tired, miserable, in agonizing pain -- LiveWire Teen Forums

i cannot calm down. i have no friends.
the only one i had left abandoned me.
...abandoned me to live a life full of pain and misery.
the only one who ever understood....gone.
gone away to be friends with that one who caused me to hurt like this.
which hurts. every time i see her talking to that waste of life who hurt me. hurt me like you cannot comprehend.
you cannot understand it until you feel what i cannot stop feeling...every single...day of my life.
i force myself to walk right past. i force myself to keep my eyes facing straight.
i force myself to make it to he stairwell where i can hide my tears. i force myself to live.
you who would say that I have been through a lot, have only touched upon what I've been through. I've been through more than I can even remember at this point, because it hurts to remember. Its so much easier to suffer, than it is to feel the compounding pain from my perfect memories. They are down to the last detail.
what i ate, what i drank, what i bought...before i lay in that bed and had...seizures? convulsions? where i would cry, cry until blood was streaming from my eyes. then i lay still. i lay still, wanting to die. wanting to blast my life away.
I began to see my visions at the point. seeing the visions of the unattainable happiness i longed for.
seeing myself with a person, a person i cannot see.
i cannot make out who they are and i have never been able to. these distorted visionseventually distratced me enough so I could sleep. once i got to sleep. i usually slept trhouh trhe night because i was far too fatigued from what i had gone through that night. it was like that for many months. i lst count of how many it had been now. it was a long time. now, now what?
Don't lecture me. Don't tell me life will suddenly get better. Do not.
I am not in a right state of mind to be patronized.
I've been to get help that does not work.
and it seems to me the only way to "fix" this, is to become medicated, but i won't forget just because i am on the medicine. that will be probably prove to make me even more unstable.
I will not give thse people a chance. Not those...interested in me...(...liars...fakes..), to those doctors ( absolutely not helpful) and people who have betrayed me all of my life [which is and has been everyone]...(I wish you all would just go away and make my life...just a little more livable), you all are making eveything that much worse to the point that i dont feel alive anymore.
Right now I can say that I feel that burning pain in my chest and heart agaiun but i still type on, because i;m too angry to stop now. I need to kep going until i just get too tired to type and fall asleep here.
i knwo there will be people who will read and then they will not know what to say to me, well thats okay, but don't tell me i have done nothing to try to help myself...and all that crap. The way I understand it, people are going to anyway. I know they willl. I understand how people work. I can't understand myself and yet I continue to come on here and post tthese thigns becaese i hae nowhre else to turn to and no one to talk tol. becayse all have left me to die. just like i knew they would. not one of them has ever really cared about me, not one of them who say they love me ever showed it in any way at all...no one....cares...at...all
and all...people say...is stupid crap like i'm trying to be artistic when i'm suffering....
soo tiredd... cannot say anymore...and i doubt people will respond to this message here.
and yes...i've also sent this to ehelp, though i doubt what they can do with this....

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