I loved the Computer Diagnosis one!

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While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"


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Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swimnaked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they
faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my
Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo", She said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'
words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT."


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use
your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?

"The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins! gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,

Old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later.

The young rooster takes off running after him. They round the Front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? .
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
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