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Web Resources: Teen Pregnancy Facts, Abortion Facts
USA Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663
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( Dexus )
Enlightened One
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A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold
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( Dexus )
Enlightened One
Patron
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A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods the golfer?” “Yeah.” “Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks his wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “What are you doing?” she asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.” The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”
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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold
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yoursForeverxx
Visionary
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Teh best jokes are always seggsual.
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candygirl05
Soothsayer
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Great jokes Dexus 
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"We can't stop here, this is Bat Country!"
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( Dexus )
Enlightened One
Patron
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Thanks to carrot cake for this  Accident Report This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools." "You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel." "Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...
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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold
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( Dexus )
Enlightened One
Patron
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The Neighbors Baby Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded for the rest of the month. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!"
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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold
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( Dexus )
Enlightened One
Patron
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Cursing Fish One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?" The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!" "Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!" "Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" "Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?" "My lord, what language!" says the mother. "No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it" "Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it. "I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you f*#^ers are all right.".
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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold
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( Dexus )
Enlightened One
Patron
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Thanks to porcelain for this one The Redneck Letter Dear Billy joe Bob, I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Favorite Aunt
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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold
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tell me again
Enlightened One
Patron
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Hahaha i love this thread. *bump*
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( Dexus )
Enlightened One
Patron
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Results matter in heaven A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, church pastor for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!" Post edited at 10:25 am on Oct. 24, 2006 by Dexus
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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold
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