Self-destructive behavior:
I have become a bit of a self-destructive person. I am in a selective college, and will be at an even more selective university (when and if financial stuff clears up) by this fall. I got pretty good grades and SAT scores and did a lot of extracurricular stuff in high school, so lack of capability is not the issue. I have so much work to do, yet, I avoid it, I do it foolishly and last-minute, often partially, or I don't do it at all. I'm behind on readings, essays, simple responses to readings, and even though I should be working in a more focused and quick way, I am not, and I don't know why. It's really sad because everything I have done to this point tells me I am capable of the work, but now that I am not putting the work in, my grades are slipping, and my GPA for the year will not reflect my potential. It's so, so sad that I see this problem but cannot fix it and I pride myself (or at least I used to pride myself) on being a hardworking, intelligent guy.

My self-destructive behavior is not just limited to my academic life, but also to my health. I could really stand to lose fifteen to twenty pounds, and I have gained 13 pounds this year. I know how to lose weight because I weighed more than I did now three years ago and got into a healthy lifestyle that paid off. But now I binge a lot, don't drink enough water and don't work out when I should, and summer (when I would like to be able to go bare above the waist without feeling insecure) is rapidly approaching.

Negative overactive imagination:
I make up scenarios in my head about negative events; this happens quite a bit. Sometimes I'm walking on campus alone and I just imagine little storylines. For example, my whole family dies, I have a multi-person funeral/concert with a certain musician playing an emotional song, and then I get adopted by a richer family or I move out on my own, or,...or,,...and it goes on and on. Sometimes I just imagine a police officer or government agent coming into my literature classroom to tell me my father has died or has been kidnapped or is actually a terrorist. And sometimes, I imagine that my father has killed my mother, and that my life has been screwed up as a result, or that my siblings only have died and my mother has gone mad because of it while my father is happy about it all. Isn't this horrible? When I'm with others, they would never realize this, because I only outwardly show these emotions when I am alone.

I'm so fucking nutty! It's the worst thing to know you have problems and to want to fix them but to trapped. And scarier still is the notion that because my manner of self-reflection, like my other mental patterns, is a product of my environment and my history, that I might not really be able to break out of my bad habits even though I can see them (precisely because they are also part of myself and products of my environment and history).

I just want to be a better person.

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Every lifeline leads its own way to the heavens.

As for your "visions," all I can recommend is that you keep yourself busy. An overactive imagination is usually the product of boredom. Do you see yourself as being a boring person these days? If so, why not start doing something new or meeting new people? Keep life interesting and exciting and figure out what you love doing. It might be frightening to watch your mind act this way sometimes but I think that you are just focusing on it too much and not living your life.

Anyways, I hope this helps!

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I have so much work to do, yet, I avoid it, I do it foolishly and last-minute, often partially, or I don't do it at all. I'm behind on readings, essays, simple responses to readings, and even though I should be working in a more focused and quick way, I am not, and I don't know why. It's really sad because everything I have done to this point tells me I am capable of the work, but now that I am not putting the work in, my grades are slipping, and my GPA for the year will not reflect my potential. It's so, so sad that I see this problem but cannot fix it and I pride myself (or at least I used to pride myself) on being a hardworking, intelligent guy.

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I suggest you make a plan or timetable for yourself. Plan out your time and give yourself time each day to do work. Start small - don't try to tackle big tasks if you don't feel quite ready yet, and focus on one subject at a time. Don't try sitting with all your books and notes and everything like that out in front of you, as this will only make it all seem so overwhelming and will undoubtedly put you off doing any work. Sit with one task and work for a while on that. Then, put it away and get out something else, y'know? Take regular breaks to rest both your body and mind, and then get back to it. Something that also helped me massive amounts was making sure I was somewhere I couldn't be distracted. Is it possible for you to spend a couple of hours a day in a library? I find that a lot of the time, people get distracted simply because they're in a place (such as a bedroom) where distractions are absolutely everywhere, making it impossible to work. Thing is, if you're somewhere like a library, well, there's not much else there for you to do but work, right? Start small and work your way up. When you get an essay or a couple of chapters to read, start it on the day you get it and this will hopefully encourage you to keep going.

