Last night, i let it show. I don't know how it happened, at all.

This is so horrible. But yet it's good. Because now my Dad see's how fucked up i really am.

I became severely depressed last night when driving home from a friends house. I blacked up while driving, and ended up hitting a light pole in the walmart parking lot.

I then, apparently, sent a series of text messages, in way horrible grammar, barely understandable, to my best friend. Here's what they said, exactly as i typed them out on my phone (i'm looking through my outbox, these will go in sequence of first, second, third, etc.)

1.) I'll always love amanda. I don't know what to do. I cant. Fuck dude. I. I dnt know. I love her so much.

2.) Its fucking bs. I shouldnt lover her. The only reason i want to date gabby or sarah is so i can hopefully forget bout amanda. i fucking hate this so much. No one knows or understands. Fucking shit. Shes prolly in bed w him now. He gets to hold her. kiss her. I hate this. I cant live like this. Just fucking end it. I pray i dnt wake up every night. I cant stand thinking of her. Fucking i want to get in a bad accident. This is fucking bullshit.

3.) U dont know man. Im so depresed. Im weak rite now. Can barly text. Cant hold head up. Im done man. I hate that people care bout me. I waxt ty die i want to die. I want tmdn fuckchng die. Cant hold my phone. Baretky txt.

4.) Its werd. I can picture my suicide. I watched a grl hang herself. I can c my bdy there. I can c my bdy there. But i cant go threw w it. Im to big of a fucking puss.

LAST ONE

5.) But i cant talk bout it w any one.i have this whole other me. That no one sees. Im severly depressed josh. Severely. I fall asleep thinking of ways to die. Josh no one knows this. U know when u ask me if 'u ok man?' and i say ya, just tired? Im not ok. If i ever look sad or anything thats y. Because im severly depresed and suicidal. Thats what i spend my time thinking about josh.

This is scary. It's scary because i told him this. It's scary because it's all true. I, in my right mind, would NEVER tell ANYONE about this other me.

Goddamn.

I think i'm getting worse.

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Im a front porch sittin, guitar pickin, moonshine sippin,

baccer chew spittin, COUNTRY BOY FROM THE WOODS.

I've talked to you about everything, I'm quite sad you didn't come to me. But, I understand, and I'll do my best to do it publicly without revealing too much about yourself...

You are obviously (and have been) going through a really hard time. Obviously, for just reason. I can't suggest that you get help, because I know what you have available. I can't tell you to talk to your parents, because I know you can't do that. At this point, talk to a teacher. I know you *might* have graduated, but I hope you haven't yet. If you have graduated, its okay to talk to a teacher outside of school. Talk to a teacher you had a connection with; make them promise that that conversation is only between you and that teacher.

Okay, thats done. Now, this whole text message thing. Its a big deal man. You have crossed the "line" between keeping things do yourself, and telling people things. That is a good thing! Take advantage of it! Tell your friend how you are feeling! It is amazing to get things out, even if it is only to one friend.

The whole deal with Amanda isn't something I remember. I remember us talking about her, but not exactly the situation. So, post it on "our" forum if you can, so we can talk about it in more detail...please?

The part that you watched a girl hang her self, and you saw yourself as part of that is quite disturbing, and I think you get that. That is why you need to talk to friends, and get out there. You can't fall into a suicidal state man, you really can't.

I don't blame you at all for being scared. Its..natural. Just, get out there. Hang out with those girls that you talked about, and have a good time. Having fun gets you out of depression, and the more fun you have, the less time you can think about how your life is.

Again, Chuck. Talk to me man. Don't be embarrassed, you know me..

-Alex

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George Carlin FTW