Loneliness and social aptitude -- LiveWire College Forums

Hi, I'm new here. The largest problem that I have been dealing with lately is loneliness. My social circle is incredibly small, and it's rare that a day goes by where I speak with one of the few people I know well. Except my parents; they are always there for me. Problem is, I am drifting apart from them as I get older (21 years currently) so confrontations with my parents are rarely pleasant. A large part of this, I believe, is thanks to the unconventional life and beliefs I have. I graduated in 2003 and immediately entered community college upon being given no other choice by my parents. Understandably, they are very involved in my academic life (short of actually doing my homework and attending my lectures) and this is one reason I have never really liked school. To date I have completed one-quarter of the required coursework for a 2-year degree. (This is what is referred to on campus as the "10-year track".) My program of study is Information Systems. I am very interested in computers and have been my whole life, usually living on the Internet and video games. I still remember the time my friend came to my house and used the computer next to me to send instant messages! This was in high school, and at the time I had a room solely for my computers on which my friends and I would play games, try programming, and just surf the Web together. After I graduated, my mom sold the house and I moved the computers to a large closet in my dad's basement where they sit to this day. Now it is referred to by my parents as the "computer museum". These computers are some of the most precious things I own, a memory of my past. After high school I would no longer see my two best friends (who did not go to my high school, but their schools were nearby) and I would have limited success meetings friends in college. The first of these two friends I had met about 15 years ago in elementary school. I remember approaching him in class and asking if would like to become friends. Now that I am older and the childhood innocence is gone, I often wish that things were still that simple. I would later make another friend in middle school. This time we met through a criminalistic bully, whose hate for the private school we attended gave us a common ground to share. He would later go to college out of town, and I would drift away from my elementary-school friend. In my sophomore year of high school I had acquired a job at the local library shelving books. It was repetative and tiring work, but gave me a great sense of belonging and provided fund for my own bank account. Three years later when I graduated I was promoted and work as a computer help desk technician. The entire staff gave me a party on my final days; it was a very happy occasion. The computer job would give me invaluable IT experience and continue my relationship with the library for another two years. The library was the only company I had worked for, and gave me the only two jobs I ever had. I passed each interview with success, and received a lot of praise from supervisors. My job experience wasn't perfect, and I had on several occasions experienced emotional breakdowns that would hinder my job performance. The toughest month was last May, during which I had broken down and left unannounced on two occasions. Meanwhile, on one day during these final two years I had felt the sudden urge to do something "different" and I would later get an earlobe piercing. I had also decided that I wanted to grow my hair long, essentially to be a 'longhair'. While these sudden fascinations I had developed would cause some to question my sexuality, noone had predicted where my future interests would lead me. More than a year after getting my ear pierced, I had developed a strong fixation with body piercing. After many, many months of online research and forum participation I found a professional piercer I was comfortable with. On May 28, 2005 I had my eyebrow pierced. On the second day after returning to work, I was called in by the department head and my supervisor. It was then that I was repremanded for disappearing during the previous week, and was given the option to take a leave of absense if necessary. After discussing with the assistant director, they told me that I could not return to work with a facial piercing. I was given the upcoming weekend to think about the decision. To almost everyone's surprise, I sent my letter of resignation that Sunday. I felt torn between two things that really meant a lot to me, and it was one of the toughest decisions I ever made. To this day everyone tells me that the decision was completely up to me, but I couldn't motivate myself to remove the piercing. I left with the decision to take more classes at school and finish my program more quickly. It was at this time that I had to admit to my parents that I had withdrawn from many of my classes, as they had expected me to be graduating soon. During the next year I would take the fewest number of courses as possible to make my parents happy. Around this time I wanted another piercing, and on September 23 I had my nasal septum pierced. This piercing really offended my mom, who was starting to become very concerned about my piercing obsession. I would later return to my piercer to re-pierce my left earlobe as well as my right. It was then that my interest in body piercing would expand to the entire body modification scene. I joined websites like BMEzine and became even more fascinated with body art, especially the hanging-from-hooks ritual called "suspension". Through these online communities I was able