Letter to Mom. -- LiveWire Teen Forums

Hi Mom,
I have no idea if this letter is going to make things worse, since you haven't yelled at me or avoided me like I thought you would. but in any case, I'm going to explain everything to the best of my ability and try to answer any questions or doubts you may have. I know I've probably lost all your trust, and I know I've caused you a lot of stress because of this and other things like the camera etc., but all I ask is for you to read this with an open mind. I'm not going to yell or shriek if I don't get my way, and we won't have to deal with any heated arguments. Anyway, I'll start off by explaining everything we discussed during our aim conversation in more detail, since I could only type/explain so much with my phone.
Yes, I'm obviously a liar, but please don't put any blame on Manny. We talked a little after you sent that email to him because he needed me to tell him everything. He hadn't quite "hit rock bottom" yet, and he just needed me to confirm what you had said. after I did so, he told me he had no hard feelings and we said goodbye. we stopped talking for about a week. then one day, I, not him, initiated a conversation. I felt guilty and was apologizing again for what I did, and within a couple minutes we were in an "in-depth" conversation, mostly him asking questions, why and such. He asked about the real me and I explained everything. I replaced every single lie with the truth. He now knows the real me. I can't remember the details after that, but obviously we decided to keep talking. So he created a new s/n (he didn't tell me until after he did it) and we kept talking from there. The next few conversations he would always stress to me that he was going against his word and that I would get caught and be in even more trouble. But I kept insisting that we could keep talking. So the fact that we still talk today is my fault. Obviously he could have blocked me or ignored me, but he is a nice person and wouldn't do that.
The next thing that you were saying is that I can go have sex, them him more lies, sneak off to meet him, etc. I can clear this up easily. I'm NOT going to go have sex ANYTIME soon, like I said earlier he only know truths now, and I'm not going to go meet him. I don't know if you actually think I will do those things or if it was just something to vent out your frustration but either way, I've learned my lesson with all there's lies I told. I really have, and I would never lie like that again. The guilt still kills me.
you also said I still get on LW after you asked me not to. I can assure you that I have started over. I deleted that old account and created a new one. I strictly make topics, reply to topics, and try to give good advice. I'm actually working on getting the support leader status. I don't personally think it's a really big deal, but if you don't want me going on there anymore, I'll close my account and stop.
I haven't taken any inappropriate pictures recently, since you found out about Manny. that is OVER WITH. I will never do that again. I really don't know what possessed me to do something like that. that was really disgusting and wrong of me and I'm sorry. that will never happen again. On that same topic, I never ever talk like that anymore. like I said, that's really disgusting and I don't know why I ever did it. I guess I thought no one would talk to me otherwise. I thought I would have to do that to be interesting or something. I really don't know. But Manny and I don't ever talk like that. And we rarely ever did before anyway. It never gets brought up in conversation even, so all that is out of the equation. It's over with and I'd never do it again.
I'm trying to think of other things to add before I write the last paragraph. Basically, I really can't express how much I regret everything I did. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. This whole experience has really lowered my self-esteem and my self-worth if that makes sense, and I truly regret everything. I wish I never created that account on LiveWire. I wish I never got carried away with the need to be pretty, and I wish I never found those pictures of that girl. It only contributed to my jealousy and need to be wanted. That's how it all started anyway. Just a need to be liked by someone. And I guess I thought this was the way to go. But I realize all this was just a big mistake. I need to learn that faking my way through life will get me absolutely no where. I've never had a high self-esteem and you know that. And just as I was getting better and more confident, I