I'm not depressed right now, I'm not upset. I'm just lounging around in my boxers, and my legs are scratched up so bad. It used to be just the insides, where I could hide it easily, now its graduated to the tops of my legs and near my knees. I don't even know why I just did that. It hurt, but the after effect is heaven. I'm starting to worry, that maybe something is happening that I don't know about. Like, I hear people say all the time, and I've even said it, that they have lost touch with reality, what if I really am this time, and not realizing it means its really happening? I don't even know what I'm typing really, or what I'm getting at. I guess drug useage isn't that helpful either at this point. I feel so stressed from everything, I don't even think I can get any advice because it's all things I refuse to fix. I feel oddly at peace with myself, and it's really scaring me.
Emotionally I feel drained, I'm in an awesome mood and then cutting myself an hour later. And here I am in another thread giving users reasons NOT to cut themselves. How can I even say something like that to someone? I realize I'm human and everyone has problems, but I don't feel like I'm doing the best as a SL I can when I'm like this. I feel like I'm being inferior somehow. Like, if I show I have feelings and problems, no one will take anything I say seriously. Who wants a whack job helping you?What really gets me, is if they say my advice helped, and they're going to try what I said. I think, why can't I be that brave? the drugs, the SI, my mom, school, I can't deal with it anymore, and all these problems seem so little in comparison to say, a rape victim or something, and I always preach that a problem no matter the size is a problem, but I can't help but feeling like I'm complaining for nothing.
Physically I'm drained, my head hurts nonstop (doc apt. next monday), I feel lightheaded all the time, tired, irritable, I've been eating out of control again.
I don't know what to do anymore you guys.
Nothing helps anymore. When I was younger, writing used to help, for a while talking helped, (I'm feeling a fucking rage of anger right now as my mom has just called me for whatever reason, I'm lashing out and I don't know why..christ), running used to help. I can sit here and name 20 things to do instead of cutting myself, but I can't/won't do any of them.
Do I even want to stop?
Post edited at 5:29 pm on Mar. 17, 2008 by The Lure Of The Sea
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