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Something Corporate; a former life |
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 Replies: 15 — Last Post April 17 8:00pm by Major
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( Major )
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feedback or advice if you read this please Last night I was achy and miserable from spending my entire day devoted to reading this miserable book, finishing it, and obsessing over the miserable ending. I was empty and decided to do the only logical thing; I made a playlist. I titled it Corazon and didn't know what I was going to put on it, only that it would include Elliot Smith's "Because (a Beatles cover)". When I make playlists, I'll start with one song and pick out another song in a similar key, or one who's chord progression reminds me of it, and just branch off from there, and I ended up at "Konstantine" by Something Corporate. If that song means anything to me, it's 9th grade, and I was struck with a sharp pang.
In a former life, my boyfriend loved this band. He worshiped it unabashedly-- I was never really that into it, but when Jack's Mannequin came around my 15 year old self was in love. But he knew Andrew McMahon before I did, and I couldn't remember him saying anything about SC for over a year. He drowns himself in music he doesn't like until he finds something decent, probably choking off a bit of his "self" but building up his indie cred, and that's all that matters, right?
He's become increasingly bitter and hardened and cynical, just a ghost of what I knew and what I loved and what I traded mixes with and went to shows with. Our club closed and we started breaking down. I've felt like I was clinging onto something that didn't exist.
Today I was talking to him, it was lazy and it was light, it reached a delicate little pause-- not elegant but dangerous, too fragile. Not exactly the comfortable kind, it was the kind that's coupled with a knot in your throat and an uneasy stomach.I had to say it, I needed an autopsy
"Do you remember when you loved Something Corporate?"
"I still do"
Doctor, I believe there is a pulse.
We're not on life support but we need rehabilitation. I don't know if it'll be a full recovery, I don't know if I can handle it and I don't know if I have faith enough to make it work.
(we've been dating 16 months tomorrow)
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Am I living in rhyme?
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7:36 pm on April 14, 2008 | Joined Aug. 2007 | 237 Days Active
Join to learn more about Major Florida, United States | Female | 5232 Posts | 12469 Points
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Post from this position was omitted due to content violations
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gief
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there ok, there was a point in my life when i loved something corporate too, however that point has passed.
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hey there sweet thang, hows about i buy you a fish sandwich.
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7:42 pm on April 14, 2008 | Joined April 2005 | 342 Days Active
Join to learn more about gief Michigan, United States | Straight Male | 4404 Posts | 9522 Points
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seekingsimplicity
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first of all, i love that you love Elliot Smith.
Secondly, i hate to be the messenger, but generally when a relationship reaches a phase that you described here, it is impossible to go back. You can have reminders and you can reminisce all you want over the good times, but if it changes it never rewinds.
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Umm... yea, this is my signature.
[INSERT SOMETHING CLEVER AND WITTY HERE]
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( Major )
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It didn't start out as a support topic, I moved it to this forum because I realized I wanted advice. So that's the relic of what it was. I think it would be cruel to try and expect people to figure metaphors with the songs or whatever.
I've gotten a lot more reserved. I used to go out more, I had two best friends that were essentially my life and a big social circle. I was blonde and I was happy. One moved to Iowa, and the other stopped talking to me this year, and I felt like my other half was torn from me. So I've become more introverted, I don't go to parties, I do have friends but I'm not a main figure in my clique anymore.
I want to make it work because I need him, I depend on him, if I lose him I have to stand as my own and I'm not capable of doing that. I've always had a best friend and he's mine, we both like each others company and are physically attracted to the other. We're not planning on doing a long distance thing after high school so we want it to be pleasant until we have to break up. Post edited at 12:22 am on April 17, 2008 by Major
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Am I living in rhyme?
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10:46 pm on April 14, 2008 | Joined Aug. 2007 | 237 Days Active
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PrincessLillaMarie
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Essentially it seems like there has been a change in both of you. It happens and the thing that sucks is sometimes we never actually realize it. It seems like there is something he troubling him, that for some reason or another he feels he can not talk about to you. The fact that he is so immersed in his music is an indicator of avoiding the reality of a situation. Is he the quite shy type that holds his emotions in? Is there any way that if you ask him what is wrong he will truly tell you? Also the repair this seemingly sudden wound that you two have been struck with, you also have to evaluate your current situation. Relying solely on one person is healthy for no one. You have to build your own ground to stand on, not stand on someone else's. Other grounds become unstable, and they can sink you in or break you off, if you have your own, you will always have ground of your own to jump back to when someone else's fails you. Is it lack of self-esteem? It maybe. Some people who think they are self-confident, find out all too late that they really aren't. Relying on someone to be by your side is such a thing. It's basically you thinking that you can't make it on your own, when for 14 years before you dated him you were alone. I'm assuming you do not have a twin, so therefore you were born alone. You will not perish if you are left alone, you just need to build up your self confidence, and your independence so that you can make it on your own if this doesn't work out. I would focus on yourself first before worrying to much about him. I'm not saying you don't love yourself, I'm not saying that you hate yourself or anything, but it is time that you are able to stand on your own. And you should take care of you before worrying about him and your relationship.
