Clearly, you've lost your trust in people. You've been hurt so many times that your faith in just... people has pretty much gone, yeah? I understand this, truly I do. Unfortunately, that's something too many people experience throughout their lifetimes. Hurt, disappointment and betrayal. You're not beyond help though, really you're not. You've been hurt in the past, I understand this, but the way these people who've hurt you have behaved certainly isn't a reflection of how everyone person in life is. It sounds like you've got a lot of hurt still to heal from, and that's ok. That can only happen in time, though. If you're "friends" have hurt you, then, not to be rude, why are you still friends with them? I know that breaking away from certain friends can be extremely difficult, and really quite scary, but if they're only adding to your hate and hurt then what good is it doing you being their friend?

How about trying to just start over, start everything fresh? Have you any family at all who haven't betrayed or hurt you? I'd like to hope that you haven't been hurt by absolutely EVERYONE in your life. However, regardless, I do think it'd be good for you to just try and start fresh. You've been hurt in horrible ways, yes, but would it be so bad to try and start over? Try meeting new people, start really going somewhere with your life? How possible would it be for you to do regular activities like joining clubs, working or doing volunteer work? These are "normal" activities, and you did mention that you're worried about feeling normal again. Well, I reckon that in order to do this, you should try doing things that give you routine and normality, y'know? A job can help, as can joining a club or whatever. Also, this way, you'll also be socialising and meeting new people, thus allowing you to see that not everyone in the world is out to hurt you.

Really though, there's not much I can tell you. I can try over and over to tell you that not everyone will hurt you, but I know you won't ever believe that until you start experiencing these things yourself. In order to do this, you've got to leave yourself open a bit. I understand that there's a possibility you might get hurt again - but that's a risk we ALL have to take in life. It's the only way we can keep going. We take risks. Sometimes we get hurt, but we pick ourselves up and we move on.  It's entirely your option.  Think about it this way - no one is expecting you to go out there and trust every person you meet. No one is expecting you to forgive everyone who's hurt you right away (although, eventually, this IS something I think you'll have do to). To put it simply, I think all you need to start with is accepting that life isn't completely full of people who will hurt you. Accept that there ARE good people out there, and in your whole life, you're going to meet some of those good people. If you've shut yourself off though, well, you'll miss all those opportunities.

Can I ask how old you are? I'm just curious, more than anything else.

The one thing I really feel for you with is that you have to see the people who've hurt you every single day. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you, and I really am sorry for that. I understand that it must bring back all sorts of painful memories, so I completely understand why you're finding it difficult to move on in several areas of your life. Is it your friends you have to see daily? Or are there more people who have hurt and betrayed you? And, if so, can I ask who these people are and how they've hurt you? It just might help me, and others, help you. I do want to say more about that, but it's hard in not knowing what really happened.

From what I can see, you're caught up in this whirlwind of anger and negativity, and you're not seeing a way out at the moment. However, I do think it's vital that you start looking for a way out of all of this. What are your goals and aspirations in life? What do you like and enjoy doing in life? These things can be your salvation, if you'll let them be.

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it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces.

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Firstly - I'm sorry that life's given you a pretty shit time this far. Really I am. Some people experience so much bad stuff, and no one can really understand why, right? It's awful. However, it does not mean that the rest of your life can't be better, or that there won't be people there in the future who will make you feel safe and never hurt you to this extent, or that you can't experience life without all this anger. I believe that it's entirely possible for you to get through this, but it IS going to take a lot of time, work, effort, and, above all, the belief that you CAN get through this. I get the distinct impression in all of your posts that you've basically given up hope. You don't believe life can get better, you don't believe there are people out there who won't hurt you and even worse, you won't LET yourself believe it. You're honestly not going to get very far if you don't believe that you can get anywhere. I completely understand that you can't just have positive thinking straight away, these things take time and a lot of effort, but I think it's really essential that you try thinking more positively. You can shut yourself off to the word if you like, OR you can make that conscious decision to give people in the future a chance. I'm not saying you have to trust every single person you meet, not at all, but I AM saying that as you get to know people in the future, don't judge them to hastily. Not everyone is a liar, not everyone will betray or hurt you. Honestly.

Clearly, you've lost your trust in people. You've been hurt so many times that your faith in just... people has pretty much gone, yeah? I understand this, truly I do. Unfortunately, that's something too many people experience throughout their lifetimes. Hurt, disappointment and betrayal. You're not beyond help though, really you're not. You've been hurt in the past, I understand this, but the way these people who've hurt you have behaved certainly isn't a reflection of how everyone person in life is. It sounds like you've got a lot of hurt still to heal from, and that's ok. That can only happen in time, though. If you're "friends" have hurt you, then, not to be rude, why are you still friends with them? I know that breaking away from certain friends can be extremely difficult, and really quite scary, but if they're only adding to your hate and hurt then what good is it doing you being their friend?

How about trying to just start over, start everything fresh? Have you any family at all who haven't betrayed or hurt you? I'd like to hope that you haven't been hurt by absolutely EVERYONE in your life. However, regardless, I do think it'd be good for you to just try and start fresh. You've been hurt in horrible ways, yes, but would it be so bad to try and start over? Try meeting new people, start really going somewhere with your life? How possible would it be for you to do regular activities like joining clubs, working or doing volunteer work? These are "normal" activities, and you did mention that you're worried about feeling normal again. Well, I reckon that in order to do this, you should try doing things that give you routine and normality, y'know? A job can help, as can joining a club or whatever. Also, this way, you'll also be socialising and meeting new people, thus allowing you to see that not everyone in the world is out to hurt you.

