Let me begin with things you may know.  For example, it should come as no shock to you that The Professional is a flaming homosexual.  What you may not know, on the other hand, is that he is actual famous gay men's icon Rosie O'Donnell.  A little known fact about Rosie is that he likes to pose as a straight teenager on Internet teen forums for the nefarious purpose of soliciting topless images of male minors.  Should this sort of sexual deviance be rewarded with power?

Many of you also know the moderator Tangaroa, and many may even respect him.  However, did you know that through his superior knowledge of technology, Tangaroa actually has managed to conceal the fact that he is the creator and operator of not one, but four different moderator accounts.  DefaultTo0, pleaseremove, and telomere13 are all operated by Tangaroa.  Additionally, he created and controls BballAsh23 where he likes to dress in drag and take photos of himself to upload into his image basket.  Does it not sicken you for one man to have that much power?

Would you like to hear about RelientKFan824?  It's almost too shocking to say.  Did you know she has never actually purchased a single Relient K CD?  She downloads them all...illegally!

JennyColada unashamedly acknowledges the fact that she achieved her modship and high rank through the distribution of sexual favors to various highly influential members of LiveWire.  Not only was davjs involved in this egregious scandal, as is commonly known, but additionally she has sold herself to bri872002 (that's right...another girl) and bighead1991.  It should be said of bighead1991 that he is actually only an eight-year-old who wears stilts and draws stubble on his face with a pen.  I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, she would stoop so low as to perform sexual favors for a boy who owns stilts.

While speaking of the senior most (and junior most) members of the moderation team, I would be lapse if I ignored the truly shocking truth about WigAOK9.  Little did you all know that the pictures in his image basket are merely elaborately photoshopped images from a Google search.  In reality, WigAOK9 is a pair of schizophrenic conjoined twins locked in the Alegant Psychiatric Hospital of Missouri Valley, Iowa.  If, when reading his private messages and posts, you become confused, it is because the hospital only prescribes one dose of medication for him.  Thus, at any given time, one half of his body, and with it one of his typing hands, is being controlled by a severely mentally disturbed mind and the other by a chemically sedated one.  Unseen to most members, he often spends time arguing with himself over the correct decisions for MERs and bannings, with the somber side pressing for strict adherence to the rules and the unmedicated side ranting "The voices say, 'SET US FREE!'"

This is hardly of consequence in view of the nature of another group of moderators.  Let it be known that Annastasia, Periwinkle, Enzeru, and cutie2 are part of a satanic, orgiastic cult under the direction of branflakes.  In addition to their drinking of animal blood and deviant sexual escapades, they all conspired to achieve their positions as mods by magically removing davjs' testicles and trapping them in a Folgers coffee can in a demon dimension to remain as hostages.  Now that they are in power, The Oath uses LiveWire to seek out and recruit young, attractive females for his cult, while the others consume themselves with the desperate (though often fruitless) search for virgins to sacrifice to their giant goat idol.

Just as cruel, famed rabbit lover britishguy and famed penguin lover penguincube meet annually off the coast of Nova Scotia to go whaling and, if fortunate, bludgeon the occasional baby seal.  They have lied to gain our trust and they aren't the only ones.  Notorious misanthrope katyduck is actually a nice person.  She likes hugs, cute breakfast cereal mascots, and crying every time she hears Audrey Hepburn and Fred Astaire sing 'S Wonderful.

Of all the compulsive liars among the mods, it may be said confidently that medjai is the most prolific.  Frequently going weeks without logging on to LiveWire, he regularly has a new excuse for his lapsed attendance.  In truth they have all been lies.  In fact, medjai is a fugitive running from the law.  In the mid-70's, he began smuggling refugee Polish girls from France to work for the Italian Mafia in China town.  In 1981 when the law came for him, he escaped by the skin of his teeth.  He has been on the run ever since, wanted for crimes in 49 states, four countries, and Antarctica, if caught he would be held liable for bringing over 400 underage girls into the country for the purpose of prostitution.  He can never stay one place long, and thus his log-ins are infrequent.

He's not the only criminal among the mods either.  Rastafarian is the president of the West Coast branch of the KKK.  He's blackballed every black mod to try and get promoted. Major is addicted to LSD, which isn't too bad on it's own, but what one must realize is that she supports her habit by selling cocaine mixed with laundry detergent to little kids and Jack Russell Terrier puppies.  dreamweaver is the great, great niece of Hitler's third cousin.  She shaves tiny swastikas in her arm pit hair every morning in an attempt to never let hope die.  insertnamehere is a closet fascist, pleasuring himself late at night while looking at pictures of dreamweaver's armpits.  Finally, and most despicably, I'm pretty sure The Oath was one of the terrorists involved in the 9/11 attacks.  He's not an islamo-fascist, but he is a Canadian.  If that's not motive I don't know what is.

