A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You`re beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You`re cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school`s play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who`s been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said "That`s good son. Maybe next time you`ll get a talking role!"

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door.

Dave, a poker buddy of her husband`s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered "I`ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That`s $50 a second!"

She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away.

When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked "Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?"

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they`re escaping!" cries the visitor. "You`ve got to stop them."

"Don`t worry, they`ll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o`clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn`t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don`t park here, I`ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

"I`ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don`t give you a ticket, I`ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years and years after its been eaten.

Its called wedding cake.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?`

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one`s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

I especially liked the one about the fourth grader and the last one.

A good way to end a tiring day.

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"The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all."

When you take a long time, you`re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he`s thorough.

When you don`t do it, you`re lazy. When your boss doesn`t do it, he`s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you`re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he`s only human.

When doing something without being told, you`re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that`s initiative.

When you take a stand, you`re being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he`s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you`re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he`s being original.

When you`re out of the office, you`re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he`s on business.

When you`re on a day off sick, you`re always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it`s because he`s overworked

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he`d purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn`t think your car would last longer than that."

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn`t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don`t feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married."

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

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Thanks for the new ones! :)

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