I sought legal advice this afternoon though regarding her refusal to pay the rent so we'll just have to see where this goes.

The fact still remains that she deserted me and knew full well that it would cripple me emotionally and financially. It was reckless, irresponsible and inconsiderate.

She may have legitimate grounds for divorce, but so do you as she left you high and dry and has violated your tenancy agreement etc. Your argument would be exactly what you just said now, she will claim your depression, you will claim that is fine and well and true, but that she did not take the appropriate steps for a divorce on that grounds. She would not be at fault if she had not fucked you over and just went about the divorce legitimately, but she decided to play mean games for no apparent reason at all.

I'm going to copy/paste a rant here form a PM just for my own record:

I'm really pissed about this whole marriage thing though. I made it really clear to her when we married that to me marriage was a permanent bond and divorce was only for situations where there was physical danger to a spouse or where there was no hope left. As long as I'm pulling my finger out and changing and we haven't even tried marriage counselling yet then I don't think she has grounds to say there's no hope. SO I'm pissed off with her on that one because I think 8 years of being together and our marriage bows should mean that we try EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION before we split up - and that means I get a chance to sort my life out and we get a chance to go to counselling and THEN she can say there's no hope.  

Here's another thing that pisses me off.  

 

• She knows I have no way to support myself financially.  

• She knows how long it takes to get a job - because even though she had work experience it took her two months and that was when there were more jobs going.  

• She knows that benefits take weeks to come through.  

• She's living it up with her friends, not having to pay any set amount of rent on any set day or having a landlord breathing down her neck or having utilities breathing down her neck and does she offer me one penny? No!

• When we moved to Brighton I put all my savings from work I did whilst at school - some £2000 - into setting us up.  

• When we had no money to live off I used £2000 of my child bond money to keep us afloat.  

• And now she has the nerve to just walk away knowing full well that I have no means of support and when she has no financial obligations where she is currently staying, and not offer me a penny in support. I even phone up when the rent is due in a few days and she doesn't offer a penny to help??  

• She tells me to use the overdraft - well that will levae me, once the bills are paid, with a balance of about -£700.  

• She tells me to get the benefits - they will pay the rent and some of the bills but they will leave me with NOTHING for bus travel, phone calls or food. what the fuck am i supposed to eat? She's living it up with her friends living a comfortable lifestyle with all her income to herself when she has no fucking bills to pay and no fucking rent, and I'm sitting here with no fucking money to buy a bus ticket, get clothes for an interview, or get food. How can I get a fucking job when I can't fucking find the money for a bus ticket, or interview clothes? She knows I have no suits or anything. She KNOWS this. But she's fucking sitting there keeping her income to herself and eating, going out and generally relaxing with her fucking friends like it's nothing to do with her.  

• And to boot she fucking knows that I am ill, that I have medication for my fucking illness and that ideally I need to get back into work more gradually. It's plain fucking cruel. Sure she wanted to give me a kick up the arse, sure she wanted to get out for some space, but she didn't have to be so selfish, immature and irresponsible with my well being.  
  

She didn't have to fucking hobble me before I even started.  

She's completely fucking dropped me in the shit.  

Post edited at 4:33 pm on May 13, 2008 by britishguy

So tonight I discovered that she had a hotmail account. I reset the password and went and had me a look at some emails.  

I discovered she had been planning on leaving me for over a month. In fact I remember the day that she says she decided, and I remember the argument we had.

In some of her earlier emails she does actually say that she tried to be there for me to care and support me, but after that date she just starts insulting me.

She talks about me feeling sorry for myself and how she has a much more exciting life than mine and just has to put me out of her mind. She talks about how much she's looking forward to being free. It seems that practically everyone at work was in on the plan one way or another. She even spent the best part of a day forging her graduation certificate so that I wouldn't notice it missing from the flat, and talks about how much fun it was.

On the day I tried to see her at work she jokes about how she had a good view and saw me coming up the hill. He colleague told her to make a run for it and she hid in someone else's office. She said "he just wanted to hang around outside the building looking sorry for himself. Stupid arsehole."

Of course I looked sorry for myself. I suffer from fucking depression and the day before my wife left me and to add to that she told me I have no money, a PAYG mobile and no way to pay the rent or bills.

She also talks about reading my "crap" going on about how I can't bear to live without her and how she can just read a bit and then forget it and get on with her happy new life.

She even claims to have cried tears of joy the next morning when she woke up and realised she didn't have to put up with me any more.