Nor is he the only one associated with 9/11.  On 9/12, RachLeigh13 was abducted and taken to an underground government facility pioneering genetic alteration for the purpose of military superiority.  Six months later she escaped.  No one knows exactly what they did to her (except that it involved probes...lots of probes), however at any moment her latent programming could take over, causing her to go on a killing spree the likes of which would make the holocaust look like a traffic accident.  Needless to say, you won't like her when she's angry.

Prince o palities, UnusualOne, SomeoneLoveMe, and MariJani are part of an ultra-conservative, fundamentalist coalition.  In reality, Prince o palities is actually closet-homosexual Fred Phelps, UnusualOne and SomeoneLoveMe are Elizabeth II (note the shared name) and Margaret Thatcher respectively.  MariJani is actually Condaleezza Rice, though she was forced to pose as a vapid, white sorority girl to slip past Rastfarian.  Together, these four abuse their moderator powers in an attempt to rid LiveWire of what they have so often called "those sexual deviants who don't do it missionary position.  If that wasn't the position ordained by God, they wouldn't call it 'missionary.'"

I would like to state now that the above is all confirmed fact.  You may notice that not every mod has been mentioned.  If you did, you would be right.  In fact, there is a mod who is so squeaky clean that I could think of nothing to say against him: ajm51987.  However, you have now seen the character of the rest of the mods.  It's time for a change.  It is time for us to rescue David's balls from the demon dimension where they are being imprisoned, turn Jared into the French government, and tell Rosie that ever since he left the View no one cares about him anymore!  Let your voice be heard.  Down with the mods!

What's worse now is that David continues to promote corrupt people.  For example:

Did you know that FurryPanther is a closet homosexual?  That's right.  He's one of those homosexuals who came out of the closet, only to crawl cravenly back in when he didn't like the man-love he was getting.  Shameful, right?

Not as shameful as Blank black, the next young female recruit in branflakes despicable cult.  But Blank black is a man, right? Wrong!  Blank black was a male when he joined LiveWire, but is in fact now a post-operative transsexual.  An unattractive post-operative transsexual.

Speaking of moderators who can't make up their mind (be it FurryPanther with his closet hopping or Blank black with his unfortunate transsexuality), Nikki has now been a mod three times!  Each time she comes and goes it is under suspicious circumstances.  For example, the first time she resigned happened to coincide perfectly with the day that Saddam Hussein went into hiding.  Strangely enough, the day he was executed she came back to the mod team.  Now, I'm not saying that she's actually Sadam Hussein and that she had plastic surgery while in hiding, letting a double take her place at the execution...but if I were, I'd have circumstantial evidence to support it.  What I do know for sure is that she was demoted again amidst controversy with ajm51978, and now, upon her third promotion, ajm51978 (the only decent moderator) has mysteriously disappeared without a word.  Is Nikki in fact a megalomaniacal, Islamo-fascist mass-murderer who has exacted her revenge on the only decent moderator on staff?  I leave it for you to decide.

And the bad members just keep getting promoted.  carbonara the latest ill-fated addition to the fraud-squad, is none other than famed net-madam and online sex toy entrepreneur, Whipsin Chains.  In addition to her numerous appearances on barely legal S&M dungeon sites, she also operates a sex novelty retail website (which I would link to, except the moderators would almost certainly warn me for posting pornography...in spite of the fact that I know branflakes and his brood are regular customers).  Carbonara's site specializes in underwater lesbian bondage equipment, including her best selling glow in the dark vibrating strap on dildo proven functional at 750 meters below the surface.  Most despicable of all, the dildos are made with child labor in under water Thai sweatshops and tested on rabbits...britishguy's rabbits.  PETA brought suit against her in late 2006, but seeing as PETA is full of lesbians, carbonara just bribed them with coupons for free underwater warming lubricant with the purchase of two deep sea electric cattle prods.  I don't know what's worse, bestial scuba rape or hippie lesbians who trade their morals for BOGO sex coupons.  It doesn't matter; with carbonara you get both.

Post edited at 3:08 pm on June 28, 2008 by Anonymous

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Way too much time on your hands.

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My voice will be heard!