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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

The Path
Tell me if you like it, please?
Replies: 2Last Post April 9 12:47am by ocdbabe
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( ahhxixcantxhearxyou )


Dairy Product Addict
Reply
If you take into consideration
that pure articulation
in how her lips forms her words,

Your mind might tell you then
what's happened time and time again,
and that it's meant for the fog ahead to clear.

That life of possession
was just a miscalculation
And this road is finally straightened out

-------
The dream I dreamt last night, isn't as beautiful as those
three words I've been longing to hear.


8:21 pm on Mar. 28, 2008 | Joined June 2007 | 76 Days Active
Join to learn more about ahhxixcantxhearxyou Tennessee, United States | Lesbian Female | 299 Posts | 1081 Points
Ad libitum


Professional
Reply
I think there needs to be a constant rhyme scheme, and maybe another stanza. So far so good though.  

-------
'I wanna be like you,doing all thing things you do.  
You haven't got a clue how I try and try each night.'

12:25 am on April 9, 2008 | Joined Feb. 2008 | 53 Days Active
Join to learn more about Ad libitum England, United Kingdom | Lesbian Female | 1405 Posts | 2294 Points
ocdbabe


Executive
Reply
Ugh. DOn't listen to the kid above me. Poems do NOT need to rhyme.  Gosh.  However, I do agree that it seems unfinished. I can tell that you feel it's finished. But the wording at the end...it's the last line that makes it seem unfinished. Perhaps a word besides straightened? Just an idea. I really do like it htough. =]

-------
If your heart were broken,
you'd be dead.

12:47 am on April 9, 2008 | Joined June 2007 | 87 Days Active
Join to learn more about ocdbabe Washington, United States | Straight Female | 2301 Posts | 3556 Points
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