Anyway, gist of the situation; I'm 18, freshman in college, male, bout 6'1 and a half, 196 pounds. I've always been considered "cute" at least I was as a kid when I was really skinny. I gained quite a bit of weight during middleschool and haven't completely shaken th whole experience since. I've slimmed down some since age 14 but that was more or less growing into the weight and it adjusting. Like I've lost a pant size since middleschool for sure.   I'm an artist/writer and being so, I'm not very athletic or physically inclined so I'm trying to increase the exercise I do, but I'm not sure how much that will help me since I have extremely low self esteem, I mean some things I take pride in at times but in general I don't think of myself or of my activities too highly, and I just can't seem to change my view. Nothing is good enough, not my appearance, not my intelligence, not my hobbies, nothing.

Anyway because of this low self-esteem I'm rather shy, and haven't dated before, despite people saying I am not physically ugly and actually quite handsome, I just can't see what they see, I just feel really inadequate. For some reason I am mostly hung up on looks but in addition I just have this neutral to negative opinion of myself that I can't seem to shake.

Can anyone offer advice as to how I can build confidence and actually learn to love myself?

...went from 115 llbs (not heavy but i wasnt happy) to slender with a rockin' six pack xD maybe it was due to the exercise, but i'm not complaining.

Just look at yourself and stop concentrating on what you DON'T like. just put all your energy into what you DO like. thats what i suggest :D worked for me.

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people are just people like you!

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I've tried weights before and I'm not particularly fond. I've always had a distaste for excercise, even when I was a stringbean of a kid.

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Don't you think if you got stronger and more toned you would feel self-confident though?

Weights I stay away from because I'm afraid of all the fitness buffs at the school gym and you have to do weight exercises in front of everyone else....

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I'm not sure, like I would like to believe so, but the way I feel about myself, I'm not so sure it would make much of a difference. I mean I'm going to be upping my cardio a lot in the next week, but in general, I'm not sure.  

Weights I stay away from because I'm afraid of all the fitness buffs at the school gym and you have to do weight exercises in front of everyone else....

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Trust me it really helps your confidence. I wouldn't even do cardio if I were you (unless you got a big beer belly) and just do lifting weights. It's not even about the way people look at you or how good your hobbies are...When you feel good about your body and your image, it changes the way you look at things (not to mention the endorphins you get after exercising).

If you're worried about the other people watching, try to find a time when no one's there or find a local gym, or save up like 50-200$ for a bench or dumbbells at your house. You can do a whole bunch of things with only dumbbells.

I was in a position just like you and got out of it, that's why I believe so strongly about this.

The thing is though I'm really odd, I think, at least for a guy. I'm not so much interested in muscles as I am in being skinny. I've been skinny and have been chubby and am I guess still a little bit and I'd rather be skinny again than anything else, cause I was happiest back when I was a skinny kid, and I'm pretty sure if I was skinny again I'd look more like I used to. Twisted logic I know, but what I'm saying it's not just my appearance, like, I don't like myself on top of it, no matter how well I do in classes or how many compliments of my talents. It means nothing.

I mean I've tried programs and schedules before but I would always fall and break away from them, I get bored, it's terrible. That's why I said cardio, I could walk forever.

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I don't have a beer belly, a bit of a belly but not a beer belly I guess. More or less a bit pudgy all over, but it's enough to really disgust me entirely. I hate looking in mirrors.

The thing is though I'm really odd, I think, at least for a guy. I'm not so much interested in muscles as I am in being skinny. I've been skinny and have been chubby and am I guess still a little bit and I'd rather be skinny again than anything else, cause I was happiest back when I was a skinny kid, and I'm pretty sure if I was skinny again I'd look more like I used to. Twisted logic I know, but what I'm saying it's not just my appearance, like, I don't like myself on top of it, no matter how well I do in classes or how many compliments of my talents. It means nothing.

I mean I've tried programs and schedules before but I would always fall and break away from them, I get bored, it's terrible. That's why I said cardio, I could walk forever.

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I like to be skinny too..I'm not talking like a big bodybuilder type of muscle, just enough to give some shape. Lifting and cardio (and a diet) would be a nice combination. When I was younger I was a soccer player and I was really skinny, but I looked good. Then I stopped exercising and got fat in some areas, started feeling less confident. I was really skinny around the arms but fat at the belly and ass. So started lifting and occasionally running now I feel much better about myself.

I'm pretty sure improving your image would make you feel better about yourself (I don't care about compliments or doing well in school either).

About feeling inadequate, do you have any friends? Friends can help make you feel wanted and adequate. Even if they are ugly just find someone to talk to.

Edit: Also, for the time being, find things that make you happy short-term, like music or a hobby, to make room for doing things that will make you happy long term (appearance)

Post edited at 4:55 pm on April 13, 2008 by Hero

I also have many hobbies and interests, I like to write, draw, I have interest in horticulture, I like watching movies, I like art. I have so many interests, I don't understand why they don't make me feel better either.

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I do have friends, most are girls actually (ironic considering my dating anxiety), and it can be really fun but it doesn't like really qualm much of the self loathing. I've talked about my fears and feelings and my psychologist said that he thought I looked perfectly normal in terms of my appearance, which caught me off guard.  

I also have many hobbies and interests, I like to write, draw, I have interest in horticulture, I like watching movies, I like art. I have so many interests, I don't understand why they don't make me feel better either.  

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What do YOU want? Do you have any dreams? What would be an ideal life for you?

Does that help?

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Well, considering I'm a perfectionist/idealist my dreams, I think, are quite unobtainable to be honest. I want to be a screenwriter and live comfortably in a nice old home with maybe a family. If I can't be a screenwriter I think I would also like to illustrate children's books or write/illustrate my own children's fiction.  

Does that help?

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Yea, I think you should pursue those dreams, they are definitely obtainable if you set your mind to it. What major are you taking in college? Maybe you could study literature or art. You could even transfer to a film school or something after sophomore year. Make sure it's fun and something that you want. Once you start pursuing those dreams and have made some progress, you'll have something that no one can take away from you.

Also join a club (if you're not already in one) at college. The feeling that you get when you're wanted and useful in a group is very comforting and uplifting. If you feel disconnected or lack confidence, try working on your self-image.

Just know that the only way to change your appearance is by eating habits, cardio, or weight lifting. If you plan right, you can change your body which will change the way you feel about yourself.

I thought about film school, but I was relluctant as I currently don't want to anything to do with directing as I am too demanding personality wise...so I thought it would be best to stick to just screenwriting since I had some experience in highschool and won a lower prize in a national contest. I didn't place the second time I sent in.

I'm in the gardening club, but for some reason I haven't been attending as of lately. I don't know, I guess on some levels it is depression, but it's only when I'm alone, like, when I hang with my friends it's okay, but as soon as they leave, its me and my thoughts and I hate it.  

So you think if I really worked hard on my physical body that I'll be happier?

Post edited at 10:03 pm on April 13, 2008 by metrico