For short version, see italic part... First off, I still don't know why I post this. Maybe out of hope Shortie will read it and realize how much she means for me. Or maybe because I'm searching for an answer to get my problems away. Or because I want to see what people think about it. I honest to God don't know... but here goes...
The few people who know I am naturally are the ones I hurt my following what I believed was right. Though words cannot captivate the pain I caused and erase it, nor make you understand, it gives me a way to express how I feel.
When you're raised with agression and pain stumbling in every chance they get, your mind can become fragile. People can manipulate it, like they did when I first went to Greece.
I was still pretty new to alcohol and a girl who I hang out with was used to it. I was there with my father and brother. One night, she knocked on our door and took off with me into town. We consumed alcohol and we felt like we could take on the world. We did stupid shit, like running chicken with cars in the dark. But we kept drinking.
I was so far gone with the alcohol that I could have mistaken a paper bag for the tower of pisa. She was merely tipsy. What I remember is her making me feel horny and feeling me safe. Before I knew it, alcohol took my virginity... and I've regretted it ever since. I lost my virginity during my first date with a one-night stand on a vacation love under influence of booze.
The girls I pursued afterwards were nothing but surfaced sea-weed for a while. They acted like I was a God because I could draw for a bit. Yet, none of them really had a personality. Against better judgement it became my picture of girls.
Then came high school... With a girl who took that prejudice away. She had a personality and made a move on me. I was shy and suprised that my stereotype was wrong. But I was so afraid of telling her how I felt that I hid it.
Through sources I found out her e-mail address and started communicating with her. While becoming an anti-social person on the surface. During a certain gym class we played volleyball, which was her favorite sport.
The teacher made the teams and I got picked in a team with her. To my pleasement. It was very simple with the tactic we did. She had volleyball as her hobby, so I passed all the balls to her so she could smash and score points. No game was lost. I felt like she was my world.
We had a multi-cultural day one day at school. And I signed up to learn how to rap. Over a beat of Mobb Deep and lyrics already created by the teacher. I remember it so well. That afternoon I got on this little podium and I started talking my way out loud, thinking I was rapping. In my eyes I did it for her. I kept making eye-contact and smiling. I felt perfect, yet humble... I felt like I was silver...
I wanted to be hers so badly, but I became scared of what she might say of who I was. I prevented those emotions and send her more messages through various sources. Through teachers, e-mails, hacks in our school system. You name it.
There were like eight guys in our class and she mentioned every one's name towards me and asked if was him, including my own name. I said I wasn't him. I said I wasn't me. Her three best friends jumped into a conversation over MSN messenger and said that I hurt her, but they were amazed with how much I knew. Which didn't came from school.
To make it up I stopped at our market and baught her this neckless. I hid it while I was at school, but tried to make eye-contact with her. I knew she was suspecting me for being her secret admirer, so to say.
When I got home, I made the neckless even nicer. I made it water-resistent and so clean that it sparkled away. I enclosed it in this envelope with a letter and a small note for one of her closest teachers to give it to her when she saw her.
I was sitting on a table while the teacher walked past me towards her. She opened it, and from the corner of my eye I saw her lighting up. She was bragging about it to her friends and was as happy as possible.
She ran over towards me and asked me if I send her that. In her eyes I saw that she would love me, but because of my scaredness of what others may think, I said I didn't do it...
That day after school, she had practice, but her friends jumped in the e-mail addy I set up and signed onto MSN. They told me how she loved the present and how the mood indestructable. Though they did wonder who I was.
When she got back, we talked and I finally told her that it was me that send her that. She wanted to go on a date with me, but I wasn't looking well enough and I said that we'd think about it. She said that she'd see me at school the next day.
It didn't happen, because people in the class couldn't understand how much I cared about her and they made fun of me. I got ashamed and hid my feelings again. I did not approach her.
The next days the people in my class settled down a bit with it and they even complimented me with some of the things I did for her. I felt better and tried flirting with her in our homework classes. She replied for a while, but stopped. I got depressed from it a lot, but I hid it again.
