I met a girl in 2004 over the internet. I've always been a shy, isolated boy and I could really talk with her. Feelings grew rapidly and we both fell in love. She wanted to be with me in 2005. I was planning to leave the country then. But it didn't happen, because I was afraid I'd be a disapointment for her.

In 2006 we finally met and had a good time. But I had big trouble finding to accept that she got engaged now. And she started to neglect me on the smaller things. Which I didn't like.

So I thought I had to move on and wanted to take my chances with another girl who had much in common with the girl I met in 2004. However, I ran by her first because I don't want to drive her away.

We got into a fight, the fight escalated a lot. She started drinking her pain away, I started cutting my pain away. The other girl couldn't handle it anymore, felt guilty for all this and went out of my life.

I couldn't sleep anymore, cut myself badly with about 50 cuts on a daily basis. I nearly commited suicide by too great of a bloodloss. But I survived. That was around januari 2007.

Since then I've got incredible periods where I just think of anything to hurt myself mentally. Whether it's true or made-up, I aim to hurt myself badly and when I'm breaking down crying, I stop thinking.

It's not I choose for it, it just happens. Mostly in the times when I get sleepy and sometimes even twice per day. At the rest of the time I can be really happy and stuff.

But now, everytime I get the thought of sex/love/starting a family and all that, it really hurts me. It doesn't matter if it's a few lines in a love song, if it's a topic on this site or it's thinking how I'll never be with anybody if this keeps up.

I don't have any local friends because my interests aren't even remotely the same as the people here. I've practically locked myself in my room for over a year now. Only to get out for work, visiting family or dinner/bathroom/toilet.

But I don't want that.. I want to able to have a girlfriend and not bringing myself to depression because of it and not having the risc to loose any friends, because I only have 3 people who I can really consider as friends...

But I doubt that is possible..