I posted this on my blog. I thought I would share it on LiveWire also. If you're very religious, then you might not like it. I knew that I was attracted to males at a very young age. It was something that I thought was normal until I would get older. I would figure out what homosexuality was, and learn that it was wrong by many people around me. I probably knew I was bisexual by the time I was ten. I remember questing why what I was, was so wrong. I had many questions, but I knew I couldn't ask them. That's when you start to feel secluded from the world.
By the time I was sixteen, it started to drive me crazy. I couldn't understand why I was attracted to males. I started to look at good-looking males in my school in a sexual way. I couldn't control these sexual thoughts. They just popped in my head as if a straight guy was to think about a girl in a sexual way. It felt more wrong, then good, though. I was taught that those kinds of thoughts and desires were wrong. Most sixteen year old boys are going through puberty, and trying to figure out who they are. My hormones were driving me crazy. I was lost.
I spent many nights crying at night. I would pray everyday to God and ask him to make me straight. I thought if anything was going to make me straight, then it would be God. That's when I started to get right with God, and read bible daily. I didn't want the world to hate me, and I didn't want to have these sexual thoughts anymore. Of course, I would still be bisexual after all the praying and crying. That wasn't going to change anything.
I stopped reading the bible after awhile. I started to lose faith. I didn't want to believe that God wouldn't help me become straighter and stop these horrible thoughts I had of males. After awhile, I started to think that maybe God isn't real, or maybe the bible is wrong. God slowly started to fade out of my life as time went on.
During this process I was still dating girls and very sexually aroused by them. I just acted as if doing something with a male was more of a fantasy than my sexuality. I started to get paranoid that people would find out that I was bisexual. I would try extra hard to talk straight, walk straight, and talk about as many hot girls as possible. The world finding out that I was bisexual started to become my worst fear.
It started to get hard knowing that you had to hide who you were, because it might change the way people view you. I didn't want to lose my friends and my family, so my goal was to never tell a soul. People can't hate something about you if they don't know. At times, I wanted to scream it out to the world, and other times I was happy that no one knew.
I started to get very mean as time went on. I got sick of hearing all these people talk negative about homosexuality. I couldn't defend myself or people that were like me. I just had to sit there and listen to them run down who I was. That's when things started to become more difficult and I wanted to be straight that much more. I started to take the pressure and frustration out on my friends and family.
I read a lot about homosexuality on the Internet. I was learning that it's not wrong to be homosexual. I would soon figure out that their were people who were going through the same thing I was. That is when I started to get more comfortable knowing that I was bisexual. I would start to take people out of my life who would straight out dis homosexual males to my face. I still won't be friends with someone who's so hateful towards homosexuality.
I started to allow the homosexual world into my life. I would start to talk to gay males on the Internet and do what I should have done a long time ago. I can remember watching my first gay porn video. I felt wrong and cried after I watched it, but I would continue to watch it as time went on. After awhile, straight porn would no longer arouse me, and all I would watch is gay porn.
I had something very horrible happen to me in high school. It had nothing to do with my sexuality, but it took part in making me even more lost of who I was. I fell into a deep depression and started to feel hated by everyone. I felt like I couldn't be myself that much more.
One night I was crying uncontrollably, since I was so lost and confused about life. My mother came into my room and talked to me about my depression. That's when I just couldn't hide my sexuality anymore. I told her that I was bisexual and it felt like a piece of the world lifted off of my shoulders. I told more of my family members, and it felt so great to be able to be myself around them. I didn't have to hide anymore.
After that, everything seemed to fall in to place. I would find myself and know that it's okay to be a homosexual male. It was something that I was born with, and it wouldn't go away no matter what I did. I could cry, pray, and tell myself daily I was straight, but that wouldn't do anything. It would still be there.
Now I'm out to most of the people that know me. I'm still aroused by girls, but I have put them away for now. I spent so much time running from my homosexuality. It's now time to explorer that part of my life that I hid from the world for so long. Now all the negative talk about homosexuality no longer seems to matter anymore.
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- Eat me!
- You're beautiful, Carolyn.
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omd i read it and its like omd, like thats how i feel sometimes.. 