A few days later we went on a school trip to youngling's home in the east of my country. For history and such we had to do assignments in the nature around it. One night, I went to bed early, after flirting a bit with her. I remember waking up at some point with one of her best friend's lips on mine and as soon as she realized I was half awake, she told me to go sleep and that she'd take care of me.
Little did I knew then, that she raped me that night. Because I was sleepy, I didn't wonder why she was so close to my lips, nor why I felt breezy for a bit on my body.
Once we got back, the girl who I was pursueing, turned me down. She knew about what happened, because she was fighting with her friend. But didn't want to explain what happened. Neither of the two did.
I felt devestated so badly that I thought my life may as well be over. Girls didn't took much interest in me, school wasn't working out and I had nobody that really knew me.
Not even my father and mother. My parents were divorced and we all hid. Me behind the computer as well as my mum and brother. My father hid in his work. He still does partially.
One night I was looking over the internet searching for a reason to still live. Then I found this site. I posted my problems and thank god a certain girl her from all the way in Pennsylvanie talked to me. If she didn't, the knife that was laying next to my monitor would have sliced my wrists and veins. And nobody would care..
The American girl, known to me then as Shortie, kept me breathing, but helped me with my problems as well. I became affectionate to other girls again and I started flirting for a bit again. Still heartbroken though and we were trying to do good things. Like making a support team for the moderators at the time. We called it Capital Punishment...
I listened to a lot of rap music at the time and I went to another forum as well. The online Eminem forum, the official one. There I met another girl, who I chat with the entire evening. Her screenname was Colacoca2.
Through the next time, I talked with both of them more and more. I found myself the two closest friends I could ever ask for... yet I fell in love with both of them. As time went on, rap became a bigger part of my life.
Untill I had to devide my time between music and two loves. I choose to go the most for Shortie, the girl I met on here. Because I talked to her more and she understood my history better. I tried to hide my feelings for Colacoca as I didn't want it intervering, to not give either of them false hope.
There were days that my feelings for Colacoca poked through a little, but I hid them back. I wanted to go for Shortie with everything I was. I wanted to leave my family, just to be with hers.
She understood it and told me she'd wait for me for as long as I needed. I did everything to cut ties here in Holland. I lost touch with most members of my family, to not miss them, I never cared for my country anyways, so I wanted to be here never again.
Yet me being scared of it not working out played a big factor. I was so terrified that it would end like my first vacation or the girl who I almost killed myself over. I was so afraid of not treating her properly. The fear got to me so badly that I didn't go to her.
She moved on to another guy because she couldn't wait no longer. I cannot blame her for that. It would be selffish. She has feelings too, and I couldn't take care of her physically. They grew closer, but we kept on chatting.
The same happened between me and Colacoca. I threw myself more on music and kept her as one of my closest pals. If there was anything I couldn't tell to Shortie, I could to Colacoca. If there was anything I couldn't tell to Colacoca, I told Shortie.
Then came in my mother's new boyfriend. He was first a guy who helped us redo our house and get our lives back in touch. But he was more to me, he was a buddy who I could tell anything and even about my mixed feelings. I couldn't tell neither Colacoca nor Shortie... because of fear to their possible reaction.
My mother and her new boyfriend grew closer and closer. He became the fatherfigure the family I live in missed. He made us complete. We grew so much.
Then came newyears eve of 2006. We ran outside with lifeflares and launched some around the enviroment. One probably got near my high school crush's home and one went nearly in the police station. My brother and the kid next door were doing smaller fireworks. Me and him were on our small door opening drinking bacardi/cola and champagne, while lighting their pieces of rope for their fireworks.
When it got midnight, we were sitting inside. My first grandfather had passed away and our neighboor's long lost son had re-established contact. I made a toast... "To all those who we hold dear... even if they aren't here with us now". With my thoughts going to Shortie and my grandfather.
