This is pretty much a combined response for the three topics you've made in this forum in the past wee while, that are without responses, yeah? Firstly, you've let out a huge amount both in this topic and in the other one titled "I want to just live again". Possibly more than I've ever really seen you give away, and I'm really glad that you have. So you're at least getting it out somewhere, and you're helping me an incredible amount by revealing just that little more, y'know? Just wanted to thank you for that, really. :]
Not, as for what's wrong with you? I'm referring to your questions in this topic, and the latest one you made. What's wrong with you? Well, who knows. I can't say - I have no idea - but one thing I'm pretty sure of is that you're hurting. A lot. You're struggling in a number of different ways, due to whatever reasons known to you, and it's now gotten to the point where everything in the world seems pointless, where you can't see anything bright or good in your future, in fact, you can't see a future for yourself at all. Depression can do that to you, so, whilst I can't say what it is that's "wrong" with you, I can say that your proper self, that rational side of you who wouldn't kill himself or whatever, the side of you that can look toward the future - well, he can't quite get through right now, as your sight is so being so badly clouded by this depression and whatever negative feelings you're experience. There's more negative than positive running through your body right now, and that's what needs to be dealt with.
Now, first and foremost, I gather that you're still hurting a lot because of losing (for whatever reason) the people and things who mean a great deal to you? There's not a huge amount I can say about that, but I WILL point out that people come and go. The most special people in the world can only be with us for a short period of time, and then they go. For whatever reason. You can choose to blame yourself for that and lead yourself down that dark and miserable path, or you can begin to accept that it's just the way things are. Yes, it hurts, and yes, you wish it hadn't happened. But it has and all you can possibly do with yourself, if there's no hope of getting these things and/or people back, is accept it and try to rebuild your life. Pick yourself up from the ground where you've been left after they've gone, give yourself a talking to and carry on living your life. It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to regret certain things from your past, but it starts to get worrying when you let it all consume you. Losing special people and things is something we all experience, as unfortunate as that is, but there are plenty more people and things out there just waiting to be experienced. I know, you don't want to hear all that "look to the future!" malarkey, but that's not what I'm getting at. What I'm saying is that if you continue wallowing in everything you've lost in life, it's going to get harder and harder to find new things to appreciate. We can't see these things if our grief, sadness, depression - all of that - is blinding us. Yes it hurts, but most things do when they're healing.
I'm not suggesting you just "get over" things. I wouldn't. However, I am suggesting that you maybe try holding yourself up and reminding yourself that yes, you've lost a lot, but there's still an incredible amount to gain. I understand that all you've lost has made you reluctant to go one, I do understand that so well, but all I can say to that is that life is up and down. Hugely so. And sometimes we just have to learn how to be dependent on ourselves, so that when we do experience loss (whether it our fault or theirs) we can allow ourselves to be sad, we can feel crap about it, but can pick ourselves up and get on with life.
Maybe later when I find new things my life may improve, but I already have a bad feeling that I won't make it much farther. 
Yes, there's always tomorrow. Thing is, saying that is entirely useless unless you BELIEVE that things can come to you later in life. You're full of negativity - you've already resigned yourself to a shitty future and suicide because you feel so negative about it all. You're not giving yourself a chance, and it's so very important that you do. I know it's incredibly hard to stay upbeat and positive, but I don't think that's what I'm suggesting. What I'm suggesting is that you try not to resign yourself to a shite future. For every "I won't make it" though, counter it with an "I WILL make it" thought, kinda thing. I have to do this with myself a whole lot, because it can and does help. I'm not sure. I think it's just essential that you don't fill yourself with such negativity. If you're convinced that everything's always going to be hard and bad, well, it'll stop you from seeing all that good stuff.
There's not a huge amount I can say, though. I can offer tips and suggestions, but combined with all the things you have to do yourself - pressing on through life, accepting things from your past and whatnot - I think it's so important that you do seek professional help. Yes, you've lost faith in it and sure, you're not sure how you're covered by insurance. But I'm sure that there is someone out there who can help you, someone who will take the time, some way for you to pay for it. You can give up on it all you want, and you can choose not to bother anymore. But this is your life. This is your shot at happiness. There is no one cure for whatever you're experiencing, getting "better" and feeling happier takes a huge amount of combined factors. It takes work from every angle, in every possible way. It can take an incredibly long time, but so long as you're actively doing things to improve your situation, well, the longer you'll hold out, I reckon.
These things don't just go away.
There will be no later. There is no later.
This is pretty much true, though. I mean, there can be a "later" in that you can have ideas about the future and whatnot, but at the core of it all, all there is is now. And you have to focus yourself on getting through the here and now, so that there is a later, y'know?
Nothing I do really matters. Nothing. I struggle to take care of my outward appearance, exercising rigorously daily, making sure to be as hygienic as possible, but all that falls short to how I feel inside. It is hopeless. Not because I think it is. But because it is.
The things you do CAN begin to matter, but as I mentioned before, everything is so horribly clouded by all the negative things you're feeling. Hopeless is just a word, it doesn't have to be. Your situation just is, things just are. Sometimes they're up, sometimes they're down. Sometimes you can't see a way out, but that's when we just have to work.
I know you're feeling terrible enough to end it all, and I can't give you a reason for sticking around. None of us have reason for sticking around. No one knows the mystery to life. I reckon we should all quit trying to figure it out and just live it, to be honest. I'm not promising that life will get better and one day you'll have no worries at all. I don't know how long you'll feel like this, I don't know what's "wrong" with you, and I don't know how to fix it. But I do know that we can get ourselves through life with a little belief and self-dependence, combined with a little help from outside factors. Just my opinion, of course.
You know where to find me, should you ever need anything at all.
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and i wanted to ride with Yuri Gagarin
as he circled all around my world
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