while out for the 1st half hour the baby sitter called b/c my son had not stopped crying. So I went home to calm him down and after I calmed him down I left again. Yet again I was called by the baby sitter b/c of him crying.

My husband had planed a night to dinner and a movie but we couldn't get past dinner so I had him drive me to the mall were I picked up my son clothes and a motorized jeep. I felt so bad about going out and leaving him that's why I bought him things.

I feel that I have to buy him things so that he won't resent me for going out last night.  

My husband thinks that I should slow down on buying him things b/c he thinks when our son gets older he will want want want and never want to give.  

IDK I agree with my husband but its hard b/c I don't want our son to hate me.

BTW I am 18

Post edited at 2:25 pm on July 25, 2008 by M4st3r0fW33d

I don't know his age or anything, but if you go to him on his every beck and call, he'll understand that.  According to my parents, this happened when I was a baby.  I slept in a different room, in my crib.  When they would leave me in my crib, I would start crying, but they would leave, and after about 5-10 minutes, I would stop crying and sleep.

Then my grandmother came to visit.  She thought it was horrible to leave me crying, so she went to get me after a minute or so.  After that, apparently I never stopped crying, or it would take me MUCH longer.

Trust me, your child won't hate you if you go out.  Of course, if he's not going to stop crying, you'll may need to respond, but that does not mean you REWARD him for his behavior.  For him, then he learns that crying GETS him things.  It's not even that he's going to get older and want and want... it's that he's going to use crying as his means, tantrums and the like... because if that's what it takes, that's what he'll do, don't you think?

I don't know, I'm not a parent, but I've seen it happen to other children before too.  Maybe work on little outings at a time, depending on your child's age... Let him understand that just because you're not there, he can still get his needs, nd someone that will take care of him, and that you WILL come back, you know?  That's my thoughts anyway.

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I completely agree with your husband in this matter. Part of the reason your child cries when you are gone is because he's become accustomed to you tending to him.

I don't know his age or anything, but if you go to him on his every beck and call, he'll understand that. According to my parents, this happened when I was a baby. I slept in a different room, in my crib. When they would leave me in my crib, I would start crying, but they would leave, and after about 5-10 minutes, I would stop crying and sleep.

Then my grandmother came to visit. She thought it was horrible to leave me crying, so she went to get me after a minute or so. After that, apparently I never stopped crying, or it would take me MUCH longer.

Trust me, your child won't hate you if you go out. Of course, if he's not going to stop crying, you'll may need to respond, but that does not mean you REWARD him for his behavior. For him, then he learns that crying GETS him things. It's not even that he's going to get older and want and want... it's that he's going to use crying as his means, tantrums and the like... because if that's what it takes, that's what he'll do, don't you think?

I don't know, I'm not a parent, but I've seen it happen to other children before too. Maybe work on little outings at a time, depending on your child's age... Let him understand that just because you're not there, he can still get his needs, nd someone that will take care of him, and that you WILL come back, you know? That's my thoughts anyway.

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I agree with you 100 percent. My son is 3 years old Its just hard learning to allow him to cry

As she's constantly exposed to other people and she's used to me leaving for a bit here and there, it doesn't bother her.  She doesn't have to deal with separation anxiety, and she's very confident.  She knows she doesn't need me all the time.

Your husband is completely right.  If you keep buying him guilt gifts you're going to have a huge mess on your hands.  You are allowed to go out.  He does not need you 24-7.  It is nothing to feel guilty about.  Change things now and help him adjust, and he won't hate you.  Continue down the same path and when he has to be separated from you (such as for school) he isn't going to deal well.

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I am not procrastinating.  I am multislacking.

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Quote: from Just Waiting Here at 2:30 pm on July 25, 2008

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I completely agree with your husband in this matter.  Part of the reason your child cries when you are gone is because he's become accustomed to you tending to him.  

 I don't know his age or anything, but if you go to him on his every beck and call, he'll understand that.  According to my parents, this happened when I was a baby.  I slept in a different room, in my crib.  When they would leave me in my crib, I would start crying, but they would leave, and after about 5-10 minutes, I would stop crying and sleep.  

 Then my grandmother came to visit.  She thought it was horrible to leave me crying, so she went to get me after a minute or so.  After that, apparently I never stopped crying, or it would take me MUCH longer.  

 Trust me, your child won't hate you if you go out.  Of course, if he's not going to stop crying, you'll may need to respond, but that does not mean you REWARD him for his behavior.  For him, then he learns that crying GETS him things.  It's not even that he's going to get older and want and want... it's that he's going to use crying as his means, tantrums and the like... because if that's what it takes, that's what he'll do, don't you think?  

 I don't know, I'm not a parent, but I've seen it happen to other children before too.  Maybe work on little outings at a time, depending on your child's age... Let him understand that just because you're not there, he can still get his needs, nd someone that will take care of him, and that you WILL come back, you know?  That's my thoughts anyway.

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I agree with you 100 percent. My son is 3 years old Its just hard learning to allow him to cry

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Of course... because we always see crying as a sign that something horrible has been happening.  Three years is ALOT of time to let this progress, and it can get worse too.  At three years old, you shoudl be able to explain to him.  Tell him you will come back soon, and that if he does a good job (when you ask the babysistter), that you can both play a game together or something (don't buy him something new necessarily, but make sure you spend time with him so he knows you're not just leaving him).

Think about it this way... what happens when he goes to school?  Will he cry the whole time with his teacher?  Do you think that maybe he would benefit more in a daycare where there are more people?

Overall, you need to set boundaries.  Many people think because it's a child, they don't know anything.  You're wrong... they pick up SO fast, and they realize quickly what gets them what they want.  For them things are quite simple.. I cry, I get my mom.  I cry, I get toys.  There are limits of course... I've babysat many kids before.. and the whole day the boy was alright (much older than three), but towards the night time, he started getting very scared, and nervous, and he just wanted to talk to his parents.  That's understandable, and he's a little kid :).  But crying from the start and not stopping...?  To the point that the baby sitter can't control it suggests that he's already being conditioned into getting what he wants.

Like I said, I don't know much about this.  It's all just theory.  If you have someone you can talk to, another adult (who's possibly had a child) or someone that's in this area that can help you out, they might be able to explain more about it.

Just remember... it may be hard to see them cry, but which is worse.  Having them cry now, and realizing that there's no reason to cry?  Or having them grow up, and then have people think of him badly, having him always get his way (which will cause problems when he communicates with other children and in school), and having him become spoiled in a sense?

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Like I said, I don't know much about this.  It's all just theory.

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