ODD stands for:
Oppositional Defiant Disorder

It hit me instantly. This made perfect sense. I was ODD. Everything about my entire life was henceforth explained. Everything I know could be rationally explained with a disorder.

I am a failure. I have failed at school since the 3rd grade. I've always thought it was just because I was lazy, but no. I did it to piss everyone off. I wanted my mom to be below me, I refuse to take orders from her. I misbehave at school, because I'd be damned if I took orders from that bitch with the marker. I 'swear' in gaming servers that don't allow swearing- Fuck the Admins and their slash commands (I could always find a new server).

The thing that gets me, though, is that I have found out why I am such an arrogant horrible asshole. Shouldn't I try to fix it? I don't want to, though. I don't want to change who I am. How would I go about doing that, anyways? Would you change who you are if you knew what gave you negative personality traits?

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I'm not opposed to wiping my ass with my jizz rag.

My wife left me just over a week ago. You know why? Because I've been an arsehole. I have controlled her life more and more because I've been depressed and scared. I've spent most of my life fighting for or against things from childhood abuse to bullying and her family hating my guts. Then we ran away and got married and I found this safe little place where I could hide when things started getting tough. And that's what I did. And in the process of trying to keep my safe little hiding place I acted like an arsehole to the one person I ever truly loved and the one person who loved me back.

At Christmas she told me how unhappy she was. I made lots of changes for her. I even thought about therapy. I didn't ask for any thought. In fact it wasn't until MARCH that I asked my doctor for therapy. I got an appointment for April 29th and you know what I was saying around April 15th onwards? I don't know if I want to go after all.

Now why do you think I said a fucking stupid thing like that? Because, as I told her, I didn't know if I wanted changing. I thought maybe this is just the way I am and I didn't know if I wanted someone to change that. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe this is just me and people should just learn to live with it. Maybe I don't want to fucking change or have my head fixed. If I do then I'm going to come out of this a different person and surely I'm just going to be a clone of everyone else - another good obedient member of society with a job and all the rest. I won't be me any more. I may be an arsehole, but maybe that's what I am.

Now that was a stupid fucking thing to think. You know why? Because she left me. Because I wasn't willing to get off my arse and actually make myself a better person to live with. Because other people have feelings too and if you ever want any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone - friends or family - you have to learn to accommodate them as much as they do you.

How much do you think the people around you accommodate your attitude? My wife accommodated mine like there was no tomorrow. She selflessly put up with my controlling behaviour, my distrust and my selfish depression like there was no end to her generosity. But there was an end to it and she reached that point a little over a week ago.

That's you if you don't change. People will only give you so much slack before they get sick of you not doing the same. People will tolerate you - they will accommodate you, they will try to make way for you, but sooner or later they will get sick and tired of doing it and they will expect a little of the same from you. Why should they be the only ones to make an effort?

That's why you should change. People can and do change all over the world every day. Just because you change your behaviour that doesn't mean you are changing the person inside. Just because you make yourself easier to live with, easier to love, easier to make friends with, that doesn't mean that you are somehow no longer you.

You don't have to become like everyone else in society, but you do have to become someone that other people can relate to and understand, and someone they can tolerate and work around.

Unless that is you want to end up alone with no one to blame but yourself - see how satisfied that makes you with your life.

So learn from my mistake and do something now before you fuck up your life.

Basically, what I'm saying is you have to ask yourself "how much is this behaviour worth to me"?