She is going on endlessly about the new her - how much happier she is, how everyone can see what a happy healthy person she is, how FUCKING WONDERFUL IT IS. She has taken pictures of the new and happy her enjoying her wonderful new life. She even moved into a new room of her own in a different fucking town last weekend. No wonder she doesn't want to pay the rent here - she's fucking got somehwere of her own. I mean that's great, levae me high and dry wiht no income and then go and get a place of your own.  

She's even been going shopping and enjoying her "bigger disposable income" as she calls it. I mean she fucking deserts me, leaves me with no way to pay the bills, not time to get a job or even start to sort my fucking life out and then despite our tenancy agreement and marriage contract she goes out spending her fucking money on shoes and clothes and shit.

Further more, every fucking time she does something she insists on reporting ot her friends how cool it is because she'd never have done it while MARK was around. She'd never have done that with MARK.  

And she is telling just about everyone who will listen every fucking sob story she can remember from our marriage and just about every mistake I ever made without ever fucking once mentioning THAT I HAVE BEEN FUCKING ILL.  

She even told her line manager that she needed someone in her office every afternoon last week in case I came in and tried to cause a scene or hurt her! And one of the reasons she didn't tell me to my face about leaving is that she thought I might snap and go mental and try and really hurt her or something. No joke. I feel so insulted. She's really playing the victim card for all the attention she can get.

Better hope I never want a job in that department.

How can she fucking live with someone with suicidal depression and social anxiety for all that time and then turn around and tell people every bad fucking thing I did like I was purposefully being an arsehole with apparently no appreciation that it is an illness?

She doesn't once mention all the  fucking time I spent cooking or cleaning for her - all the fucking times i held her, all the fucking things I did for her. She doesn't fucking mention the £3000 I spent of my own fucking savings on setting us up and seeing us through a rough patch. She acts like she was some huge fucking victim.

She's acting like it's the best fucking thing she's ever done leaving me and like we never had any love, and affection or any happiness.  

She's acting like I never showed her an ounce of affection or did anything for her except hold her back with my fucking miserable existence.  

And to boot she is acting like everyone in the fucking world agrees with HER because she IS SOOOO FUCKING PERFECT. Everyone is telling her how much healthier and happier she looks. Everyone thinks what a fantastic change has come over her. All because she got rid of that shitbag of a husband.

But for those of you who have read this far, I am not just angry, I am ashamed. She was so unhappy that it seems that for a couple of months before she left she had not been sleeping properly and had been knackered all the time because she felt so drained. She had even got to the point where she couldn't eat properly without feeling ill afterwards. I thought she just wasn't hungry, but it seems it was actually me.

And apparently she hasn't slept properly in months. She never told me. How could I fucking know if she never told me? I WAS ASLEEP. Of course she's sleeping great now - the best sleep she's had in ages. All because I'm not there fucking up her life.

Oh, and here's a stupid little thing. One thing she's enjoying doing right now is reading and drinking wine in the evenings on her own. .She always fucking told me she didn't like any alcohol - even wine. I tried to get her to drink wine several times and she eventually said she wanted to avoid alcohol altogether because it made her feel depressed.

Now all of a sudden it's "wow it's so great drinking wine and reading - Mark would never have let me do that" - WTF? I WANTED to drink. I stopped drinking altogether because she didn't like alcohol. And I certainly never stopped her from reading. Jesus.

I ruined her life I made her so intolerably miserable, and up until the time when she decided to leave me she was still trying to make excuses for me in her emails and she was really trying in January to give me a chance to put things right. And I fucked it up. I fucked her up. I ruined her life. I made her miserable.

When we moved to Brighton I only ever wanted to make her happy, but I made her so miserable that she felt that way. She felt so miserable that all she has felt since leaving me, according to her emails, is joy and relief. Actually she used the word euphoria.

I screwed everything up completely. What a fucking tard.

So yeah, I'm angry to some extent, but how much of all that shit above is just bravado? How much of it is her just showing herself and her friends that she's actually free to enjoy life at last? And I've certainly said some cruel and insulting things about her since she left - how much of it is just her end of that?

And remember, I wasn't supposed to see any of that anyway. I don't know how to take it. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

I still don't see why she had to leave town.

I still want her back. I didn't mean to fuck up her life like that.

Post edited at 4:34 pm on May 13, 2008 by britishguy

I know I'll probably repeat some of the things that others have posted on here, so I hope you don't mind. I read most all of your posts from Louise leaving, to you not being able to talk to her, then you trying to to call her, then finally talking to her, and on and on. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now.

