from the time i was small up until the time i was a teen i was abused mentally and physically. i was born into a world where no one noticed me. no one cared. i believed this until someone explained to me different. in this lifetime we learn about sacrifices and survival. my story is that of which no person could imagine a child going through. i was a trouble child supposedly always getting in the way. my mother made sure i stayed on medication so i would "keep quiet". she sent me to facilities for many months at a time to keep me away. for every one of her divorces i was to blame, for every accusation or mistake, i was to blame. Not one day of peace. today I'm 16 emancipated and living on my own far away from her. when i was fifteen i was married. but i loved too like any other person before marriage.
We dream of carriages and fairies granting every wish, finding prince charming and living happily ever after. i got just that but i didn't have even one desire for my fixed marriage. my mom seemed to have a way to mess up everything. i had given my heart to someone she agreed to, and i fell in love. at some point i believed my mom realized she would lose control of me. She did everything possible to make him hate me, and he does to some extent. my mother filed for disability claiming i was violent and bi polar when i was a small child, she sent me away to spend the money by herself, without me interfering. starting from the time i was 9 yrs old she would send me to a facility for 4-7 months and bring me home one month, over and over again. i was never home not one time for birthdays or summer time and I'm not well educated, before she was able to send me to facilities i was kept in foster homes from the ages 3-5 and 7-9. and even before that she had found places to put me. i had visited my my aunt one time on her farm and she told me a story about how my mom asked her to "keep me some time" i was about a year old and i stayed with her until i was like 2 and a half she showed me pictures of me a my pet piggy named pumba. every body told me i was normal My mom so badly wanted me gone this time she didn't realize how much she was going to lose. and i couldn't have fathomed at the time what sacrifice that i was about to make. she offered to marry me with a man in exchange to be emancipated and she trying hard to break my engagement. in other words if i got married i would no longer be abused or in prisoned. at this time i was 15 and my mother had moved me around several places, she had just remarried and we moved the Oklahoma area from our home in south Dakota where i had been engaged to someone else. she said very weird things whenever i would spend time with her husband like "see my husband doesn't even want because of you" or "now he wants you not me" i didn't understand why my mom was talking those things, and on my side i was just looking for a dad. i had never had a dad growing up he was an alcoholic and he didn't like me. but i agreed to marry so i could be free. no one understood my decision everyone criticized me. now the world that i had imagined so colorful seems so empty. although i find many things to keep me entertained nothing keeps the painful memories away. nothing can or will replace the person who showed me so much kindness. I never understood love until i met him. often i cry for hours at a time i mesmerize at what a happy life i could've had if only i would have suffered a few more years. everything i do brings regret. from the first day i married my husband until now i have never felt the kind of love that i felt for my previous. Its the kind of love that you cannot articulate to imagine. i wait for phone calls or emails. but i receive none. how can i explain my selfish decision? I am thankful to be alive only because of the freedom i have gained. Many people believe love cannot happen at such an age because we cannot possibly be mature enough to understand what is love. that is not true. i believe until this day that i have made the biggest mistake of my life. if i could go back in time i would've chosen him over this so called freedom anytime. i hate my husband i often think of ways out such as suicide. because divorce is not allowed in my family and i don't want to be like my mother. My heart is still his until my seven lives have passed. i will take him with me wherever i go. i will never feel sad or alone because i know that just the way i love him he loves me a hundred thousand times more that. from many thousand of miles i can hear a voice telling me there is still hope. its calling me, its telling me I'm getting closer to being with him again.
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