My story... -- LiveWire College Forums

Warning - this will be long, and I will say things here most people wouldn't say at all, so be prepared. My earliest memories are of being molested by friends and family, men and women, and some of the most vile and despised things today. My parents divorced when I was 6, and after my mother whom I was with nearly suffered a mental breakdown I was placed with my father. I was never to see my mother again until recently, save a precious few holidays. I had two older step brothers that taught me many things I didn't need to know (sexually) which greatly confused me for a few years, and I believed I was Bi (but not openly). My father divorced from her deciding that i was better off with only him. I began sneaking out at night just to get some good "thinking time", where I met some guys who I came to love dearly as brothers. Through one of them I met a girl I thought I would one day marry, but who changed me forever - she loved blood, the sight/taste/smell, the way it sprayed from a fresh knife slice, etc. and she loved pain (yes I was officially messed up too). I came to love all she did, until I was drugged and raped by one of my ex's one night (guys get raped too) and she took pictures to show to my then girlfriend Amy. She was furious, and after leaving me to soak my mattress with my own blood, she proceeded to sleep with every last one of those "brothers" whom I thought I had. I wanted to ask them why they did it, but... no answer. I got jumped by all 13 of them instead. I blacked out, and when I came to, they were running or crawling away from me, or crumpled up in a heap gasping, sobbing... I walked home, tended my wounds, and began to pray for forgiveness from god, that he might give me a way to fight through this pain in my heart (bodies heal much easier), and that there be some way out of the black void which I had cast myself into. Nobody to blame but myself. For 3 years, I put myself through such pain I woke up sobbing every morning ( if i could sleep), threw clothes on, collected myself, and went to school. I met another friend that I loved with all my heart, who I would gladly have suffered almost any fate for, and after some time, when I thought life was too bleak to continue, he met a girl. That would be my last gift to him, that I would somehow get him this girl... After she saw me jump out of a truck with him, my leather trenchcoat, cowboy boots, neat hair, and 2 handed sword in one hand ( I am an extremely physically powerful man ) to help her with her yard work chore, she was in love with me. Eventually, we got together, and my life turned for the better. Josh (the friend) forgave me since she evidently had no interest in him and it saved my life. I dropped out of HS to start work and begin making a home for her. We lived together for about 1.5 years, were together about 2, when she told me she had cheated on me with her ex right after we got together, with Josh three seperate times while I was out working to pay the bills, and had had a threesome with her friend and another ex (I learned that last bit from Josh when I was trying to track him down to kill him). I forgive her, but cannot forget, and every day my heart is taken over with more hatred and anger, all directed toward Josh and Adrian and Marissa... and it kills me because I can walk to any of their homes. I cannot and will not harm them, though I'd LOVE to, because that would forfeit my life with Krysten, but this burden is becoming too much to bear, and I don't know how I can live with so much betrayal against me.... I am filled to the brim with anger and hate, and it seems I get more every day, and it's becoming harder and harder to justify living, loving, and working every day for a woman that, though she loves me, cannot provide me with the only other things I ask for - Honesty and Faithfulness... In my life, I have always acted as a shield for those I love, twisting my mind, breaking my heart, and shattering my very soul to see them prosper. Now that I am so ravaged, how can I ever be "normal" again? when will it stop hurting? it's been over a year since I found out, and it only gets worse. I have not cut for years, but may have to resort to that as a release... how does one face dawn when their heart is filled with only the darkness of pain, hate, hopelessness, and rage?

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