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Sexyboy13 is my LW hubbie! He spoils me with points
Finally found the love of my life. (and he gave me 8,462 points)
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amiee
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Firstly, I just want to put an idea out there. You're both growing up - 16 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of it all, but when you're growing up and moving through your teenage years, those 16 months are incredibly long because your entire life and self can change. I'm not suggesting that both you and your boyfriend are entirely different people, of course, but I am saying that you have indeed both changed, and in doing so, have perhaps lost a little of what initially brought you together, and what made you love him. . Whether it's lost because it's been buried away and not show lately, or lost through the natural changes in time, I don't know. That's not always an entirely bad thing, because relationships withstand this all the time. However, it is a problem when you find the person he's turned into isn't one you feel right with, comfortable around, or as likable as the person he used to be. I do think it's fair to say that maybe a little rediscovery of eachother might help somewhat, if you're set on making this relationship last. There's still a little something of what made you fall in love with him there, right? You're not on life support but you need rehabilitation. I don't know. I guess it comes down to whether or not you WANT to make it work. Do you want to go to all this effort, for whatever time you have left together? From what I can gather, you want to make it work because of your own insecurities. Do correct me if I'm wrong, of course, because I'm not here to analyse you or tell you how you're feeling. It's just something I picked up. Maybe that's not the only reason alone, though - after 16 months together, I'm absolutely positive that there's love and care there, of course, but my overwhelming impression was that you want to make it work because of those insecurities. Thing is, is that fair on him? And, more importantly, is that really fair on you? To be clinging on to something and keeping it alive, in order to avoid facing the things you fear? Why aren't you capable of standing as your own? What happens when you're done with highschool, when you do breakup and you go off and do whatever it is you have to do? I assume you'll be doing all of that on your own, which is proof in itself that you do not need him, you maybe just think you do. Because you've always had a best friend, you've always had someone there, you've never had to stand on your own and do it on your own. Everyone's time at doing that does come though, and I think it's really important for you to learn how to survive on your own (which, you absolutely CAN do. We all can.). It'll be a new experience for you, but one that you will get through and it'll only go to show you that yes, it's probably preferable having people around you and having best friends, but it is POSSIBLE for you to be alone. I reckon we all face it at some point. Another point about fairness to yourself and to him - is being best friends and having that physical attraction enough? Is it enough to keep you actually happy and to keep this relationship going? Something for you to think about, yeah? The sky won't come crashing down and it will not end if you aren't with him. It might be hard, absolutely, but it's not the end of the world. I'm not going to tell you to go running in and end it, though. I mean, if you're happy with him and you want him around then, by all means, work on saving this relationship. I think the time will come where you'll have to stand on your own and all of that, and if all you want is to have a pleasant time before highschool ends, then I'm not in a position to argue that with you. If you still feel a pulse in this relationship, then there's still something there, and if you want to put in that effort, it can be saved. You said it yourself, it needs rehabilitation. How are you going to do that? How do you want to go about doing that? Is he the type who will be cooperative if you try and talk to him or, even, is talking about things something you even find yourself benefiting from? Do you need to rediscover eachother by doing new and fun things, spending time with eachother doing different things than what you normally do together? I honestly think you need to give it a good think about, and weigh up the pros and cons of being alone and being with him. In which situation would you be happier? Taking out your worries about being without a best friend as such, in which situation would you be happier? Would being without him provide you with that opportunity you need (in my opinion) to learn how to cope on your own for a while? You can have an incredible amount of friend, and still be self sufficient. The benefit of this idea is that should you ever be in this situation again, the idea of breaking up and being without your other half won't be so scary or unnerving. My personal thoughts? You've been with him a long time. A relationship this long, and loving, deserves some effort, yes, but not at the expense of your happiness or how you cope in life. I think you just need to weigh a few things up - is it fair to keep this relationship going for the sake of comfort and security? Is this relationship still going for the sake of comfort and security? Will that really make you happy? Depending on how you answer those questions - if the relationship is existing to provide you with comfort and security and you're not truly happy with that, then I think you do need to reconsider the relationship.
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it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces.
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( Major )
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Quote: from PrincessLillaMarie at 7:01 am on April 15, 2008
 It seems like there is something he troubling him, that for some reason or another he feels he can not talk about to you. 