to get in touch with others who were heavily involved in the practice, and I would spend six months encouraging a group who performs suspensions to come to my town and suspend me. This was done in complete secrecy, as my mom had promised to evict me from the house should I have ever attempted suspension. After many months, however, the date was set by the suspension group and I began counting down the days. I invited my best friend of 15 years to attend and take pictures--this was an event comparable to graduation or a wedding. It was hard to believe, but on November 20 I would have hooks pierced through the skin on my back and would hang for two and a half hours. Despite being very painful, I found the experience to be incredibly positive and would later write a lengthy journal describing every detail. Being suspended by hooks is not an easy task to undergo; it is easily accomplished physically but is an intense mental challenge. I wrote for my journal, "It is also a great accomplishment, at least to me. I doubt that very few people outside of the community I just left will congratulate me for my achievement." I later realised that 'the community', the group of heavily pierced and tattooed individuals I was surrounded by on that day was perhaps one of the best things about the experience. These were people with stretched earlobes and tattooed faces, people who were not shocked to see me hanging from hooks as they entered the room. The event was spaced out over two days, and on the day before I had attended to watch some other suspensions. When I first entered the room and saw the small group of people that had gathered, they immediately acknowledged my presence and welcomed me. Could it be that by this time I had four visible piercings on my ears and face? Or could it be the smile they saw when I entered the room with the suspension rigs? Either way, I felt like I fit in here. Yes, I was probably the most shy and introverted person in the group, but I think there was a connection beyond that. I was able to ask questions and engage in light conversations; my friend mentioned that he didn't have as easy of a time communicating. One of my biggest regrets was leaving the event so soon. My suspension had taken longer than expected, and my friend had shared my ride. I was also so emotionally distracted from suspending that I didn't realise until later what a great social event it was. Unfortuneately, most of the people who had attended the event were from out of town or out of state, so I wouldn't be seeing them again soon. Everyone was very friendly and supportive, which isn't what I had been raised to expect from "heavily modified" individuals. When I returned home, I would spend the remainder of time living with my mom with my upper back covered to hide the marks left from the piercings. I would continually grow further and further apart from my mom, despite never mentioning the suspension. The situation at home became so bad that I had developed a nocturnal schedule to avoid interfacing with her in the small house to which we had moved. After some larger interpersonal altercations had taken place, my mom decided that I would move out of the house to grow my independence. My parents decided to rent me an apartment since I was in school, as that is what they had been doing for my sister. I feel that a lot of family members believe that I do not have knowledge of basic modern-day skills like buying groceries and washing dirty dinner plates. This wasn't a surprise to me, however. I knew what I needed; it wasn't a life coach, it was a new job. The first thing I would hear from my parents is that getting a job with my body piercings would be an impossible task, so I didn't put much effort into it. That is, until I thought about becoming a professional piercer. I spent many long days visiting tattoo shops and interviewing with piercers for an apprenticeship. My parents said that even an unpaid job would be a positive change, as it was an increase in activity. Finding an apprenticeship is slightly different from that of other jobs, as showing up at an office often and befriending staff would not necessarily get you a job elsewhere. I would love to work at a piercing studio and learn the trade, as I already spend much of my free time reading about it and I it is something which I like to discuss with others. It would also give me the sense of purpose that I have been missing since the library. Nevertheless, I also looked into other job opportunities. Using the library jobs as references is a bit questionable, since my excellent work was hindered by numerous mental problems and a piercing. More important than a job, however, is my need for friendships. Without friends to hang out with and other people to talk to, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with life nor will I ever be successful. There was a party at the apartment complex here recently, but all of the attendees were generations older than myself. I know that there are young people here, but I don't know how to begin new relationships or even approach them. As I walk through the halls and hear sounds from "Age of Empires" I know that my new friends are close, but yet so far. And although I did not get an answer yet, I asked the woman I met in the leasing office how I can get involved. That has become my primary goal; I'd like to meet new people. I'll pass on the dance clubs and the bars, they are not my environment. I know there are alternate ways to meet new people like myself, but I just don't know the first thing about how to make this a reality.

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