Hey! Sorry it's taken me aaages to actually get back to this, I'm all caught up with ridiculously silly things and I hadn't much time on the internet. Anyway! Firstly, why are you a waste of space? I mean, what makes you feel that you should be rejected, that you should feel like this, that you're a waste of space? I understand that sometimes you just can't get it out of your head, all those negative thoughts and feelings. But have a sit back and think about it. Why are you a waste of space? Also, how did people change when you admitted that you need a doctor? I'm curious.
Seeing as you put things into certain paragraphs, I'll talk about each thing in turn, yeah?
Your mum. Emotional abuse is something really, really difficult for you to be experiencing, but I do think there are a few things you could try doing to make things a little easier. I know it won't be easy, and I know you probably don't feel like actively trying anything out, but it might be one of the only ways to sorting this whole mess out. Sometimes you just have to push through it all, despite how terribly difficult it is. So yeah, back to your mum. Firs and foremost - you shouldn't feel that you have to hide your emotions. If you've been crying, then you have options. You can try to cover it up but, well, we've already seen the outcome of that, right? Your mum reacts negatively to this, so perhaps you could try something else. Something she'd act less negative about and something that might make YOU feel a little better, too. My obvious suggestion would be that you don't pretend or try to cover things up anymore. If you've been crying then, quite simply, you've been crying. It's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to have to hide. It's an emotion - something we all experience, and it's most certainly not something for you to have to hide. How about you try giving it a go? Just be you. There's nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.
About the way she treats you - first, I'm really sorry. Like, I really do sympathise with you on that one. I understand that because you're feeling so low all you want is a cuddle and some kind words, but maybe you're going to have to accept that maybe all that stuff isn't going to come from your mum. I don't know why your mum acts the way she does and I don't know why she can't give you what you need right now, but sometimes we just have to accept things the way they are. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if things can't be changed, if you can't talk to her about it and try to change things that way, then maybe you really are going to have to accept that this is just the way that your mum is. Sure, it's not ideal, and you're going to have to find other coping methods - away from home, which obviously stresses you out, and away from your mum.
In taking that into consideration (if you're really sure that no amount of talking to your mum or any explanations would help), then you'll have to find other ways to cope. How's your relationship with your dad? You mentioned that he sometimes has to tell your mum to stop, so do you think you'd fair any better with him, in regards to support and whatnot? I understand that you need to seek support from somewhere, so maybe you're dad's an option?
Other than that, maybe try and balance your time both in and outside of your house. Clearly, it's stressing you out being at home when you're mum is acting like that, so when you feel like you can't take it or when you just need out then, by all means, get out! Being cooped up in your house when it has a negative atmosphere won't do anything to help you at all, so getting out and about - even just going for a walk/run, seeing friends, window shopping, anything - might help somewhat. It'll take you out of the house for a bit, it'll help clear your head, and it'll help you get that strength and courage to get through another day. Think about it, maybe?
Not until I can accept myself, not until I can accept that I am not perfect and that perhaps I can see that somehow I gotten stronger... 
That's ok. Really it is. You're feeling fragile and weary right now, but it sounds like you ARE trying to accept all of these things. That's the important thing, that's the thing you have to hold onto. I guess all you can do is keep trying and trying and working on whatever issues you have. I know you're having all of these dark feelings, but you're still getting through the days, right? All I can really emphasise here is that you don't let yourself fall to the floor and stay there. We all fall sometimes, we all trip and stumble and sometimes it's really fucking hard to get back up, but the important thing is that you DO get back up, and you keep battling through these things that are hurting you.
With that I feel as if I will fall back into denial. I will be denied as I play it cool, I will play the game over again and say I was recovered. Everyone believes me, except they don't know I already feel dead.
Well, that's one of your biggest problems. No one can help until you stop pretending. I'm not saying that you have to go on medication if you don't want to, that's fair enough, but trying to prove that you're recovered when you really AREN'T isn't going to do you any favours, at all, and it isn't going to help your situation. I mean, I guess it's in your hands, right? You can go on pretending all you want, but it won't get you feeling better and it won't make life any happier for you. I'm not sure there's much else I can say. This is your decision. You can choose to be real, to stop pretending. And in doing so, you can choose how the rest of it goes for you. I know it's hard and I know it's scary, but sometimes we have to come through the terribly hard and scary things to feel better, or at least somewhat better, at the end of it all.
I'm jealous of the people who have someone to talk to
Understandable, of course. Going through depression can be an extremely lonely experience, and sometimes, even if you're not usually one for having loads of friends and having people to talk to, the idea of it seems really appealing. It's ok that you feel like this, but I guess it's up to you what you choose to do with it. Does this feeling bother you in the sense that you would like more people around you? If you had the opportunity, would you make new friends?
As for the wee bit you added yesterday. I'm glad you told. I really, really am. And now's your time to be honest, yeah? As I mentioned before, this is in your hands. You can hide the truth and be misdiagnosed all you want, but that's NOT going to help. Being honest, just taking the deep breath and pressing on, can get you the help that you need. I'm a firm believer in professional help only working if the person receiving it actually WANTS that help, so I guess you have some serious thinking to do. I can't say any more, and no one else can help what what's going on, if you choose to pretend everything is fine and if you choose not to accept help. It's in your hands. You can say that nothing is going to help all you want, but how do you know unless you actually try?
I completely understand that having so many people know is horrible for you. Again, revealing these sorts of feelings would leave anybody feeling really vulnerable and pretty rubbish. I just wanted to point out that it's a natural feel though, to be honest.
If they really were professionals they could pick up the signs that I've attempted it, and that I am hurting myself in an emotional way. If they gave a dam that bunch they would have kept me in the hospital, they'd have checked my arms for recent cuts. They would of gave me something anything, to take the pain away. Instead I'm home with nothing.
See, this is what makes me think that you DO want help. Why else would you wonder why they didn't keep you in hospital or why they didn't check your arms for cuts? One thing I will point out is that you can't expect too much too fast. Professional help takes it's time, it goes slowly. Just waiting things out on their own doesn't help, but time combined with active attempts to make things better generally does some good. It does take time though and sometimes progress can be quite slow. Again, you're never going to know unless you try.
Your problems aren't small or stupid, though. I mean, these are very real and very serious problems. But your attitude is too negative. You don't believe that you can be helped or that things can get better, and during times like this, well, I think you need to believe that it CAN get better. Give yourself and give the people who want to help you a chance, hmm?
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it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces.
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I was planning on replying to this today. If you've still got a copy of it somewhere, I'd want to read & reply. 
