For so long I wanted a life like every other "normal" teenager around me. I wanted one problem to solve, I wanted to bitch about my parents and have stupid drama with my friends. I've had more then my fair share of it all. In the process of seeking this dream world, I hurt everyone and I ruined myself.

This sounds dramatic, and it is. Mainly because of my writing style. I know that I've had a lot to say about shit none of you care about, and I know that I'm just going to look back on this later and come up with more excuses and reasons for being the way that I am. The thing is though, I want so much to heal and move on with my life and for some reason I can't.

I want, I want, I want. It's always about me isn't it? It's not about how I hurt my mother and drove her practically nuts. Or how I think only of myself when people are grieving. When my brother was dying I just cared about how life would be after. Honestly, I feel terrible about those things but, just like how you can't stop after eating just one chip, I will always act like this. There is no cure, I've tried to many times to "get over it" but let's face the facts here: I will a-l-w-a-y-s be this evil, immature, selfish brat. It will always be me, myself and I. I will always wallow in my self pity.

When I look at the people I call friends, I realize they weren't friends at all. They were people I used to substitute real relationships because I can't handle anything that might scratch my inner surface and discover what I truly am. Who wants to be a friend to someone who looks angry all the time but doesn't know how she feels? Who wants to be a friend to someone who's family hated her? And who wants to be a friend with a girl who is constantly paranoid about what you're thinking? Always wondering if you're being kind just to spite her?

No one. It's disgusting how I act. It's disgusting that I don't know anything about myself, and that I'm willing to take on aspects of another persons personality because I don't have a good one. It happens automatically, it's not something I think about. It's disgusting that I never give to anyone who needs it and that I'm jealous when my mother goes off and has a happy life without me.

I don't know what brought this on or how anyone will react to it. But that's the way it is. My mother was right, I am truly crazy.


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"And the rangers stream out of their cabins,
They are the hunters, we are the rabbits,
And maybe we don't wanna be found,
Maybe we don't want you tracking us down,"

FP

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Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

I guess I just wanted you to know that I read it, and I wish there was something I could say to help.

If you ever need to vent you can PM me.

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No life ain't always beautiful,
tears will fall sometimes.
Life ain't always beautiful,
but it's a beautiful ride.