He and I discussed this a few months ago, and his answer really surprised/hurt me. I asked him if he wanted to know how my therapy was going, because I'm going on medication and I thought he might want to know, as the side effects would have an impact on our sex life. He said that that's a part of me that I shouldn't have to share, and he didn't expect me to because he said that he couldn't. His exceeding arrogance, I think, prevents him from talking about anything being possibly wrong with him. He's miserable and he hates everything, but he won't talk about it. I think it's at least partially caused by his dad's cancer, combined with the stress of being SGA vice president and taking 7 college level classes in 11th grade. He has guilt about being a bad boyfriend because he doesn't have any time for me and he told me that, and it sucks, yeah, but we've gotten through it all year.
We were 16 when we started dating, that song just really reminds me of 9th grade lol
Also the repair this seemingly sudden wound that you two have been struck with, you also have to evaluate your current situation. Relying solely on one person is healthy for no one
...I know. I've just had a really violent change in social order this year, good friends dropping out, leaving the school (it's a really tough magnet), moving. I have friends but all our close friends we share, that's how we met in the first place (we didn't have any classes together because he's math focused and I'm language focused in our program). If we break up we'd be around each other constantly and it's not fair to either of us to have to leave our group and find another, as I go to a small school. Quote: from amiee at 11:28 am on April 15, 2008
I do think it's fair to say that maybe a little rediscovery of eachother might help somewhat, if you're set on making this relationship last. There's still a little something of what made you fall in love with him there, right? You're not on life support but you need rehabilitation. I don't know. I guess it comes down to whether or not you WANT to make it work.
... I do. I went to colorado for 5 days about three weeks ago, before I left we were fine. When I came back he was being really distant and quiet, when I held his hand it didn't feel right. I looked him in the eyes and asked if he wanted to break up with me, and he said that he wasn't going to that day but maybe by the end of the week. I was really calm about it, asking him why: He's having issues with his sexuality. He's bi and it's not sitting well with him, for whatever reason. I don't consider myself bisexual but I don't consider myself straight, so that isn't a problem, but it's a problem with him because his parents are extremely conservative and it's so ingrained in him as wrong. He also said that he's having guilt about not having time for me, he said that such a long commitment was scary (this is partially, I think, because we hadn't hung out outside of school for at least a month up to that point. We normally hang out once a week but have both been really busy, and yes it blows to be committed to someone without actually being able to see the person. I think he was thinking about this especially because he had to go to prom alone, as I wasn't in town, and that's really lonely. He had to go because he's vice president of SGA). I told him what I thought, that I thought that we needed time to be together and actually spend time as a couple instead of living as the idea, and he agreed. I asked him if he still loved me and he said that he thought so. He said that he would decide by the end of the week, which was a douche move in my opinion because at the time I was an emotional wreck, dreading and dreading that day.
I was pretty composed the next day, but I started crying when he sat next to me on a bench and I leaned in and smelled his neck and realized that this is his smell, that I would probably never forget it, and that this may be one of the last times I would get to experience it. He sort of nuzzled with me, but I didn't want to cry too much around him because that's blatant emotional manipulation.
That day we went to his house to hang out and i was lying on a couch while he was eating ( I didn't have an appetite, obvious reasons). He laid down on the couch next to me, he was crying a little, and we just sort of stayed there, breathing each other's air and feeling the other's body and reveling in the moment. He saw that I was hurting and he started hurting, and I think that made him realize that the relationship isn't dead.
If you're wondering about the "i think so" with the love thing, it's just how he is. We're both extremely honest people when it comes to our emotions and if we're having doubts we'll express them. I'm pretty sure his doubts are gone because he'll initiate "I love you's".
We've been hanging out a lot more recently and we are so much better, but it's still looming over me. I do want to make this relationship work, because when it's good it's good. If it ends it'd be on his terms, because he's having issues that he may need to resolve while he's single. Jesus it's so draining talking about this Post edited at 9:18 pm on April 16, 2008 by Major
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Am I living in rhyme?
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8:17 pm on April 16, 2008 | Joined Aug. 2007 | 237 Days Active
Join to learn more about Major Florida, United States | Female | 5232 Posts | 12469 Points
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kendall716
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Hey, I understand that I'm a little bit late for this one; and hopefully you already have everything figured out. In case you don't I'll share my two cents with you. First of all, I agree with you that to an extent crying is emotional manipulation. However, it is okay to cry in front of him every once in a while. If he doesn't see the effect of how much it really hurts you, he might not be able to comprehend. I myself, being a naturally stoick person, generally run into this problem often. He won't take it serious enough until you show him the amount of pain. It's hard to just tell someone to let go of such a former strong relationship. It's a lot easier said then done. That's why I will only mention this option for a moment. If he continues to make things this hard on you, perhaps the best option is in fact to leave. I'm not telling you not to fight for what you have; but I hate to see a girl's emotions sent around and around because a guy can't decide what he wants. You mentioned that you are on medication. If you already have problems dealing with depression, this is extremely unhealthy for you. Even if you don't call it quits, it might be a good idea to just take a break for a little while. Tell him that until he has things figured out he can't keep holding on to you because it just makes things a lot harder. Another option is always to just keep fighting. I can see how much he means to you and that you really don't want to lose him; so maybe if you keep fighting it will really prove to him how much you care. Just being there for him through whatever his emotional crisis is could potentially be the best way. I find it ironic because people always claim that the girls are the hardest ones to understand. While this may be true at times, guys are hard to read as well. What do they want?
