Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

(Got to love the old ones)

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you`re doing?"

"I`m a chiropractor, and I`m just keeping in practice while I`m waiting in line."

"Well, I`m a lawyer, but you don`t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn`t want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here`s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here`s the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That`s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there`s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.

"That`s impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you`d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don`t kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was `W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?`"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn`t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don`t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Will post more jokes soon!  

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

OH!  I heard a good one recently!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

...

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinairy blowjob!

haha ;)

-------
"The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all."

---

More jokes please?? <3

OH! I heard a good one recently!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

 
...

 
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinairy blowjob!

haha ;)

---

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I`ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, "I`ve got news for you young man - you`re going straight to hell!"

The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I`m on the wrong bus!"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

A: See you next month

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork `s hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, `Lets be avin` da fingers and I`ll see what oi can do`. Paddy said, `Oi haven`t got da fingers.` `Whadda ya mean you haven`t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin` Jesus, it`s 2009! We`s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn`t ya bring da fingers?!?` And Paddy said, `An how da fock was I `spose to pick them up????

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I`m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don`t see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I`m in the secret service."

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Read.

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!