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Goto Google, Type in Failure, and Click on "I'm Feeling Lucky"  

Im really sorry for the lack of new jokes guys  

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Just post a picture of Megan *yawn*

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bam.

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Loving the joke thread, keep it going mate... hope you are feeling more cheerful today?

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Far from cheerful but Ill find some jokes.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm while all around you there's chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is stretched back smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile across his face. The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated.

The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

There was a country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do - and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"Now then," the preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.

If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The preacher anxiously awaited the arrival of his son, and soon he heard his footsteps as he came in the house whistling, and headed back to his room.

He deposited his books on the bed as a matter of routine and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He then picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

Finally, he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

Post edited at 10:45 am on Nov. 1, 2006 by Dexus

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Then she points to her right inner thigh—just as high up—and says, “On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel, and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the word ‘Christmas.’”

The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, “Lady, it’s none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that?”

“Well,” the lady said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

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Just post a picture of Megan *yawn*

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Actually telling her you said that would prove more hilarious, watching her tear you limb from limb, just imaging it makes me smile.    

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!