have to pull crap like this and ruin everything. I'm now back to where I used to be. And if not yet, I will be soon. All because of yet another screw up I made. I feel awful, I feel disgusted by myself, and I wouldn't be surprised if you are too. This whole thing has not only affected me, but my relationship with you. you may put it in the back of your head so you don't have to think about it, but I know deep down that you've probably lost your respect for me. I've never been a good child. Not when I was little, not now. I don't even know who I'm going to become when I'm older. I'm scared I will only get worse. I'm scared that what I have with dad will become what I have with you. I'm scared that I will never move forward and improve. I feel stuck, dwelling on what I can't change, and I really don't know what to do. I never mean to screw up this much and I hope you know that. I just take everything too far. I never know when to stop. I never know when to draw the line. You've told me before that I need deep psychological help, and you're probably right. After all this shit I've done, how else would you explain it? I need help. I'm so much of a screw-up, how else would we take care of it? Who else does this kind of crap? Who else has a daughter like this?? No one. Jasmine doesn't do this. Morgan, Caitlin, Julia, no one. I'm abnormal. I don't even know why these things cross my mind. I don't even know why these ideas pop into my head. No one else does this, why me? I feel like I let you down once again. I'm sorry. I regret this all the time. Since I'm not in school and not doing anything else, I have so much time to reflect and constantly remind myself of what I did.
I'm going to stop rambling about all this. I was going to wrap this up by begging if I could keep talking to Manny, but I doubt there is really a point. He is just a guy from the Internet, I should be able to block and ignore and just move on, but I can't. If you want me to stop talking to him, I will. I can't do it abruptly, Like I said. It will take time because I've gotten attached to him. We talk a LOT everyday. The reason why you always find me asleep with my phone in my bed is because the night before I was laying in bed talking to him on AIM until one of us fell asleep, usually me. He calls me all the time leaving me voicemails when he's bored, when he's lonely, or just when he feels like it. I listen to them all the time. When I'm bored, when I'm lonely, or when I feel like it. I stay on AIM on my phone all day so whenever he has the time, he can get on and we can talk. Again, I know this is the Internet, but I feel close to him. He can't judge me, I can be open to him about everything. We always have something to talk about. I've seen several sides of him. I've changed him, he's changed me. He probably doesn't want me telling you this, but he used to drink and do drugs. Well guess what? HE doesn't anymore. I made him promise to me he wouldn't anymore, and except for one or maybe twice, he's stopped everything. That's what I mean when I say change. He's very sweet and very funny, and he has a good heart. He has been through a LOT. He has no dad, he grew up with gangs, he had to man up at an early age to help his mom take care of all his sisters. He's been hit by his uncle when he was young, and when his uncle was sick, no one would help him walk but MANNY. Despite what his uncle did to him, he still have the kind heart to help him up. He loves kids, he has nieces and nephews he helps take care of. He has a lot on his plate, and he needs someone to talk to. and even after all my mistakes and lies, he still likes talking to me. the real me. He even started talking to me in and teaching me Spanish. So, I'll ask just once, no begging...if I can continue talking to Manny. If we can text or talk on the phone again. we can even test it and if you want to change your mind, you can. I know this is just the internet, but think about how you met Dad. He lived far away, but you communicated by letters. It's kind of the same thing, only modernized. So that's all I ask, is if we can talk on the phone like we used to. He;s my friend, even if he's far away from me.
I don't know if you want to write back or email or type it up or something, but I want to know your thoughts on all this. So I guess this is the end of my letter. I hope this helped even a little, because I put a lot of thought and time into it. So please write/type/email back telling me your thoughts on all this. I hope we can move past this at some point. Again, I'm sorry. and I love you so much.
Love,
me.