First of all, I don't know you except from these few posts, but I don't see any evil or malicious behavior from you. Obviously, you love the lady immensely, and someone who purposefully hurts people could never love like you do. And because you were with Louise since you were 14, I'm sure, deep-down, she knows the same thing. You continue to blame yourself for causing problems for Louise, but it wasn't on purpose! As much as you want to continue telling Louise that you're sorry, it won't change the situation.

I don't believe that Louise left, and then would come back because you apologized for something you can't help. You say she was your reason for waking up the next day, but you couldn't love yourself enough to wake up on your own. Simply, that's why she had to leave. She wanted you to be able to stand on your own feet, not for you to continuously apologize to her.

I do believe it was very wrong for her to just get up and leave without much explanation, not paying the rent, and bashing you in those emails. When you called her at first, she was angry, but later on, she became more sympathetic and nice, right? But she still didn't want to meet with you. I know that had to be confusing and painful.

But, if you look at the situation from her shoes, if she had come to lunch to talk about things, she probably would have slipped right back into the way things were before. I know she said that she "stopped loving you," but I don't really believe that is possible at all. The fact that she was worried about wanting to go back to you if y'all went to lunch shows that she does still care about you, but she can't manage to be with you again.

I know you're angry, but the separation can ultimately be your chance to get some serious help for your severe depression and social anxiety. If she had stayed with you, in reality, would you have gotten anywhere by looking to her as your reason to live? I'm a little confused; have you had therapy in the past? I get the feeling that you have, but I'm not sure.

You've probably heard this from everyone on here, but PLEASE find some professional help from a doctor. I know, I know. Easier said than done, correct? I know you have a lot to deal with right now, including financial problems, but the MOST important thing is making sure you're mentally safe and stable. Put aside every other part of your life until you are on the road of recovery from your depression. Then, you will be able to find a job and fix your financial problem. If you aren't sure where to start when finding help for yourself, call up your doctor and ask about hospitalization for depression or therapist who deal with suicide and depression.

Once you are mentally better, you can show off the fact that you don't need anyone else to survive. I understand that you are a bit cynical as well. This sounds pretty normal for someone with severe depression because before you can care about others, you have to be able to care about yourself.

Start focusing on starting over, Mark. I know you want her back, but that can't be your main priority right now. Once you start feeling better, you'll realize that you're wasting your time trying to chase your wife instead of getting help for yourself. You can be angry at her, at yourself, but it's not helping you. Turn all that energy of trying to convince her to come back to you into trying to move on and getting help for yourself.

If you need anything else, please PM me, okay?
Good luck,
Rachel

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Put your freakum dress on!

What were you thinking going into her email?!?!?!?!

Nothing that is written there is going to help you in anyway and it is only going to make you feel worse. Furthermore when she finds out she will probably be very upset... and that will not in anyway make having cordial conversations about money and things easy.

I know that it could be temping to read her thoughts and you want to find out more but MARK it WILL NOT help!

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"Dancing through life mindless and careless.
Make sure your where less trouble is rife.  
Woes are fleeting blows are glancing
when you're dancing through life..."

Okay, so Kira does have a point and this was something I had started to think already anyway.

I know Louise was less than kind in her more recent emails. One of them was even entitled "I'm finally leaving the bastard" - which really cuts deep, but at the same time I can understand where she's coming from, guys.

I mean come on, the poor woman was so stressed out at my dependence on her, my self-absorbed misery, and my failure to be there as her husband to listen to and support her through her problems that she wasn't sleeping properly and felt ill after eating. This was all starting to have a very physical effect upon her health - somethign I never even knew about and something I would never have allowed to continue had I known, had she told me these things were my fault.

How many of you can say you would feel any differently? Of course she is mad at me. Of course she is calling me names. Of course she is finding it hard to see that I was ill - she was hurt, she was let down, her own husband made her life this way. I'd say she has a right to be pissed off and to vent to her friends, wouldn't you?

So I guess I'm still hurt by those things, but I'm not so resentful or angry. I can understand where she was coming from. I can understand how much of a relief it must be to be away from me and actually have the freedom she has missed for so long. I can understand how good it must be not to have to worry about how miserable your husband is going to be when you come home from work in the evening. You don't have to worry about what his latest moan or problem is. You don't have to spend al weekend telling him you love him and he is worthwhile. She can just get up in the morning and get on with her life and enjoying her existence without actually having to spend all fucking day thinking about keeping my life going. That would make anyone happy.

I just hoped that somewhere underneath all that she might be hurt, angry - ANYTHING that showed she cared for me. If she feels let down or disappointed then that's a good sign in a way because she must love me to feel disappointed by me.  

