FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! I want to stop feeling like this! -- LiveWire Teen Forums

You could have developed a personality disorder. They are more common then you think. I want to get it out there, because i have borderline personality disorder. Ok for example take the number of people on your msn list, of facebook friend list, or some friend list and take that number and times it by 0.02, that is the number on you list that do or could have borderline. 1 in every 50 people have it. There are others though, not just that one! AND because you were raped, 90% chance that you will develop something. It's a trama to the brain as well, to take all that bullshit in, weather you remember it or not. We all have shit in our body, it's when there is an IMBALANCE that it disables us. Like a trigger. I mean like a bomb in the building. Someone put it there right? And someone can set it off, or something. So like cancer, how did it get there, if someone has it? It's already there, but something has caused it to BE cancer. if that makes sense. We are all sane, Or should be when we are born. But something like you being touched, hit, thrown, raped, all that stuff, sworn at, teased, everything, that can change the way you function. You could COMPLETELY shut down if it's not saut out. People may tell you just to get over it....but I mean if something develops from it, and it knocks you off kilter, then it sucks and screws you up royally. Like for instance i was molested twice when I was younger, I sorta remember, once when i was 3, and once when i was 5 (not sure how long it went on for as i only rememeber a fraction of it) but then I got teased all my live, thrown in a foster home due to false accusations of my mom hitting us (which she didn't) and we were there for 5 months then moved back with her (she won in court) and since then i didn't fit in. I was always the new kid. I was put on medication were i gained a TON of weight, I was 190 lbs at 13 years old, i was like 5 foot 3 and i was huge and looked like a dude. Not good. So i was put down for that. Soon I got in a foster home again cause i refused to go to school moved to a city. And soon i made friends, i had dropped the weight after they took me off the medication. Then i made friends i was happy. Got over quite a few things started to get over my insecurites. Then the bullshit really hit (this was the trigger part) i got an online bf, and it was ok. We broke up, it didn't bother me, I think i loved him i dunno, but whatever i cried I GOT OVER IT. then I got a new bf, someone from where i live. We hung out everyday, and i lost my virginity to him, and yes i did love him. But then things started to change, he would want his ex over...bad, and he would look at her, and id say something to him and he would ignore me.....(i was his second gf, it had been 3 years since he had a gf, and his ex was his first) so i did have my suspisions. I asked him about it, he said his feelings changed long time ago. But then i started feeling way i didn't before, and doing things i did'nt remember doing. Well he dumped me, wanted nothing to do with me, told me i was fucked up and all. And i couldn't help but agree with him. So i went and got help, and found out i have bpd. What triggered it was the fact that I had been lied to and cheated on. Now my fiance has it the worst, i'm so hard on him because of what those other did to me. the closer i get the harder i push them away. and i can't help it. Like i said. It has to be CRIPPLING in order for them to diagnose it. Hope this helps. Hopefully, you can get through it, but if you feel like shit for a long time, and get happy, then all of a sudden it's like you hate that your happy...then there is something wrong. Deeper then just being normal and functional. For me i have a low tolerant level. Which makes it hard, my friends tell me i make it hard, and i know i do, but i try like fucking hell to make it through each day. Like I said hope it helps, and if you do have something, IT WILL HELP TO KNOW, DONT IGNORE IT. cause if you can't handle it like "everyone else does". then if you do have something, you then know what YOU have to do to fix it for YOU. Like for me, i have to learn to see the grey matter, shit is just black and white for me, it either IS or ISN'T I know i have to try and see the IF'S or MAYBE'S, which is really hard. But i'm not the only one I have 3 people on my friends list, two are sure they have it, and one knows she does cause she was diagnosed 7 years ago. But Im done for now, pm me if you want. Sorry it was so long. Just thought i would explain. Your not the only one to go through something like that, but the way you deal with it might be different story. If there is something wrong (mentally, I try not to use that word it freaks people out) then you'll have to handle it differently then others who have experienced the same situation. People are different i have a friend who got raped at a party, she was drunk, and she kept the kid, doesn't know who the father is, where as someone else might get rid of it cause it's not theirs they didn't really want it. And medication for me is out. I have to learn to do this myself. Medication will just make it a fuzz you could go to a thousand doctors they will all give you something different ok? So for me no it won't work, and it might not for you. I have to do this myself from the inside. And you may find you might have a simular or same problem

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"The clouds I can handle, but I can't fight an eclipse"~ Jacob Black

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