Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You!...Off my planet!

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

And which dwarf are you?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like a  people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces.

May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

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I quote John Lennon,
"I don't believe in the Beatles, I just believe in me."

enough said.

i especially liked the all men aren't annoying some are dead.  even though its insulting to my gender its hilarious...and true

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Would you ask Picasso to sell his guitars?