But all she seems to feel is elation at getting away.

I pray to God that there is some hope that once her honeymoon period is over she'll actually start to think about the good times, maybe feel a little guilty and maybe wonder if it really has to be me or her.  

I'd just like the chance to show her she can have the life she now has and have her husband as well, if she can just wait while he sorts himself out. I so want to share in her new happy life.  

I wish she didn't feel that she could never look at me again.  

And if she's so happy, so well sorted, so wonderfully certain that she did the right thing then why is she scared to talk to me for fear of going back on her decision - which is what she has said to me?

God, all I want is some sign that she still oves me somewhere under all that.

Post edited at 4:34 pm on May 13, 2008 by britishguy

Moan moan moan... I know.

I was up again until nearly 5:00am. I slept until 12:00pm. I woke up and AGAIN all I can think about is what I want to say to Louise. It's so fucking hard because all I want to do is talk to her about things. I just want to show her that she doesn't have to give up her life to give me another chance.

I WANT TO PHONE HER. I JUST WANT TO RING HER UP AND ASK HER TO TALK. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO HER. SHE TALKS TO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FUCKING WORLD SO WHY CAN'T SHE TALK TO ME JUST FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR.

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING PHONE HER CONSTANTLY UNTIL SHE FUCKING REPLIES. Everyone says don't ring her, don't even send her an email BUT I NEED TO TALK TO HER. I NEED TO GET THIS FUCKING CHANCE. I NEED TO GET HER TO SAY SHE'LL AT LEAST CONSIDER ME AGAIN IF I SORT MY LIFE OUT.

I want to break everything in sight, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to run to her fucking office and drag her out, I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HER.

All I want is to get the chance I deserve as her husband to prove I am not beyond all hope. All I fucking want tis to show her she can have this fucking new life of hers and have me by her side without pulling her down.

But she won't listen to me and I just want to die.

She's made her fucking 'decision' and she's going to stick by it come hell or high water and of course her best friend Fiona thinks it's such a good choice. Just because sh'es a fucking divorcee she had to put the fucking idea in my wife's head that this was the only way to sort out the fucking problem.

Why the fuck can't people leave other folks' marriages ALONE? WHy the fuck couldn't Fiona talk to me? And I KNOW Fiona helped in this - she helped with the whole plan and Louise told me at Christmas that Fiona suggested leaving me. Just because she left her husband that doesn't mean everyone should fucking do it. Just because she didn't try counselling or anything that doesn't mean Louise shouldn't. But Louise is so easily influenced by people around her and now she's split up she's revelling in Fiona's bloody approval that she's done the right thing and FUCK GOES OUR MARRIAGE. FUCK THEM ALL.

ALL I FUCKING WANT IS TO TALK, TO SIT DOWN WITH A FUCKING COUNSELLOR AND TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT. SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO COME HOME. I JUST WANT THE CHANCE TO SIT AND TALK AND WORK THINGS OUT.  

THERE IS STILL HOPE AND SHE'S FUCKING GIVING UP ON ME WHILE THERE IS STILL HOPE.  

AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING TALK TO HER.

I CAN'T FUCKING COPE.

I JUST FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING DIE.

Every fucking day I wake up and my thoughts turn to what to say to Louise. What can I say to make her listen? What can I say that will make her take notice? What can I say that will make her wait for me? What can I say that will get her to give me this one last chance to change? What can I say to make things right? Every fucking day. Every fucking day.

I just want to get her to talk to me. I just want her to fucking sit down and discuss things. I just want to show her that this is NOT THE ONLY WAY. Why does she have to be so bloody STUPID? WHY can't she stop JUST FOR ONE SECOND and realise that THERE ARE OTHER WAYS? WHY can't she just see that I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE AWAY HER NEW LIFE - I just want the chance to show her that I can change and we can SHARE new lives.

I don't see what's clingy about wanting to ask for a chance. I don't see why it's pathetic and needy to ask for a chance. I am admitting I have to do this alone and I am just asking for the time in which to do it - what's needy about that?

I just don't want to lose her while I do it. I just want my wife to give a shit when I've done it.

AND IF SHE WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME THEN I JUST WANT GOD TO GIVE ME THE FUCKING GUTS TO DIE, TIANA.

TELL HIM TO GIVE ME THE FUCKING GUTS TO JUST FUCKING DIE AND STOP THIS FUCKING MISERABLE EXISTENCE.

She's happy. Fine. She never wants me back in her life. Fine. Then there's no point in mine.