Really though, there's not much I can tell you. I can try over and over to tell you that not everyone will hurt you, but I know you won't ever believe that until you start experiencing these things yourself. In order to do this, you've got to leave yourself open a bit. I understand that there's a possibility you might get hurt again - but that's a risk we ALL have to take in life. It's the only way we can keep going. We take risks. Sometimes we get hurt, but we pick ourselves up and we move on.  It's entirely your option.  Think about it this way - no one is expecting you to go out there and trust every person you meet. No one is expecting you to forgive everyone who's hurt you right away (although, eventually, this IS something I think you'll have do to). To put it simply, I think all you need to start with is accepting that life isn't completely full of people who will hurt you. Accept that there ARE good people out there, and in your whole life, you're going to meet some of those good people. If you've shut yourself off though, well, you'll miss all those opportunities.

Can I ask how old you are? I'm just curious, more than anything else.

The one thing I really feel for you with is that you have to see the people who've hurt you every single day. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you, and I really am sorry for that. I understand that it must bring back all sorts of painful memories, so I completely understand why you're finding it difficult to move on in several areas of your life. Is it your friends you have to see daily? Or are there more people who have hurt and betrayed you? And, if so, can I ask who these people are and how they've hurt you? It just might help me, and others, help you. I do want to say more about that, but it's hard in not knowing what really happened.  

From what I can see, you're caught up in this whirlwind of anger and negativity, and you're not seeing a way out at the moment. However, I do think it's vital that you start looking for a way out of all of this. What are your goals and aspirations in life? What do you like and enjoy doing in life? These things can be your salvation, if you'll let them be.

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my answers to some of your questions.

first off, yes everyone in my life has betrayed me at some point or another up to this point.
then, about starting over, I'm trying every day to do so, but as you can see from my posts, its not working.
...I almost can't wait to get of this preparatory school (high school) and meet these new people, maybe they'll be better, who knows. But I'll never reach that point if I go through with suicide, which might happen when I hit an intense low point..sooner or later..., and no one will be there  to talk, help me feel better, nothing and I will die by my own hands.

Who these people are? It doesn't matter who they are, they don't deserve the slightest recognition for their actions against me.

What do I like doing? I like fashion. Absolutely love shopping. These things have helped, but the pain from their betrayal and their using me overtakes what little joy I get from fashion and shopping.

I'm still trying to find a way out....

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Love is all I ever really want out of life.

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first off, yes everyone in my life has betrayed me at some point or another up to this point.
then, about starting over, I'm trying every day to do so, but as you can see from my posts, its not working.

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The important thing is that you are trying, right? That's a really positive and encouraging thing, which I hope you can recognise? Sure, you might not be feeling 100% better right away and you still might be struggling, but you ARE trying which is better than absolutely nothing. You don't get anywhere if you don't try, right? Please don't give up hope, yeah? It's really, really awful that you feel that everyone in your life has betrayed you somehow up until this point, but as I mentioned before, their actions aren't a reflection of how everyone you come across in life will be. You will experience hurt and betrayal again, no doubt - we all do, unfortunately - but as you get out into the world you meet more and more people, and gradually begin to build solid and strong friendships. It takes a lot of hard time and work, and a lot of loneliness, perhaps, along the way, but it IS possible for you to to trust people again.

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...I almost can't wait to get of this preparatory school (high school) and meet these new people, maybe they'll be better, who knows. But I'll never reach that point if I go through with suicide, which might happen when I hit an intense low point..sooner or later..., and no one will be there  to talk, help me feel better, nothing and I will die by my own hands.

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Is there anything at all that helps you when you hit these intense low points? Getting out of your house, away from anywhere that brings back memories of betrayal or hurt or anything like that? It really is so sad to hear that you don't think anyone where you are will listen to you, so all I ask is that you please, please keep trying. Keep plodding on. Why? Well, for the day you do get out of highschool and start moving on with your life. For the hopes and beliefs of the possibilities that lie outside school - college, if that's what you want, work, your own home, and maybe, just maybe, the possibility of meeting good people. You have control over your life, sure, but you can also make the decision to stick it out. In the hope that it might just get better one day. You're not going to be stuck in this rut forever, you're not going to be stuck in highschool forever. Eventually you'll be out of there, living where you want and, hopefully, doing what you want. Isn't that something to look forward to?

Do you know what I honestly think? You mentioned that you're still looking for a way out. Well, honestly, I don't think looking for a way out or trying to escape all the pain you're feeling is going to help you. At all. It hasn't so far, has it? I honestly believe that you have to deal with all of this head on. Not right away, if you don't feel that you could do so right now, but eventually. Eventually you'll have to think about everything that's happened in your past, face it, confront it, think about it, accept it happened and forgive the people who hurt you. That's one way to get rid of this anger and really start moving on with your life. It helped me enormously, and I know it's helped others. You don't have to do that if you don't want, but I have a feeling that if you keep trying to run and hide from it all - not actually facing it - then you're future is going to be filled with this anger and bitterness.

It's up to you. You don't have to do that right away or whatever, but eventually I DO think you'll have to face up to whatever has happened and try forgiving those who have hurt you. Yes, I understand how incredibly difficult it is, but holding onto your anger and bitterness is only causing you more pain, I believe. You also mentioned that the anger is the only thing keeping you alive at the minute, but I don't think that's perhaps quite so true. Perhaps you're just so overwhelmed with anger that you don't recognise any other feelings you DO have, or you're focusing so much on the anger that you're not letting yourself feel any more. I don't know. You know yourself better than I do, of course, and these are just my musings and insights to what I've read from you.

All I can ask is that you keep plodding on. In the hope that life CAN get better. And when no one else will listen to you or you need to rant and rave but you've nowhere to do it in "real life" then you can always, always come here. Feel free to PM me absolutely any time, too, yeah? Take care of yourself.

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it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces.