Bit of a rough patch right now, very rough tbh. Far from happy. But I've had hard times before, but I've never been so down on myself.

A few times now, Ive had a strong urge to cut myself, Ive no idea why what so ever, I know it wont solve a damn thing, and I haven't done it, and I don't think I ever actually would. But never the less, the urge was there to do it, playing on my mind for hours.

More over, Ive been thinking lots about death and suicide and stuff lately, again, I wouldn't ever and its not like I'm suicidal or anything. But then why the hell am I having such dark thoughts. This isn't me :S  

I read some stuff about why people cut them self is because they think on some subconscious level the physical pain will relive the mental pain, is there truth in this?

Are you bottling things up inside? Because that can often lead to having the urge to self-harm. I'd really urge you to talk to someone - maybe not about your urges to self-harm, but about the other problems you're going through which are making you feel this way. Talking to someone, or even writing down your feelings in a diary, can really help. It can really help put things into perspective and to get things sorted in a way which makes them easier to think about and sort out.

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.:Faut souffrir pour etre belle:.
He still gives me the butterflies - [06.07.07] ♥
She was everything beautiful and different

I made a joke saying I was clinically depressed to my mate, we laughed about it, but then he was like, you haven't actually been depressed have you?
I said No im sure I haven't been that bad, he replied, you probably have been-your just not a pussy who needs prozac or whatever

I know doing something stupid like self harming solves absolutely nothing, Im very aware of this, which is why Im so confused as to why the urge to do it was so much when  im thinking level headedly, and know it would be pointless.

Before I go any further, I'd also like to talk about the self harming urges you're feeling. People cut for all sorts of reasons and many people say that the physical pain relieves the mental pain. Thing is, as you well know, it actually doesn't solve a single thing. And the mental pain, it's still there. Cutting your skin and injuring yourself doesn't make anything go away and it doesn't make anything better. Perhaps it just gives you something else to focus on, don't you think? So perhaps you could try finding something to focus on, something to help all the mental pain you're feeling. We know that cutting doesn't help and that it's not going to solve any of your problems, so that's that idea out the window, right? First things first, when you do feel that urge to self harm, I suggest you get out there and do something. Rather than sitting for hours fighting the urge to cut, try doing something else. Get out and about, exercise, go for a run, do some homework, listen to some music. Anything really, y'know? Just something. What do you think?

We all deal with our hard times in different ways, and difficult times affect us in different ways. It's nothing to be ashamed of; I absolutely promise you that, ok? That joke you made to your friend - how did his reaction make you feel? If he'd known that you were feeling this low, well, I'll bet he wouldn't have said that. Sometimes we let our mouths run away with us without even realising what it is we're saying. The thing is that if people don't know how you're feeling, well, they can't help you. They can't listen to you because they don't know you need listened to. They can't try to help you because they don't know you need help. I understand completely that reaching out for help and talking about your feelings is really, really difficult. But sometimes it just needs to be done. Sometimes you just HAVE to speak up, despite how difficult it initially is. It gets easier though. It really does. I'm not saying that talking about how you're feeling is going to solve all your problems because, quite simply, it won't. It can, however, be part of the solution.

Depression, or even just sadness, can take a whole lot out of you. There are loads of things that you can do that can help - there's not just the one thing that helps, y'know? It's a whole combination of things that can help make you feel just a little bit better. Do you know what it is that's getting you down? Are there things going on at the minute that are making you feel this way? I'd probably find it easier to give you more direct advice if I knew some of what's going on, but it's up to you entirely whether or not you want to chat about it. I'm here if you do fancy it, though.

Anyway. I know you didn't ask for advice about anything specifically other than these urges you're feeling to self harm. As I said - depression and whatnot can and does make you feel things that you don't understand. That's what's so very horrible about it. The important thing is, as I said, that you know you're not going to act on it. Keep reminding yourself that it's not going to help and it's not going to solve your problems. There are far more positive and constructive things that you could be doing with yourself. I know it's hard, really I do. And it can take a huge amount of time to come out of these feelings and to get yourself feeling a tad bit better, but it is possible. You just have to do the positives rather than the negatives, y'know?

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someone tell me i'm dreaming,
the freaks are rising up through the floor

Like I said I wouldn't ever act on any of these thoughts, Im a very rational sensible guy. I've done more than my fair share of mocking of 'emo kids going a cutting' before, and Know its doesn't help what so ever, so no matter how strong the urge may be, rational me wins over everytime. And as far as suicide goes I'm lucky enough to have a  loving caring family, who I wouldn't dream of putting through something like that. I think suicidal people are incredibly selfish.

Basically, I WILL NOT do a thing to myself.

About my friend, he did know id been a bit down, I got the impression it was a bit of a tester question from him, to see if I was alright. Hes one of the people who I am talking to about all the stuff thats going on right now, so he does know, he was asking out of caring lol.

Another reason as to why im so confused about all this, there are people I can talk to, and do talk to about whats bothering me, but it just doesn't seem to be helping anymore, I used to always feel better once id talked something out, or just gotten something out my system to one of my friends, but now it doesnt seem to make me feel any different at all.

As for whats bothering me, just the entirety of the past year, bad bad year, for relationships, my accademic life, and my dad (who im very close to) im very worried for, as he might be ill (Seriously). and its all caught up on me a bit, overload you know

Whats bothering me most is the sheer strenghth of the urges Ive been having, its not like a passing thing, its like a massive weight on my mind, how can I know something to be so stupid, and so irrational, but still feel that way, I dont get it.