Post edited at 4:35 pm on May 13, 2008 by britishguy

I was suicidal when I was 11. I always used to tell people here that they shouldn't contemplate it because I was now in Uni, had a great wife, and a home, and I would never have dreamt that could happen when I was 11. I used to say "you never know what could happen - there's always hope."  

But that's all gone now. I'm not at Uni any more and I have no job. I have a useless degree and a history of depression so no one wants to employ me. My wife has left me and now our home is just a place full of miserable memories of the things I once had.  

People say on the outside she may be happy and enjoying her new life but on the inside she's hurting r t least hiding something? Every email she sent she was talking about the "new improved" "happier, more relaxed" and healthier Louise. Everyone at work was telling her how much happier she looked.  

I spoke to her again today briefly. She said that it's not good enough that I only changed when she left.

In one respect that isn't true - because I had applied for the therapy before she left and planned to try and get work as the therapy progressed. In another respect it's not true because I tried hard in January even if I failed later, and she did not tell me how badly I was failing her.

If she didn't stand up and tell me how badly I was failing, why is it MY fault that I failed to act? She was as much to blame as me. She should have told me to get off my arse and get into therapy. She NEVER said that. She should have told me I needed to get a job and get some friends. She NEVER said that.

She thinks she "deserves better" - she deserves someone who would put in all the effort before she left and not after. I mean for fuck's sake, I have been ill and I couldn't change when she was here - it just wasn't possible. Her leaving was the only viable way to actually FORCE me to face my problems. If it's the only way it could have happened then it's the only way it could have happened. But Louise is above that sort of thing - she deserves someone perfect who gets it right first time don't you know.

I'm not good enough =(

I'm lonely, I have only two people that ring me every couple of days and one of them refuses to talk about Louise now. I feel so lonely and I spend so long crying.  

I didn't mean to be such an arsehole. I didn't mean to drive here away. I wish she'd stood up to me sooner and told me she would leave if I didn't pull my act together. I wish she'd stopped protecting me and made me sort myself out. But she says it's not good enough now.  

She sounds so calm when I speak to her on the phone. She sounds so determined and so in control. She calmly says there's no hope, she doesn't care if I change. She wants me to be happy, she wants me to get better for my own sake, but it's nothing to do with her any more. So calm. So in control. She's so happy in her new life without having to put up with me and my miserable depression every day. She says that it's not good enough that it took her leaving to get my arse into gear.  

But how many people have you heard say that they didn't know how much someone meant to them until they left, and then they finally got their life together and sorted themselves out and their partner came back to them? Sometimes that's the only way people learn - sometimes the only way to make someone appreciate what you mean to them is to leave them and teach them a lesson.  

Well I've learned my lesson. I am getting the help I need. I am trying to sort my life out, but she says it's not enough. We're married - it's never supposed to be too late. It's never supposed to be too late/ If I get off my arse and sort my life out then I'm supposed to get another chance - we're married. I'm sorry it took this to make me realise my mistakes. I'm sorry it took this to make me realise my problems, but the fact is I see them now, I see my problems and my mistakes and I want to make amends. But she says it's too late, and that seems so unfair.  

And I AM ILL. Can't she understand that? She doesn't mention that when she's telling her friends how lame I was. She doesn't mention that I am ILL. She acts like I did it just because I am a mean person. I'm not. Really. Mean people don't need medicating.

And you know what? She says she deserves better. She says all her friends have shown her how much more she is worth. BUT I TRIED DAMN HARD TO LOOK AFTER HER DESPITE BEING DEPRESSED. I really did. I tried damn hard to cook for her, bake for her, clean for her, look after her, hug her, hold her, read books for her to listen to on the way home form work when she was tired, and to be a husband to her. I knew I wasn't doing the things she needed - i knew I was neglecting her in many ways, but I TRIED BLOODY HARD to make up by showing her I loved her in all the ways I could. It's not like I never tried or never showed her I appreciated her or anything. I TRIED TO - I WASN'T A TOTALLY CRAP HUSBAND =(

I just want to talk to her about it but when I have phoned the most I've got is a couple of sentences and then she clams up and says she's not going to talk about it any more because she doesn't wan to discuss it. She goes so cold.  

And all I have is two people that ring me every couple of days, one of which won't let me talk about Louise any more.  

I'm so lonely, and I miss her so much and it hurts so much.  

I've lost 18lbs in 20 days.

Post edited at 5:20 pm on May 13, 2008 by britishguy

I will edit this one later.(promise) I don't have time at the moment because I'm about to be in between class periods.

I wanted to post a reply so that I remember, though.

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Antidisestablishmentarianism.