From depression, to anger, to existing. -- LiveWire Teen Forums

I've realized something in the past year, I know why I do all the things I do. I know why I hate the people around me, I've realized why I never bother with anyone anymore, I've realized why I've done almost everything in my life. I did it for attention. It's all I've ever wanted. I just wanted to know that people knew I existed. I mean, my entire life I've had to deal with being solitary. My mom left my dad when I was four, then she had to pull double shifts and hire babysitters for me. My babysitter of course had two of her own children, and we never got along. I couldn't go to other kids houses, because my mom was never home. By the time I was in first grade, my mom had married for the first time(I was out of wedlock) to an abusive drunkard. He never cared, he just cared about my mom. I realize now this is when I started craving attention. I turned into the class clown, and wouldn't do my work, not because I was lazy, not because I was dumb, my teachers said I was really bright, but because I wanted my parents to notice me. They noticed alright, but not the attention you'd prefer. My stepdad broke me down, locked me in my room which was bare for hours on end, or make me go to the corner, pass out on the couch, and after three hours my mom finally told me I could leave. He beat me, of course, he smacked me, tripped me, kicked me, threw stuff at me, all of it, but I didn't care as much as what he said to me. He was always telling me how I would end up in the gutters, how I was a liar, a thief, and a cheat, how he felt sorry for my mom for having to deal with me, how I shouldn't have been born, and he would make me repeat these to his friends, who didn't like it, but didn't interfere. Then on top of all of this, my ego was completely deflated, I was scared of him, but eventuallly it got to the point where unless someone physicaly hit me, I'd take whatever anyone called me. They stopped after in 5th grade someone pushed me too far, and I took a book and knocked a tooth out. Eventually, my mom divorced him, for the way he was treating me, and for the way their relationship was turning. But at this point, my social life was total shit, and my mom(neither I) still hadn't realized I just wanted someone to BE there for me. Then a few years ago, my mom remarried, and he took me for a car ride, and we talked, just talked. (Almost magically) my grades skyrocketed, and I barely had to try. Then my mom said she couldn't control me, and had me prescribed on Aderall(ritalin), which turned me into a zombie in class, but I do my work so I don't complain. But I've still never gotten that attention. I've never had that one close friend to confide in, I've always had to keep it bottled up. It's slowly killing me, I always think I'm getting better, then I have little attacks and it all comes out again. I hate everyone around me now, for not being there, for not realizing what was going on. But in truth I know it's too late, I don't even live anymore, I just carry on day by day trying to be normal, wearing a mask like everything's alright.

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