A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"

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Whisper (ew)

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. From now on when you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, lean right over here and whisper in my ear."

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Death in the Holy Land

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold

A guy had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so he decided to go see his doctor.

The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass. I'll give you the first dose, and you can have your wife give you the second one this evening."

"Okay" The man replies "anything to relieve this pain".

He drops his pants, bends over and allows the doctor to do his job. Later that evening he tells his wife what the doctor said and asks her help with the second dose.

She tells him to bend over, puts one hand on his shoulder and prepares to insert the suppository.

All of the sudden the guy screams, "Oh My God!!"

"What's wrong?" asks his wife.

The man replies, "I just realized - he had both his hands on my shoulders!!"

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold

---

YAY!! Your back! i missed your jokes

---

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is

your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered,  "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, The boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"Yes,  " whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the
whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."


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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold

Good: You agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find the condoms
Ugly: Your daughter has them.

G: Your son spends a lot of time in his room.
B: You find porn movies under his bed.
U: Your in them.

G: Your husband follows the latest fashions.
B: He's a transvestite.
U: He looks better than you.

G: Your sons maturing.
B: He's inolved with the woman next door.
U: So are you.

G: You explain sex to your daughter.
B: She keeps interrupting.
U: And correcting you.

G: Your wife isn't talking to you.
B: She wants a divorce.
U: She's a lawyer.

G: Your son is dating someone new.
B: It's a man.
U: It's your best friend.

G: Your wife is pregnant.
B: It's triplets.
U: You had a vesectomy four years ago.

Post edited at 10:21 am on Oct. 24, 2006 by Dexus

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!" *

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold

A man was not really happy about his manhood... it was actually too long....... 50cm long. He did not know what to do and went to Sangoma to ask for advice. The Sangoma thought for a long time before she said:

"Walk into the forest and you will meet a frog. Ask the frog if it wants 2 marry you. If it says "no" your manhood will shrink by 10cm, but if it says "yes" it will grow by 10cm so the risk is yours."

The man thought about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk. He walked into the forest, found the frog and asked it: "Will you marry me little frog?" "No", said the frog. The man ran home and measured his manhood.

Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm. The man was so excited about the results, that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog again. "Will you marry me little frog?" "No", said the frog. The man ran home and measured his manhood. Again he found that it had shrunk 10cm down to 30cm. The man was thinking, "hmmm 20cm, now that would be the perfect size" and ran back into the forest. He met the frog again and asked him again "Will you marry me little frog?"

The frog answered him:

Man what is wrong with you? I already told you: NO! NO! NO!

Moral of the story be thankful for what you have.

----

More Jokes to come later!

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
World So Cold