Then, we were outside again and my bro and his friend were running around. I had champagne in my glass and so did my mum's boyfriend. I made a toast with him alone... A toast to Shortie's happiness... and one for me being rid of my high-school crush. It was the last time I got drunk, by the way.
Just recently, I quit school. To find what kind of job I like, I used as an excuse. I worked my ass off and my feet to ruines to get enough cash for a plane ticket. One towards Shortie.
It braught me towards her in august this year. The start of it. I flew from Amsterdam to London, to Chicago. A flight which was long. Upon ariving in Chicago, my flight to Pittsburgh got altered. I didn't knew how the airport was like, so I called Shortie. I had it all in my mind of how I was gonna say it.
The moment I heard her voice though... I just molted. I couldn't say anything anymore and the airport personel were looking as to "why the hell is he so happy". After the phone call I waited for my plane. They send it the wrong way with the wrong passengers, so it got retoured.
I flew in this small American Eagle charter. It felt like a dream, finally going to Shortie. As it was dark outside, the illuminated cities and the water were beautifull to me. I was so damn giddy and I was talking the ears off to the guy who was sitting next to me. I actually needed to chew on ice-cubes to cool down, though.
When we finally met, I felt so happy. It's like everything you wanted, has finally come true. It just felt so good, finally being with the girl you love and being able to hold her.
When we drove back towards her home, she was sleeping on my shoulder, and if it wasn't for my incapablity of not sleeping in a car, I would've slept as well. The music was so fitting to the moment. I wished it could never end, in fact, I also wanted the driver to make a few wrong turns so the trip took longer.
Though she already has a boyfriend, I felt like I was with the one when I got there. So many first things happened there and so many smiles were on my face. As suicidal as I once was, as happy as she made me. Even if it were the small things, of me waking up in the midst of the night, with her laying against my chest. I've never felt save so much as I did with her laying there next with me.
Nothing could touch me. I felt like I was ready to die. But in a good way. Like all the good things in live happened at once and nothing could improve it. Her boyfriend accept her sleeping with me... (just sleeping) made it even better.
I could sit there for hours, rubbing her back or just watching over her as she slept. You could stab my heart and it would still be beating, if only to see her smile.
But like the story of my life goes, my feelings caused problems again. It got to the point that she needed to back away from me by her own choice, to not be stuck in a difficult situation.
I said I understood it, though a feeling grew for a while while I was there in the evenings, that made me feel like she only said that she loved me just to keep me breathing.
Even though we were all getting along quite better now most of the times, I felt like crying night after night. But everytime I saw her in the morning, with such a happiness in her eyes, I couldn't do it telling her it.
One night I told her in an e-mail, because it needed to be put away. I told her as good as I could that I still love her.
I wanted to something really special for her, if only to hear her say that she loved me for it. I ain't much of a cook, but I tried to make her breakfast.
One day she woke up and breakfast didn't happen, as ussuall, so I planned it for a diferent time of the day. At which time she got home with baught food.
I was kinda disappointed with it but I accepted it for a bit. Then more smaller things went wrong and I got real upset. I put my jacket on and threw the food I made out in the garbage can.
Then I got back inside to get my passport and my other glove. I wanted to burn my own passport on the roof, the only place she wouldn't go because of fear.
Her boyfriend couldn't stop me. I thought she couldn't neither. But she did. She talked sense back in me and showed me that she cared a lot about me. Though I broke down more at first and was crying, she patched me up again, so to say. Also showing proof to the fact of "things need to be shit at first, to become better".
It went better the nights thereafter and I had other fall that month with her. At which I inflicted self-injury. The reasons why, I will not explain. She went outside and soon as I came back with reality, I went outside. Fearing that she may have ran away. I saw her sitting on a streetcorner and went after her. Trying to make her feel better again. We had a little rendezvous with the local late-brigade, but I wanted to do anything to make her feel better again.
When she was safely back inside, laying with her boyfriend, I wanted to appologize. But she was too sleepy, so I wrote her a note asking to wake me up when she woke up. She didn't accepted the note at first, but did after convincing her of why the note was.
