Hey there You really didn't specify what your exact problem is so I don't know exactly where to go with this advice, but I plan on trying my best with the information that you have provided.
I suppose that I will dissect your rant.
stop fucking doing this to me!!!!
All you ever do is use me and leave me for dead...... 
Obviously you are angry at someone and feel as if they just "use" you and do not care. It's good that you are recognizing that this is unhealthy. Too often, though I see people that make the recognition that something is wrong, yet refuse to actually fix things in fear that they will be alone. Believe me when I say that you would be better off temporarily alone than in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Trust in yourself and be independent. You obviously need out of this situation if the person refuses to change.
I fucking hate you all now.....I hate all of you and what you've done to me.....You people deserve the worst.....
Some friends I thought you were.....
These people [whomever they are] completely messed with your head. They are not good friends and you need to get them out of your life ASAP. It's the only way to really re-gain hold on your independence. Stop biting the bait they are providing, honey. It's toxic.
I hate living....i hate it so much....i just want to die....no one fucking cared anyway. As you might remember....
I'm still going, but sooner or later....I'm going to give in to this....enormous weight of sadness and depression and all that shit that i said before. and kill msyelf.
This is the most serious part of everything you posted. I don't think people take things serious enough when people claim they are suicidal. You really need help immediately. Don't be ashamed of these feelings that you have because your life depends on it. If you really are serious about harmind yourself please seek immediate counseling. Worst case scenario [assuming you refuse counseling] is that you can call the suicide hotline. It is completely anonymous but provides you an outlet in hopes that you won't actually finish your life.
I would like to suggest a few everyday things that you can do to deal with your anxiety so that things don't add up to a very bad equation.
Legal herbal remedies Any herbal element that is legal would be therepeutic to your system. Some herbal tea is meant to calm you and make your anxiety lower. Be careful, though. A lot of herbal teas are meant for people with insomnia so while you shop for it, read all of the labels. If you drink herbal tea to sleep; be sure that you have at least eight hours to devote to sleep. Also; Do not drive.
The rubber band method You probably heard of this method for people who self manipulate. You didn't mention that you cut; but there is a possibility that you do. This would be good if you do cut, but even if you don't it really helps you deal with your anxiety. This encompasses wearing a semi-tight rubberband (tight on the wrist, yet not cutting off circulation obviously) and snapping it everytime you feel a panic attack coming on. This will focus your attention on the snap of the rubberband and away from any dilemna you are facing.
Counseling I know that a lot of people are absolutely against counseling; but if your suicidal thoughts continue then it really is the only way that you will get better. Maybe some time away at a camp or something will get you away from the unhealthy friendships just long enough to let you heal and realize that these people really are no good for you. Please talk to someone that you can trust. Not your friends. Your friends will just add to your anxiety by gossiping [obviously] Speak with a liscensed professional only.
Medication Are you against being medicated? If you are, are you against a trial medication period? I assure you that at any point you can get off anti-depressants and you will still be the same person. Just a little bit healthier. I think it would be good to medicate yourself at least until all of your drama blows over and you feel that you can be emotionally stable again.
I hope that you seek help from professionals, at least the fact that you posted on here shows that you aren't keeping everything inside.
If you need anything else from me; feel free to respon on here or via PM.
Post edited at 5:57 am on April 16, 2008 by kendall716
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