Now.. to get to the point why I'm making this topic. I'm not entirely stable in my mind and it hurts me. And I cannot talk to anybody about it, because they either care about me, so I end up hurting them by these things. Or they do not know me and they come over as not giving a shit about me. I've tried asking for help on here multiple times and it all failed. I've tried directly talking to support leaders and it failed. I've tried eHelp multiple times and the best I got was a "I don't know what to say".

Now, here's my problem and I know that none of you even have anything supportive to say, so excuse me if I'm not going to reply to it.

A while ago I ended up hurting people I care a whole lot about because I was not in control of my hormones and feelings. I ended up cutting to take it out on myself, nearly resulting in my own death. I stopped cutting, but I haven't forgiven myself since.

And all I can think off at times like this, right now, is ways to mutilate and hurt myself beyond repair. There are literally thoughts going around my head of how I could somehow *censored out* And at this point I'd give anything to be able to grab hold to that thought and embrace it.

Even some fuck-up from a city nearby threatened that Al Quada would drop a nuclear bomb on it. And if it wasn't for the fact that I know that if I'd die, the few friends I have would be very hurt from it, I'd *censored out*

And I'm sayng that with all honesty. I absolutely hate myself.. and maybe that's part of what spurrs my hatred towards other things. But it's only at times like these, when I feel myself less than perfect and/or vulnerable that I think the only thing I deserve is a slow and immensly brutal death.. one which I'd be actually willing to pay for at the moment.

But at other times I know that I could overcome it if I could put those things that I keep blaming myself for and throwing at myself away. Like the constant loneliness that's tearing me apart inside. But the fear that I may end up falling for a nationalistic two-faced girl who'd fuck me over or actually find a reason worthwhile to stay in this country is keeping me from actually trying to give it a chance. I tried before, but I keep withholding myself.

And I know in my heart that it would never happen and so it just needs the slightest trigger to flare up again and there starts the anger for myself again. I seriously doubt I could ever come to terms with myself in this state and I cannot go to see a doctor, because they only fuck you up worse. Don't get me started on that. And I fear that it's only a matter of time before I actually follow these thoughts and be covered under grass....

I don't know why I just wrote this down.. it's not like anybody is actually going to read this all..

Post edited at 7:12 pm on April 23, 2008 by Anonymous