Ok, to start off, I'm 17 and in high school. I consider myself emotional(not as in I dress in the "emo" clothes, but that I cry easy, etc.). I care probably too much about everything. I treat every thing as if it were another human and it kills me when I see something hurt or dead. I am also scared of things I shouldn't be afraid of and get worried extremely easy.

When I was in 5th grade, my grandpa died. I didn't see him often, but we had a great time whenever we were together. He had Alzheimer's and it gradually was the cause of his death. We would always go out on his fishing boat and talk, fool around, fish for a bit maybe.

I picked up the phone when his wife called with news of his passing. She was crying a bit when she called. I was home alone at the time, my parents were still at work and my sister was at an after school activity. As soon as I heard he died, I dropped the phone and just fell to the ground crying. I was crying on and off for days. It hit me hard.

I haven't really been the same since. I don't have a good humor, I am funny when I want to be, but I don't laugh easy. I am emotionless except for fear, worry, and sadness. I don't really get happy or excited. I have no hobbies.

I went on a trip in like 6th or 7th grade and saw a seagull with a bloody wing almost completely torn off and I was about to start to cry. I wanted to help it so bad, but I knew there was nothing I could do. That bird stayed on my mind for days when it shouldn't have impacted me except for when I was actually there looking at it.

The day after Christmas that year, my parents told me that my dad had terminal cancer and 10% of the people with his type of cancer lived for 5 years. I broke down yet again. It took me all of my winter break from school to be able to function semi-normally again.

Since then, my father and I grew apart a bit. I became a teen with anger issues and didn't like authority. Normal for a teen, but I look back at myself and am ashamed when I'm still only 17. He tried so hard to be good to me, but I pushed him away. Not entirely sure why to this day, but I think that it is because I didn't want to deal with the pain of when he was going to die.

So anyways, things were going fine until this past year. I was doing well in school, had a decent amount of friends,was enjoying life more than I had before.

I started drinking and smoking weed. Weed isn't something that was gonna kill me, but I thought I might as well add it. Shortly after that, I started popping prescription pills such as Oxycodone and I sold it to others at my school in order to continue doing it myself as I had no income. Did coke a few times as well. I grew out of all of that after 10th grade, though. I no longer drink, smoke, do pills, or any kind of drug. I'm drug-free.

Then in November of 07, my father passed away. It was on the 15th.

I had been hired for my first job. I was in a hurry to get there and he told me I looked good. As in, I was dressed nicely and stuff, my clothes went well together for my job. I ignored him and went to work. When I got home, he was dead.

Hurts me a lot looking back on it, the last time I saw him, I didn't even want to see him. In the past 5 months since his death, I think I have learned more than I had the past 16 years of my life.

The funeral day, which was the Wednesday after he passed away, I seemed ok. Take note: I haven't missed a single day of school due to this incident. However, that night, I had a panic attack. I started shaking uncontrollably, I couldn't think straight, I became extremely nervous over nothing. I wasn't even really thinking about anything at the time. My heart started racing. The classic panic attack.

I still have panic attacks everday. I haven't cried since my father died, but my eyes are always watery. I tried seeing a counselor, but it didn't help. I tried going to the chiropractor, but it actually increased the amount of panic attacks I had.

I feel like I'm going insane. With all of these panic attacks, I feel like I've lost control of myself. They never happen when I'm at school because I'm so focused on the teacher and what we are supposed to be learning, but I can't sleep at night because as soon as I lie down and turn off my lamp by my bed, I start freaking out about nothing. My heart starts racing and I start trembling.

My mom knows I was having panic attacks, but I don't tell her that I still am getting them. I don't want to worry her.

I'm extremely depressed and have thought about suicide, but I'm not going to kill myself because of the pain it would cause my family.

In the past 5 months since my father's death, I have lost quite a few friends because I have become a completely different person. An anti-social person. I prefer to be left alone by almost everyone. I just keep a few close friends.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to continue like this. I want to be the way I was a few years ago, where I could control myself. Where I could understand myself. Where I was happy. I miss it. I miss my life.