Things went better again and I did whatever I could to help her with the little things. Keeping her sane, as she told me. I really was, and still am, in love with her. I'd do anything for her.
The day I had to leave, I had to go part of the way on a shuttle to the airport. My flight got cancelled, I cried because I missed her, couldn't sleep. A lot of stuff, you know? Basically like being ripped away from happiness and tossed into abiss.
I realized, when I got in Holland after 72 of being awake and only thinking about being with her, that I wanted to be there for her, no matter what. I didn't want my emotions to ruin another relationship, like it did with every single one before Shortie.
So I explained it to her and also told her that even if I got with her in the first year, it wouldn't have worked out. I said that it wasn't because of a lack of motivation. But I didn't add to it that it was because my emotions have fucked up every relationship I had.
The night before, Colacoca (hypthetically, in her words) asked if me and her could go out on a date. She is a lot like Shortie and I love her a whole lot as well, plus knowing I needed somewhere to put my romantic and sexual feelings towards, without jeapordizing a loss of my best friend Shortie, I said we could. Cola knew that means if I have Shortie's approval. Because I want any girl that I'm with to be liked by Shortie.
That was friday two weeks ago. I ended up hurting Shortie, and because I got broken down because of it, I hurt Cola as well. Plus I had to work. The past days since then I've felt devestated beyond recognition and I've placed their happiness before mine. In my spare time, I tried fixing myself up again.
But because I cannot forgive myself for hurting them, I started letting my anger go directly into me. This means the fucked up things which I mentioned a few topics earlier. Me burning my back, freezing my ass off, working untill I collapse. Things like that.
Shortie's boyfriend had me pissed in a conversation recently and got some of my rage at him. I mentioned some things which I shouldn't have. And I feel sorry for it because now they both hurt thanks to my stupid emotions. He wanted to kill me. Hence certain other topics recently.
Right now, I feel even more like shit. I know Shortie's pissed off at me and maybe even stopped caring. Cola really wants to be with me, and loves me. She makes me feel safe, in a way only Shortie made me feel when we slept together.
I don't want to lose neither of them. If I don't have Shortie as a friend, my mind cannot deal with it. So much has been build up inside of me thanks to her. She braught order where I braught choas. She helped me deal with certain things in my past. Like me being raped, small time drug use, criminality, my high school crush.
If I lose her, I'll lose not only a girl I love. But I'll lose my best buddy, the voice that tells me it's all worth it. The smile that fixes nearly everything. I'll lose my best friend, who has stuck by my side for so many times. I don't want to lose her. I'd rather join the police and rat in my friends and be on my knees begging the girl who raped me to take me than see myself being without my best friend. If only as just a friend. And if you know me, you'd know I hate any established government and that my friends mean a lot to me. Plus that I want to the see the girl who raped me dead so badly. Shortie withkept me from it though. She convinced me that seeing her dead solves nothing.
I don't want to lose Cola neither. She's a good friend and the only girl in the whole world who I could ever be with, if not with Shortie. She took care of me, no matter who I was with. Seeing her happy means a great deal to me, and her telling me that I make her happy makes me happy as well.
Recently I've thought about suicide again... Cola told me she'd only wanted me, if I stopped willing to take my own life away. Because my living means a lot to both Cola, as well as Shortie.
Well, with Shortie... that's what I hope at least. I don't know lately. With the way I've hurt her. I just cannot forgive myself for that, you know what I'm saying. That's why I really hope to still have her as my friend. Even if it means I have to take medication to stop my testosteron from working. Thus to prevent horniness. I just don't want to lose my reason to live...
Just because that's laying with two girls, doesn't make it easier to live without.
Post edited at 2:41 pm on Oct. 26, 2006 by Tri argentum
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Angel, even though we're geographicly oceans aparts
Forever I know that you're the most closest in my heart
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Everyone's emotions are like that, also...I read that on the web the other day. 