Quote: from Anonymous at 3:47 pm on July 25, 2008

Hi Mom,
I have no idea if this letter is going to make things worse, since you haven't yelled at me or avoided me like I thought you would. but in any case, I'm going to explain everything to the best of my ability and try to answer any questions or doubts you may have. I know I've probably lost all your trust, and I know I've caused you a lot of stress because of this and other things like the camera etc., but all I ask is for you to read this with an open mind. I'm not going to yell or shriek if I don't get my way, and we won't have to deal with any heated arguments. Anyway, I'll start off by explaining everything we discussed during our aim conversation in more detail, since I could only type/explain so much with my phone.
Yes, I'm obviously a liar, but please don't put any blame on Manny. We talked a little after you sent that email to him because he needed me to tell him everything. He hadn't quite "hit rock bottom" yet, and he just needed me to confirm what you had said. after I did so, he told me he had no hard feelings and we said goodbye. we stopped talking for about a week. then one day, I, not him, initiated a conversation. I felt guilty and was apologizing again for what I did, and within a couple minutes we were in an "in-depth" conversation, mostly him asking questions, why and such. He asked about the real me and I explained everything. I replaced every single lie with the truth. He now knows the real me. I can't remember the details after that, but obviously we decided to keep talking. So he created a new s/n (he didn't tell me until after he did it) and we kept talking from there. The next few conversations he would always stress to me that he was going against his word and that I would get caught and be in even more trouble. But I kept insisting that we could keep talking. So the fact that we still talk today is my fault. Obviously he could have blocked me or ignored me, but he is a nice person and wouldn't do that.
The next thing that you were saying is that I can go have sex, them him more lies, sneak off to meet him, etc. I can clear this up easily. I'm NOT going to go have sex ANYTIME soon, like I said earlier he only know truths now, and I'm not going to go meet him. I don't know if you actually think I will do those things or if it was just something to vent out your frustration but either way, I've learned my lesson with all there's lies I told. I really have, and I would never lie like that again. The guilt still kills me.
you also said I still get on LW after you asked me not to. I can assure you that I have started over. I deleted that old account and created a new one. I strictly make topics, reply to topics, and try to give good advice. I'm actually working on getting the support leader status. I don't personally think it's a really big deal, but if you don't want me going on there anymore, I'll close my account and stop.
I haven't taken any inappropriate pictures recently, since you found out about Manny. that is OVER WITH. I will never do that again. I really don't know what possessed me to do something like that. that was really disgusting and wrong of me and I'm sorry. that will never happen again. On that same topic, I never ever talk like that anymore. like I said, that's really disgusting and I don't know why I ever did it. I guess I thought no one would talk to me otherwise. I thought I would have to do that to be interesting or something. I really don't know. But Manny and I don't ever talk like that. And we rarely ever did before anyway. It never gets brought up in conversation even, so all that is out of the equation. It's over with and I'd never do it again.
I'm trying to think of other things to add before I write the last paragraph. Basically, I really can't express how much I regret everything I did. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. This whole experience has really lowered my self-esteem and my self-worth if that makes sense, and I truly regret everything. I wish I never created that account on LiveWire. I wish I never got carried away with the need to be pretty, and I wish I never found those pictures of that girl. It only contributed to my jealousy and need to be wanted. That's how it all started anyway. Just a need to be liked by someone. And I guess I thought this was the way to go. But I realize all this was just a big mistake. I need to learn that faking my way through life will get me absolutely no where. I've never had a high self-esteem and you know that. And just as I was getting better and more confident, I have to pull crap like this and ruin everything. I'm now back to where I used to be. And if not yet, I will be soon. All because of yet another screw up I made. I feel awful, I feel disgusted by myself, and I wouldn't be surprised if you are too. This whole thing has not only affected me, but my relationship with you. you may put it in the back of your head so you don't have to think about it, but I know deep down that you've probably lost your respect for me. I've never been a good child. Not when I was little, not now. I don't even know who I'm going to become when I'm older. I'm scared I will only get worse. I'm scared that what I have with dad will become what I have with you. I'm scared that I will never move forward and improve. I feel stuck, dwelling on what I can't change, and I really don't know what to do. I never mean to screw up this much and I hope you know that. I just take everything too far. I never know when to stop. I never know when to draw the line. You've told me before that I need deep psychological help, and you're probably right. After all this shit I've done, how else would you explain it? I need help. I'm so much of a screw-up, how else would we take care of it? Who else does this kind of crap? Who else has a daughter like this?? No one. Jasmine doesn't do this. Morgan, Caitlin, Julia, no one. I'm abnormal. I don't even know why these things cross my mind. I don't even know why these ideas pop into my head. No one else does this, why me? I feel like I let you down once again. I'm sorry. I regret this all the time. Since I'm not in school and not doing anything else, I have so much time to reflect and constantly remind myself of what I did.
I'm going to stop rambling about all this. I was going to wrap this up by begging if I could keep talking to Manny, but I doubt there is really a point. He is just a guy from the Internet, I should be able to block and ignore and just move on, but I can't. If you want me to stop talking to him, I will. I can't do it abruptly, Like I said. It will take time because I've gotten attached to him. We talk a LOT everyday. The reason why you always find me asleep with my phone in my bed is because the night before I was laying in bed talking to him on AIM until one of us fell asleep, usually me. He calls me all the time leaving me voicemails when he's bored, when he's lonely, or just when he feels like it. I listen to them all the time. When I'm bored, when I'm lonely, or when I feel like it. I stay on AIM on my phone all day so whenever he has the time, he can get on and we can talk. Again, I know this is the Internet, but I feel close to him.

i stopped here

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