It got so bad today when I went to school. I was remembering my best friend who recently died at 18 from diabetes and I found out the class song was our favorite song from Wicked the musical that we went to go see for our birthday present. Then I was asked to write a newspaper column for my school paper on best memories with friends and I started crying. I just can't deal with this. It hit me like a bullet in the heart. Fast and fatal.

See, I havent been in school. I have been on home-bound for a while. I just got back and this was my second day. The pain of knowing he isn't physically here anymore, my best friend for 7 years is tearing me apart. I never knew what a broken heart felt like until now or that it really even existed.

I'm in therapy. I take medication. Still I am always depressed and anxious. I used to self medicate and cut myself to feel some relief. I burned myself a few times. I haven't done that in 6 months and all the sudden today I put a lit ciggarrette to my wrist. I didn't put the flame on my skin, but enough to burn, feel the pain. Now I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. Still, I have only slight red marks. I want more. It's like I need to see the pain outward.

If I miss 3 days of school then I get permanent home-bound and I want to graduate with my class. I'm a wreck though. I can't function. I don't have any idea what to do. My support feels so weak. And I have so much work to finish by the end of semester....literally a ton....I was supposed to have very little stress coming back to school and its horrible!! ahhh!!!

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"You may see her as a bright girl who is perfectly fine,
but inside she's crying and is dying of pain."