Basically i have been a manic depressive person for around 5 years, being only 16 nearly 17, it all started when i was 11. It all started when my parents spilt up.

All my life i was bought up with physical and verbal abuse, at the age of 14 all the sexual abuse started, but thats another story. I began to self harm at the age of 11 as well. I have been clean for 6 weeks now. I also developed an eating disorder but i'm not even going to go into that.

My problem is i have attempted 3 times, failed obviously as i'm still here, but still wanting to die. I'm fed up of trying to be happy, i can't even remeber the last time i laughed, the last time i went out with friends, all my life i'v never been happy, not properly. My childhood was taken away from me.. i was kicked out at the age of 14, i never had a real relationship, well i did until the last one decided to break up on our anniversary, i know it was only 3 months, but i truley truley loved her. But anywai.

It seems to me, life is out to get me, it doesn't want me to be happy. I keep fightin, but i don't see the point no more.. Yes i'v seen doctors, councillors, psychiatrirts and all that crap, it don't work. I'm not allowed pills for my depression due to my habit of overdosing on any pills i can get my hands on pretty much.

I know this sounds really attention seeking maybe and shit, but i'm serious, i just want someone who understand me cos i just do not want to live any longer and soon i know i will suceed...

WHAT DO I DO?? IS THERE ANY HOPE LEFT??

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'I'm just a Kid & Life is a Nightmare'

The choice is basicallly yours to make, seing that you really know what real pain is - are you willing to go the distance instead of succumbing to the pressures of the world? I had to force that on myself, or I'd be feeling worthless to day.

One of the thing sI've used to share focused on using pain as a driving force to push forward. I believe deep down, we all want to be recognized, to be appreciated by the world, and mroe often than not, we don't get what we want in life, but thats part of life itself . .

A very old saying goes like 10% of things that happens to us are beyond our control. 90% of it afterwards is based on how we deal witht hat 10%. I've found this to be very true . . WE can look at pain as, suffering . . lets day, and get all upset over it, that life is an ass. Or, use that pain to instigate change, that despite all the odds, one can find peace in his self, and use that experience to be someone much stronger, nto only emotionally, but in willpower, because it takes a great amount of will to pull through something like this.

I've heard the story of a young pastor who went through something like you did. His parents were drug addicts, the mom divorced thrice, fell into prostitution, and the child was neglected, abused, and became part of the drug trade. By the age of 17, he was shooting around the city . . .

He finally managed to pull himself together, after the started to realise his self-worth - we are all different, we are all unique, furthermore byt he things that life throws at us. What you've gone through is something few others experience, and if you can succesfully live your life, that is something nobody else can ever match up to.

The choice is yours - endure the suffering and use that to drive you on, or give up - but deep down you know giving up won't really do you much good . . . I know you've bene struggling all this while, so when you've been halfway there, do you really want to give up? We are all living halfway through life ..  so those who do give up, well - u know the story

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The key to victory is the element of surprise.
When that doesn't work, I guess I just gotta gun you down.