I know it's hard to muster up all that motivation when it's been lost for so long, but you know yourself that you're absolutely capable of doing this work. You're just not. Once again, work your way back up slowly to getting on top of it all again. There's also nothing wrong in asking a lecturer or tutor for a bit of guidance or help with time management and motivation tips and ideas. Most importantly, though, have belief in yourself. If you're constantly thinking that you can't do this then it'll absolutely reflect in your work and nothing will ever get done. Go into your work with confidence and belief in yourself - it can help enormously.

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My self-destructive behavior is not just limited to my academic life, but also to my health. I could really stand to lose fifteen to twenty pounds, and I have gained 13 pounds this year. I know how to lose weight because I weighed more than I did now three years ago and got into a healthy lifestyle that paid off. But now I binge a lot, don't drink enough water and don't work out when I should, and summer (when I would like to be able to go bare above the waist without feeling insecure) is rapidly approaching.

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Again, this is something that's in your control and something that can absolutely be worked on, yeah? Believe that you CAN do this! As I mentioned above, I think you'd benefit from making yourself some sort of schedule or timetable to fit around your classes. As well as making substantial time for working, maybe try and fit some time in there for you to work out and exercise. This might provide you with a good relief from studying and it'll also help you start feeling better about yourself. Carry a bottle of water about with you if at all possible, so when you're out and about you know it's there and you can have some regularly to drink. You know exactly what needs done (and, by the way, well done for the weight loss before! Brilliant!) and you know that you CAN do it again. It's just about making that decision to actually do something about it. Sorting out your diet and your school work is going to make you a much happier person overall, even if it is really tough in the beginning, right? So it's all really worth it. You know it is.

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Negative overactive imagination:
I make up scenarios in my head about negative events; this happens quite a bit. Sometimes I'm walking on campus alone and I just imagine little storylines. For example, my whole family dies, I have a multi-person funeral/concert with a certain musician playing an emotional song, and then I get adopted by a richer family or I move out on my own, or,...or,,...and it goes on and on. Sometimes I just imagine a police officer or government agent coming into my literature classroom to tell me my father has died or has been kidnapped or is actually a terrorist. And sometimes, I imagine that my father has killed my mother, and that my life has been screwed up as a result, or that my siblings only have died and my mother has gone mad because of it while my father is happy about it all. Isn't this horrible? When I'm with others, they would never realize this, because I only outwardly show these emotions when I am alone.

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Well, imagining different scenarios in our heads and whatnot IS a natural thing that people do. It just so happens that yours are more negative, and probably quite unpleasant for you to know you're thinking about? As branflakes mentioned, it's probably the result of boredom or something like that, y'know? If you keep yourself occupied and busy, and focus on the things you want to achieve, then chances are that you won't find yourself thinking about such things as often. Or, if you do, they won't be as regular and thus won't get to you as much.

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I'm so fucking nutty! It's the worst thing to know you have problems and to want to fix them but to trapped. And scarier still is the notion that because my manner of self-reflection, like my other mental patterns, is a product of my environment and my history, that I might not really be able to break out of my bad habits even though I can see them (precisely because they are also part of myself and products of my environment and history).

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I completely understand this. The positive thing is that you CAN identify your problems. That's the first step. The second is to start working on them - and believing that they can be worked on. Don't give up on yourself, yeah? It's not going to get you anywhere at all. I do believe that you can break out of these habits of start working in a more positive way. It's all about making small changes, though. Don't jump in too deep, or things may start getting hectic and you'll start feeling so overwhelmed and the desire to just give up on it all may be more appealing that ever. Start small, work it up, and before you know it you'll have a grip on certain aspects of your life. Really, I do think it's about making that decision to change things, and sticking to that decision. Don't expect too much too fast - give yourself time to work through your difficulties and you WILL get through them. Also, as for you wanting to be a "better person" - I don't really think it's about being a better person, just ironing out some kinks you're unhappy with.

As I've mentioned a few times now, I do think a lot of this will take a lot of belief in yourself. You CAN make these changes, and you can make them now.

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it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces.