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lmao!! :D

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A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ``I`m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ``You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn`t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.``

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how`s Mom?" asked the man.

"She`s on the roof and won`t come down."

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit`s end as to what to do about their sons` behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy`s face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."


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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

54

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Join My LW Family! :D

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LMFAO!
Still funny as hell Dex!

54

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Thanks.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

good u see ya still posting these jokes man.

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the most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

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An Unfortunate Turn of Events

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking to her car one day, when a man jumped out in front of her and shot her three times, one in each child. She was rushed immediately to the hospital. The doctor told her that she and all three babies were going to be perfectly fine, but they couldn`t find the bullets. 13 years had passed since the awful incident. The oldest girl came running out of the bathroom crying. Her mother asked, "What`s wrong?" The girl replies, "I was going pee when a bullet came out!" The mother replies, "It`s okay. You will be fine." A week later, the second daughter comes running out of the bathroom, also crying. "What`s wrong?" the mother asks. "I was peeing when a bullet came out!" she said through heavy tears. "It`s okay. You will be fine. Another week had passed, when the youngest of the three, a boy, came running out of his room, crying. "Why are you crying, son? Did you pee out a bullet?" his mother asked him. "No." he said with tears streaming down his face. "I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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KEEP a copy of Love Actually or Mrs Doubtfire in your medicine cabinet at home. The last five minutes of these films can induce vomiting if toxic substances have accidentally been swallowed. (T Crone, Louth)

FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don`t sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet. (Macker)

PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn`t just looking up the answer on the Internet? (DNC, London)

I saw a few weeks ago that a man had been arrested trying to smuggle 2 kilograms of cocaine into the USA. Then last week I heard a man got arrested trying to smuggle 10 kilograms of cocaine out of the USA. I wish they`d make their minds up, do they want the stuff or not? (Pete T)

My teachers told me I would never make anything of myself if I sat staring into space during lessons. However, I had the last laugh as I am now the Astronomer Royal. (Martin Rees, Greenwich)

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked `What `C` would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?` to which I confidently replied `cunt`. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one`s family? (Noel, Leeds)

Tips:

Climb onto your neighbour`s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He`ll think his house is underwater.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don`t, because you can`t and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You`ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously `erased`.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

A next door neighbour`s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you`ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don`t know.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

Make your girlfriend cry when you`re having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I`m with Stupid" T-Shirt.

The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear

A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline`s C.E.O.

A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.

A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!