worried about becoming anorexic -- LiveWire Teen Forums

You know, I found myself in your same spot about a year or so ago... I started with eating healthy, then started restricted and at this point in time... Its consumed me entirely. I think the best thing you could do, is let your CLOSEST friend know that your dieting, and just ask him or her to keep an eye on you and make sure it dosn't get out of hand. I'm not sure if your interesting in hearing a glimpce of my story with an eating disorderm but here is is, as of last year. This next few months. And everything related. I'm shivering, shaking, thinking about a year ago from today. Sitting in a hospital bed, crying. I remember every single fucking detail. What i ate for breakfast, what I didn't. The fight about whether i could have my boost plus with ice or not, and the decision that i couldn't unless i wanted to eat all the ice as well. I can't do this. I can't live this next few months and NOT think about it. Renfrew, miami children's hospital. All of it. It seems like it was only a month ago, but also like it never happened. When the nurse let my weight slip, and also how i got 3 snacks added on that day. When hope's parents read the bible, and i complained for a week and a half about it. The nurse who always brought in her little son. Having to be wheel-chaired around, and then crying when i was allowed to walk. How much I hate the heart-monitor, and then wanting to jump out the window when I was taken off it. My heart-rate, and how much I wanted it to get slower, how I smiled when it was in the 30's and how I smiled even more when it jumped to 180 whenever I moved. How badly I wanted that heart attack, how I prayed for it. How I woke up to my chemical romance every morning. Especially the day they brought eggs and a bagel, especially with the fucking jelly. I still find that day ridiculous. How i downed 3 ensure pluses that morning just so i didn't have to have it. And that night, when i added up my caloric intake, screamed and wailed because if i had to have another ensure, it'd go over the number they had set. And then how I got a lecture because my weight went down that morning. How my first snack was an apple and teddy grahams, how I refused to touch any food until 4 pm because my weight broke 100. Fuck that. I remember all of it. THe day hope's one-on-one and mine thought it'd be funny to let our wheel-chairs be pushed down the halls and go down the ramp, without them holding the backs. I admit, it was hilarious. Meeting the football player that told me everything would be fine, how his cousin went through the same thing, how she recovered. I can't believe it was a year ago. I can't. I hate this. I want to go back, so badly. At the same time, I want to run away from it and never look back. I remember meeting ric for the first time and thinking he was one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen, and how I still think that. I remember the first meal I ate with him, peanut butter and jelly, and how I ate it. How everyone made fun of me. Each day. I remember how everyone thought ric and I were in love, but really, he had a boyfriend. I remember how gross I thought I looked. How i always felt that day, and still do. I remember taking pictures of myself in the hospital bathroom, and how I thought i'd never looked fatter. I remember the first night dad left me and how much I cried. I remember all of it, the ambulance ride. Staring at the heart monitor, hoping and praying it'd stop moving upwards. I remember being in the second emergency room, and when the Asian doctor brought in a plate of fruit and chicken fingers, i had an anxiety attack that forced my heart rate form the 30's into the 170s. And how my dad began to scream. I ate about 2 strawberries. I remember how whenever someone left me alone in the room, they brought all the food and drink, because they thought i'd pour it down the drain. I still believed myself to be a bad anorectic then, I still believe it now. I can't believe all of that, was a year ago. No one gets it, and in complete sincerity I don't think anyone ever will.

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