I want to lose weight. Really badly. It should be that simple, right? I want to, therefore I do.

And it's not like I'm one of those 14 year old already thin 100 pound girls either. I'm not exactly what you'd call "fat". I'm average. Which could be good enough, but isn't, because I didn't used to be, and I want that back.

But here's the thing. No matter how "easy" people claim weight loss to be, it's not. I'm not going to bitch about it being ridiculously hard, because it's just one of those things - if you want it bad enough, you will get it. That should be the end of the story, but...

It's all or nothing for me. Which is great, when it's all, but when it's nothing, it ruins everything I achieved when it was all. Nothing depletes all. All the weight I lost, healthily (no fad diets for me) over time, is gained back in a 6 month long binge period. And then I find myself here. I have gained it all back. And I want to lose it again, but I start wondering - what if I just gain that all back, and find myself here, again, over and over and over.

I don't know if I should totally throw myself back into this weight loss thing, again.

Whatever. Bottom line is, I have to lose weight, so I have to stop complaining. I've been going to the gym a couple of times this week, which I love, and I come back truly believing that I can fix this...and then I look in the mirror and feel totally helpless.

I know this was long, and must have been a bitch to read, but if anyone's been in my position before, or has advice, that'd be awesome. Thanks