you, she's not the right person to be with. You need to stop being so understanding, believe me, I'm 15 and I -used- to be the most understanding guy in the world. Well, now I'm a complete asshole when it comes to shit like this and I've realized one thing from all my past mistakes: The Truth is all that matters, if that isn't there, you need to find it somewhere else.

Edit: Er...whoops, apparently I did kind say she didn't love you, sorry, I type things LONG before I think about what I'm typing

Post edited at 3:15 am on Mar. 2, 2007 by Solus

You mentioned that you have people to talk to. Obviously, this sounds like it could be some sort of split personality disorder. It might be wise to talk to someone about it.

You seem a little stuck about what to do with this girl. Doing something like dating someone else will probably make her jelous, but I would imagine that it would also not fix the pain that you were feeling in order to achieve that hit-back. You know in your mind what is right. Be realistic with yourself, and understand why you do what you do.

Don't feel bad about asking for support. It's a good thing if it helps you to feel better or resolve your issues/make them better. You mentioned that you're strong. I think that there's a level of existence where someone can be strong as well as moral. Ask the hard questions, defend, protect, advance, help, be assertive! In other words, just because the things you get into aren't rag-tag bad motha kind of gangsta, doesn't mean you can't feel and act strongly about/for them.

I really think you need to deal with this situation with this girl yourself. You know the best answers because you're there and you know what you're going through. It seems to be causing a lot of stress for you, so any progress in finding some sort of resolution is progress in the right direction.

If you need to talk any more about any of this, just PM me.

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Also available in sober.

btw i'm 19

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"I'd never forgive myself if i tainted perfection"
~Me

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Heya bud, well let's start with that *hug*. It sounds like a tough situation for you, and it sounds like you've always been the kind of person who is morally bound. That's a really good charectoristic in a person. It sounds like you're also trying to get your life back on track, and are having problems doing that in a morally good way.

You mentioned that you have people to talk to. Obviously, this sounds like it could be some sort of split personality disorder. It might be wise to talk to someone about it.

You seem a little stuck about what to do with this girl. Doing something like dating someone else will probably make her jelous, but I would imagine that it would also not fix the pain that you were feeling in order to achieve that hit-back. You know in your mind what is right. Be realistic with yourself, and understand why you do what you do.

Don't feel bad about asking for support. It's a good thing if it helps you to feel better or resolve your issues/make them better. You mentioned that you're strong. I think that there's a level of existence where someone can be strong as well as moral. Ask the hard questions, defend, protect, advance, help, be assertive! In other words, just because the things you get into aren't rag-tag bad motha kind of gangsta, doesn't mean you can't feel and act strongly about/for them.

I really think you need to deal with this situation with this girl yourself. You know the best answers because you're there and you know what you're going through. It seems to be causing a lot of stress for you, so any progress in finding some sort of resolution is progress in the right direction.

If you need to talk any more about any of this, just PM me.

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You are such a pussy O.o

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lol, i understand.  

btw i'm 19

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I hope that helped. Don't take it the wrong way or anything. Nothing gay there. The "*hug*" was purely supportive and friendly.

Solus, don't make me e-tap that ass!

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Also available in sober.

and its not split personalities, its just how i separate my personality.  Its just something i started for reasons i'm still not sure of.  I guess cause like i said, i get meaner at night when i dwell on certain things, and try and work them out.  That and i'm typically tired and less tactful

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"I'd never forgive myself if i tainted perfection"
~Me

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I know.  Its not that i'm confused about what to do, i'm just stressed and wanted to rant.  That and make sure i'm not being completely retarded in my decision making.

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You are, you should smack-a-bitch. Seriously though, don't let her run your life, if you make a decision, stick to it, she should have NO say in what choices you make or what you decide to do.