Do they want some time alone?
Do they want you to stay?
Do they want a little bit of both? I think that only you can really answer that question because you honestly know him the best. Another thing that critically confuses this situation is the fact that he is not sure of his sexuality. I hate putting this option out there [and believe me it wouldn't be your fault] but maybe he is finally deciding that he is more leaning to the gay side of the spectrum. My best friend has had three boyfriends turn gay. It was hard on her but in the end she had to realize that it's not her fault. Just as [if this is even the case] it is not yours. You are a beautiful and vibrant girl. That is just not enough for some people. I think that you definitely need to have a talk with him. Explain to him that he needs to let you know if there is any chance of a future. If he leaves you hanging, I suggest leaving him alone for a while. After all, absense makes the heart grow fonder. I hope that everything works out for you. Post edited at 5:43 am on April 17, 2008 by kendall716
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Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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amiee
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I really honestly think it's just amazing how honest and open you are with eachother. Reading your latest reply, I felt encouraged by it because a relationship without a future simply wouldn't have that level of communication in it. Even though some of the things you're having to discuss with eachother are difficult and sometimes hurtful, the important thing is that you two are talking about it - the feelings are there, and it's important that you both get them out. That counts for something, really it does. The thing about having such great honesty with eachother is that hopefully you can go to him over what still seems to be looming over the relationship, and the things that are bothering you. Would it be possible to talk about the surprise and hurt you felt about his reaction to you wanting to talk about how the therapy was going, and the change you've felt in the relationship of late (even if things have gotten slightly better)? Things like this:
I do want to make this relationship work, because when it's good it's good. If it ends it'd be on his terms, because he's having issues that he may need to resolve while he's single.
might be useful being said to him. This comment here alone leads me to think that this relationship kind of seems to be in his hands. If I'm wrong, correct me of course, but if the relationship's future is in his hands, then I do think a little talking and communication is in order. I know you want this relationship to work, and I CAN see it working (despite not knowing you, lol, but I mean, from what information I've gathered), but you need to know if his issues are going to be sorted out with or without you. If only for the sake of you happiness, y'know? There's no use in prolonging the relationship, if he eventually decides that he does need to be single to sort things out. Now, I'm not suggesting that you go rushing right in there demanding to know what he wants (and I doubt you'd actually do that anyway), but just having a chat about it, and you maybe letting him know that you need some clarification on what he wants or needs to do. Whatever happens though, I hope you're ok at the end of it all. You seem pretty sorted, and very aware of your emotions, so whatever happens I DO think you'll be ok. It's just a matter of figuring out where you're going, and working out, together with your boyfriend, where this relationship is going.
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it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces.
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kendall716
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Quote: from Major at 6:42 pm on April 17, 2008
Quote: from kendall716 at 5:42 am on April 17, 2008
You mentioned that you are on medication. If you already have problems dealing with depression, this is extremely unhealthy for you. Even if you don't call it quits, it might be a good idea to just take a break for a little while. Tell him that until he has things figured out he can't keep holding on to you because it just makes things a lot harder. ...
Another thing that critically confuses this situation is the fact that he is not sure of his sexuality.
I think that losing him would cause my depression to be more acute. I go through spells where I become almost stuck in my own little world, I sort of retract and put society on pause. He knows how to contact me when that happens, he knows how to reach me and he's pulled me out of it a few times. He's not confused about his sexuality, he's bisexual. that's what he is, he knows that he is. he's just having trouble with that acceptance.
Well then it sounds to me that you have already made your choice. The only thing you can do now is fight for him to prove how much you want for you both to be together. Only you know what will really work. Some guys like extra attention during harder times, but others generally just like to have some space. I'm sure that you are so attuned to his personality that you can easily figure out which one would please him more. I know that you are worried, but I'm sure that this is a phase that will pass. If it doesn't pass, then at least it gave you a head start on getting over him. After all, you mentioned that you both would probably break up for college. Maybe that's his problem anyway? Has he been acting a little better, btw?
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Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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( Major )
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he won first place in the science fair a while ago so he's at states for 5 days. We talked on the phone a little bit but nerds with girlfriends make other nerds nervous.
I miss him a lot though.
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Am I living in rhyme?
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7:51 pm on April 17, 2008 | Joined Aug. 2007 | 237 Days Active
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